story telling

this afternoon i found myself on a lovely walk out by the small plot of woodland near where i live. blessed i felt, delighted that the many trees and birds and flowers that i noticed were there for me to enjoy. i feel very grateful to live where i do.

then why was i feeling a little glum?

because yet again, i was walking there on my own... as i have done for as long as i can remember... even when i was in a relationship. even long before i was in a relationship. and even though i can appreciate being alone - in fact, i love being alone - then what was it about my being alone that keeps bothering me?
why am i still alone...? repeatedly alone...

there must be something that makes me convinced i don't deserve to be With Someone...
something in my beliefs that seems to make it almost impossible for me to be Not Alone... what then makes it so?
am i a horrible person to be around? i think not... not more so than others... i empathise, i show interest, i can have a laugh, i share stuff - i can be social enough...
am i smelly? again: don't think so...
am i hideously ugly?



...

a nail was hit on the head there...

i feel very unattractive...
i feel unlikable...
i feel not good enough...

i know i shouldn't feel this, i know that i'm not any more or less attractive or deserving than anybody else, and that carrying on thinking that i'm really ugly or unworthy of love will just carry on bringing experiences that prove this point {whatever you believe, will keep appearing as 'truth'  into your life, whether you like it or not...} - my brain can fathom this notion quite happily... 'just stop telling myself that i'm unattractive' hasn't yet done the trick... or else i wouldn't still be upset about this...

*.*.*.*.*

all  my life i've felt not attractive enough. i was the ugly friend, that no one wanted to be with... no boys showed an interest in me. they loved my friends, and i guess i was there to make them feel pretty, on some subconscious level... puberty didn't make me develope into a beautiful swan - i just got good at being invisible - cos by then i didn't want boys to notice me... they seemed to want stuff that i didn't, and the easiest way to keep all that at bay was to not get noticed at all... not too tricky - i didn't really get noticed much anyway... i had a few friends, but i was never that good at keeping them... on some level i felt that i didn't deserve to have friends... i didn't deserve to be happy, or successful... i deserved punishment, and loneliness... unless i did the right things in the eyes of God, or certain people in charge of me...

my mum was  - still is - quite attractive. she had no problem attracting people into her life. men always liked her, and her social life is still pretty impressive. part of me feels i'm not related to this woman... we're on a different planet...

the woman i do feel related to - very much so - is her mother... my grandmother. the one i flinch at when i see her in photographs. the one i know to be a very unhappy woman. the one i never wanted to be or look like... the one i bear the most resemblance to... the one thing we do have in common is a belief that we don't deserve to be happy - unless...

when i see myself in photo's i see my grandmother. well, i see both, actually. my dad's mother was a confident, hard, dominant, shrewd, tough woman, with strong physical features.  not ugly per se, more striking.... i wished i looked and was more like her... but all i see is my unhappy, unstable, fearful, feeble maternal grandmother. the one that always caused problems, the one who couldn't deal with life very well after my grandfather died... my whole life i've been haunted by the thought of inheriting her story... and people like her don't deserve to be happy, or successful, or wanted... people like her are there to be pitied, or feel annoyed by, to be used as a doormat.

am i my maternal grandmother?
no... i've inherited certain physical features, and i learned how to be pitied, and i understood that people could be annoyed by some of my behaviours, and i knew how to be a doormat... it's what's been passed on to me, it's what i knew...
did it make me happy? not really, but it's what i've learnt...
do i want to carry on this version of my story?

no...
not anymore...

cos i also inherited features from my other grandmother - being strong, ballsy, confident, striking... i am neither, but an amalgam of both of them... maybe i can create a mixture - to be vulnerable, but also powerful... to be gentle, but also forceful when needed... careful, and confident...

the looks thingy is a different story... it'll take a while before i'll get to a point where it doesn't bother me anymore {in my mind i've found a few women with striking looks who aren't seen as regular beauties, but i find fairly attractive looking, and came to the conclusion that their disposition is far more important than whether or not they look pretty... exuding happiness is way more attractive than looking like Marilyn Monroe - although she's of course the ultimate in Beautiful for me...}.

i would like to come to a point where i feel i deserve to be happy... i deserve to be in a nice relationship... i deserve to be successful... it's okay... i don't have to earn it first... life doesn't owe it to me either {i wouldn't want to be one of those spoilt brats who insists on being happy all the time...} but i don't have to perform a trick first, or feel ashamed if it comes into my life either...

it's okay to be me... including all my fears, and my desires and needs... it's okay for them to be fulfilled... it's okay to want certain people in my life... it won't make me pathetic, or needy...

it makes me human...