the falling of yellowed leaves

this time of the year makes me simultaneously feel really happy, and crushingly nostalgic. happy, cos the heat from the summer and all it's extravagant exposure-fest has finally subsided, and my introverted side can safely come out to play... and as someone said on Facebook: it's time for the sturdy weather now...

it also brings out a massive nostalgia, for my time in England. the first time i noticed that there was such a thing as a Love for Autumn was after my first summer. i had spent a week or so in Holland, catching up with the life i didn't want to go back to, and was picked up from the boat by the mother of the family where i was an au-pair. instead of driving home from Dover, she dropped in on the people they were spending the day with in the sweet town of Tenterden, who lived in a house that i adored as soon as i saw it: red brick, 'wild' garden, lots of pine furniture inside... the people were very sweet as well, very middle class English, and incredibly welcoming, offering me tea as soon as they saw me... on the drive back i noticed that the trees were slowly changing colour, and as the days and weeks went on, i witnessed the most glorious transformation of the area i was living in... it was beautiful!! the colours, the smells, the feels - it was as if i'd finally found what i was looking for all my life...

around that time i also got to know Mr G, and his group of friends, and my life appeared to have been taken off the hand break... it was as if i was allowed - finally - to be happy...

maybe it's that combination, planted into my subconsciousness, the expectation of Joy and Feeling Happy that i've only really felt out there, in Sussex...

this autumn seems to have been one of climactic catharses, of feeling despaired and lost, alone, sad... despite everything that's happened in the past year, the man i had carried on hoping would be able to connect with me, has made it very clear that he's moving on, with other people in his life, and it would be a good idea if i could let my feelings for him finally go... and i know... it's just that... you know...

so i cry, and i release, and i feel, and i allow... understand, accept, let go... like yellowed leaves falling from the birch tree i see outside my window... it's okay... new leaves will come again, when the time is right...