obsess-Ed

it happened again last night...
i was having an alright kind of dream, where stuff tootled along nicely, and again i was at a Pearl Jam concert, with Ed and the band so close by... only three rows away, and i felt so happy, so in that blissful place...

the first time i dreamt about PJ was way before i actually saw them live, and Ed played a crucial part in it, being a kind of Messiah figure, guiding me away from that what was holding me back from being myself, while this song played in the background... he looked as kind and calm as he ever would be {as he can be when he's not all fired up}, the gentle father-figure i've been looking for in my life, guiding and encouraging...

maybe that's what it is, maybe i need to get in touch with my own inner father figure, release my own strength and courage, maybe that's the subconscious message of those dreams i have of Ed and the guys...

or maybe i just need to get a grip on this 'mild' obsession with this beautiful man...
;-)

hiding in a tortoise shell

{running the risk of this becoming a ping-pong blog, this is a response to what Kati wrote on hers, about something i wrote here...}

if i'm totally honest with myself, i don't think i'm looking for a Knight in Shining Armour, as such... i don't want a man in my life to rescue me and look after me for the rest of my life.... as such... i'm looking for Anybody to come and rescue me, deep down... i feel petrified of living on my own, of having to deal with all that life throws at me, on my own... on the one hand... on the other, i love living life my own way, i enjoy working stuff out for myself, love having my own house without anybody moaning about how the chairs are positioned or what colour the walls are, or having a bloody bookshelf downstairs {or not actually saying these things but making sure i know their opinion when others do this...}, having two crazy, hairy cats, and playing music that i want to listen to...

as i said in my comments to Kati, i just don't want to feel lonely... cos that's what i feel like so often... even in my marriage, i felt so lonely... i felt alone, unwanted, misunderstood...

while i was growing up, i had but a few friends. i had M, who's still my friend, and C for many years, and N for a few, but anybody else thought i was weird and left me alone, or i felt betrayed by at some point, and i started to become like a tortoise - i withdrew into my own world, in my bedroom mainly, cos i felt safe there... i created my own world, where i wrote and drew and dreamt about another life, with people who loved me and admired me and thought i was great... where i listened to music and read books, and cut pictures out of magazines and wrote letters and read the ones i received... i loved it in my tortoise shell... nobody could get to me... even my mum left me alone there, most of the time...

until the urge to travel and go to England overtook my need for safety. due to the Law of Attraction {it turned out afterwards...} i found the safest, nicest family that was available at the time, and i spent almost a year living a wonderful life. i got to know lovely people, i saw beautiful parts of the country, i did stuff i never thought i would... i even almost took the plunge to go to Ireland for a year, taking an insecure job as a nanny for the family of a musician i got to know through the school i went to, but that fell through, and i went back to Holland for a bit... but the old life i had left behind was wrong, then... it felt like a prison, after the exuberance and wonderfulness i'd experienced in England. thankfully the man i'd gotten to know there was keen to have me in his life, and i went back...

life in England with him, and the family we had very soon after, felt safe, and wonderful... and i guess that's what i long for when i think back of my life there -- the sudden, unexpected, craved for feeling of wonderfulness of life, of safety, the being cared for, looked after... i guess that's what i miss about being married... i don't feel safe anymore... cos i never have done before... not really -- not deep down inside, from within myself...

and it all comes back to that... the need to feel safe... the desire to be accepted and loved... the notion that All Is Well...

it seems that my Inner Child wants to be comforted again...

of doubt and tattoos

{translation of my post on the Dutch blog from today, as the Google translate thingy that a friend posted on FB was rather... crude...}

for ages i've been doubting myself...
not my self-worth {anymore} cos i know by now that i'm worth the world, and i don't even feel guilty about that.
not about my abilities, cos i can do a lot, and sometimes not so much, cos i'm only human...
no, my doubts are about Love... about what a relationship is allowed to be. i've only really had one, so not a great deal to compare it too {my parents' one wasn't a great example}, and i can't see myself Playing The Field till i find what i want, so i'm dong some thinking... cos ever since i knew that being with Mr G didn't make me happy, i want to know what is possible...

in my years with Mr G i've grown to believe that wanting to be close with each other was unnatural... that asking for confirmation at times or affection was unnatural... that if you still needed these {childish} things there was something seriously wrong with you, and that you'd need help... and that he wasn't interested...

he sees himself as the ideal example of someone who doesn't need anybody else to complete him. he called me an extra dimension in his life, someone to have fun with, to talk to, be be his friend. he didn't see himself as a person who was capable of giving me emotional support, who had his own issues to work through.

i thought i did see this in him, though... to me he offered strength and support. i probably was too desperate to find someone in my life to see beyond this, to see the 'real' him; i painted him, in my mind, to be this strong, fun, intelligent man who - small miracle - liked me for who i was...  i hoped that he would find the things within himself that i needed, out of 'love' for me... i found myself trying to be who he wanted me to be, who he could live with, denied whole chunks of needs within myself so as not to annoy him... with the kids there everything changed again - i wanted to be a good mum and had to dig deep for that, and he had to work through a lot to be the father he envisaged himself to be... for us as a couple there was no energy left whatsoever...

we have actually managed to hang on in there for a long time, as parents and as friends... until i started to doubt strongly about what i wanted, in love and being together... is a relationship only Good if you don't ask anything from each other? can you only survive as a couple if you are emotionally in balance and perfectly healthy? what if you're just not there yet? what if you're still working on yourself, on those things that you've learnt as a kid that don't work, but are etched into your being like a tattoo? are you destined for loneliness because asking for support and affection is childish? what on earth can i hope for in a possible other relationship?!!

those kind of doubts... wandering through my mind...

inspired

why is inspiration not something that just comes to you with the click of your fingers?!!

why is is there one day, filling you up with wonderful ideas, with beautiful notions and energy, to be completely invisible and untastable the next? or weeks in a row, for that matter...

maybe it's just the natural flow of life, maybe it always goes that way, with everyone who creates stuff, maybe i just haven't really noticed before... too busy with kids and a relationship and family... maybe we needs times of barren minds, of Nothingness to appreciate it when it finally makes an appearance again...

who knows...

point is: i'd love to see it's return, sooner rather than later... :-)

sweet child of mine...

is is actually possible to genuinely be Yourself, as a grown-up?
can you really be your True Self, your Real You, the one that has been hidden under layers of stuff over the years?
is it an illusion to go back to the one you were supposed to be when you were a child, the You that is not a lie.......

these questions have been bugging me lately. i'm sure the answer is: Yes, if you try hard enough, or something like that.

how many of us are, as mature people?
aren't we all playing a game to belong, to fit in, to be accepted?
most of us i think have accepted the fact that Playing The Game is the most normal thing to do, and don't consider it an issue at all. sometimes i wish i was like that -- don't question my life, just live it and earn money and be in a relationship and be Normal... and if anybody asks, say i'm happy, or that i'm on my way to achieve happy. buy it, earn it, find it...

while i was talking to my colleagues the other day, i uttered the phrase: i wasn't raised to be a grown-up... and they looked at me baffled. well, one looked like she understood, the other {my boss} looked baffled... what did i mean? you're mid-forties, you have 4 kids, you have a household, a car, responsibilities - that is called being a grown-up... well, yeah, it can mean that... but in my eyes, a grown-up does these things and feels confident about their abilities, feels like it's what they're supposed to do, does it without questioning... they don't fritter away whole days daydreaming or write really long letters or draw or  paint or read books for hours or talk to friends about music or films or the Law of Attraction... they work, the sort out, they organise, they take charge... i don't...

well, i say that -- sometimes i do. when i have to... i can work {i do and like it a lot, but i'm totally worn out from being Responsible and Mature for 9 hours on end...}, i can sort out and organise {though the stress it brings is not funny...}, i can take charge... but it's not what i relish... it's not my natural Thing to Do...

men get away with that. on the whole... men are allowed to stay Boys, to some level {as long as they earn enough money...}, have silly hobbies, fritter away their time when not at work, looked after by their women... whereas women are supposed to be Mature. and i think most women believe that they ought to be, and that other women ought to be so as well... pull their weight, show the world how wonderful they are... maybe it's a hangover from times when women were deemed only useful in the kitchen and in bed, that they've carried on this need to prove how brilliant they are, how incredibly capable... collective concious and all that... whatever the reason: i've not been raised to be one of those women...

i've been raised to stay useful to my mother, who needs to feel needed. i was raised to be childish, to keep a childish perspective.... which would've been great if i was also a gifted artist, who could write wonderful books or paint brilliant pictures, and earn my keep that way, but i'm not... i'm okay. i'm not brilliant... and i have no idea how i can incorporate the way i am into Normal Life...

i've been raised to be looked after...
which would've been okay if i was a guy cos that's what women like: a guy to look after... what guy likes to look after middle-aged childish women?!!

time, might tell...
i'm off to pay some bills...