receipt

while out walking in the 'woods' just outside the town where i live, something crucial occurred to me... something that i heard in the interview with the Barefoot Doc, but it's occurred to me before.

in order for wonderful things to happen in your life, 

it's crucial to be able to RECEIVE stuff in your life... 

but can i receive? can i accept? can i take things that are given to me, handed on a plate often?

it's easy to give.... giving has kudos, it makes you look good and it's nice when people are happy when you give them something... a compliment, your turn at the supermarket, preference at an even crossing, a hug, a smile, a present... you've got the power, in a way... someone is grateful to you {or not, a lot of people are actually just dumbfounded when they get a break or a present} and you are seen as a great person... but receiving something?! you don't want to be seen as greedy, or selfish or whatever else is 'bad'... you need to be seen as modest, or not needing anyone out there to help you out, or that you can restrain yourself {especially in NL a huge one...}, that you're not one of those gluttonous people that is - lo and behold!? - impulsive...

i used to be quite good at receiving. help, mainly and money, and advice and people and things, and whatever else came on my path. i had plenty. life was good. until i learnt {there had always been a nagging little voice in my head} that accepting stuff is wrong. you should earn it first. it should be slaved and sweated over. you can't just accept help that's landed on your doorstep - who is it from? what do they want from you in return? what can you give them back? cos you should always give something back... you don't want to be one of those people that doesn't give something back.... at least grovel lots and say you're not worthy...

gratitude... that should be enough...
happiness... that should be enough...
appreciation... should be enough...

knowing that i deserve to be happy, that i deserve to live a nice life and to enjoy myself and be HAPPY and have fun and for life to be easy... and i don't need to earn it first... by living a life of scarcity and shortage, or needing to be forgiven first or whatever else someone has come up with to have power over me {& humanity}... i don't need to earn love, or affection, or be punished for feeling that i need it...

so the journey continues...