introspection

was very pleased to read an article in my online newspaper about the relative merits of being an introvert, as opposed to the almost constant promoting of the Extrovert Ideal, as it has been called. I keep having a sort of love/hate relationship with my own introversion, having had it pumped into me that i should be more outgoing, and try to be more social... Scared witless by my happiness to just sit and read, or stare out of the window, being very happy with my own company, my mother thought it would help if she'd 'encourage' me to fit in more with my peers. It only encouraged me to feel completely out of place, unhappy in my own skin and i spent far more energy that i ought to on fitting in, not on developing my interests...

When at college, i read about the personality types that Carl Jung wrote of, i felt the jolt of recognition, but also knew {feared, rather} that if i carried on being an introvert, i'd lead a very secluded life, and i mostly wanted to be accepted, appreciated, approved of, so i almost consciously decided to hide my introverted self, even though it didn't suit me a lot of the time... I can be outgoing and gregarious, in small bursts... Just not all the time...

Maybe the time is right now to embrace my real self, the quiet me, be happy to contemplate and not feel weird or guilty...

picture form the film never let me go

left field

on my dutch blog i wrote something about my homesickness for England, which grabs hold of me at certain points in the week/month. I've tried to analyse it out of my system, reasoning that if i'm happy within myself, i can be happy anywhere, and that is probably true, but sometimes i need a quick fix. Being with Mr G is good - we can have the kind of conversations that we sorely miss with each other - but it's not always enough... Luckily we can still watch stuff on the BBC {dreading to think when our 'provider' will take Beeb1 off as well, forcing us to have the digital package they've been ramming down our throats, which - granted - will give us access to another three English channels...}, though i can remember when we still lived over there, we rarely watched it, preferring the more challenging Channel 4, but hey - you take what you can...

Some things translate wonkily from one culture to another, and humour, especially absurd ways of looking at life,  not taking it all too seriously, allowing others to have a weird, left-field way of thinking, are almost unfindable here in Holland, or at least in the part of it where we live... And i'm having quite a hard time dealing with it...

Had another run-in with my mother yesterday on the phone, and it brought up the eternal issue i have with her: she wants me to be weak and needy, a want her to love me for being strong and 'independent'... My brother happily plays that game and gets truckloads of approval, i get withering looks ('you always need to be different, make my life difficult, why can't you just play my game...') and i broke down while talking to Mr G about the phone call, and then it suddenly dawned on me - she can't  show me that she loves me (even thought i'm sure she does), she cannot show me she likes me being strong and un-dependant, as it makes her feel she's  not in control... I need to move on from my need for her approval, as i will never get it, and come to a point where i can love myself, be my own mum, as it were... Maybe then things will start to fall into place... Who knows...

winter winds

As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts

Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms 

Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night? 

For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt 

And my head told my heart 

"Let love grow" 

But my heart told my head 

"This time no, this time no" 

We'll be washed and buried one day my girl 

And the time we were given will be left for the world 

The flesh that lived and loved will be eaten by plague 

So let the memories be good for those who stay 

Oh the shame that sent me off from the God that I once loved 

Was the same that sent me into your arms 

Oh and pestilence is won when you are lost and I am gone 

And no hope, no hope will overcome 

And if your strife strikes at your sleep 

Remember spring swaps snow for leaves 

You'll be happy and wholesome again 

When the city clears and sun ascends 

And my head told my heart 

"Let love grow" 

But my heart told my head 

"This time no"