raw

am i a horrid person for not feeling happy for my ex now that he has another woman in his life...?
am i a bit pathetic if i feel rejected and cast aside all over again...?
am i just not moving on...?
am i wallowing in self-pity and should i just try a little harder...?

some thoughts that have been bugging me, popping into my head right amongst quite happy and joyful ones {that have nothing to do with ex or his new woman...}

i know i should give myself the time it needs, and i know that it takes however long it takes... i know there is no set time one gets for getting over a relationship, no handy formula {been together for X years, had Y amount of kids, then it will take ___ time...}. i know it goes with being a human being... and really, its okay...

i'm learning to be kinder on myself. which is not easy, when for 40-odd years i've been told to Try Hard, Live Good {according to a set of rules}, Be Good {more rules}, Be Fearful & On Your Guard {for certain people and their wrath}, Ignore Your Inner Self & Feelings {if they don't fit into the Rulebook, or whatever criteria the person{s} i was with at the time held}... learning very hard to figure out who it is I am, under all the debris... slowly getting there...

but don't expect me to be happy yet...
this loss still feels raw to me...

who's afraid of the big bad Woolf?

despite the last thing i wrote, not feeling very chatty...
still feeling a little lost, cos i guess i miss my 'tribe' {the people i talked to or nodded at on a daily basis at the primary school} and i've not found anything to replace it with... the neighbourhood i live in isn't the most inviting {to me, that is... enough friendly folks around} and my friends are all busy living their lives {which is totally fine, really} and my family have never been the closest bunch to start with... 'world events' of recent have left me feeling a bit frazzled and exposed, i guess. being a sensitive soul in a harsh world can be trying, to say the least... but then, hasn't the world always been rather harsh, in different ways?

i remember watching the series on Virginia Woolf and her sister Vanessa Bell this summer, and i was struck by how familiar Woolf's plight in 1930's England was - being sensitive and delicate, with trouble on its way which might very well affect her {Jewish} husband, her pillar and mainstay, and as much as she tried to be herself and live her life, the news kept having a drip-effect on her mind, which suffered accordingly. now, i'm not saying i bare complete resemblance to Virginia Woolf, or that i'm about to top myself, but i can understand how she may have been affected, why it all hit her so deeply and that she may have become disheartened, and felt she couldn't fight it all anymore... despite having a husband by her side who loved her so deeply...

she possibly didn't have the things that i now have at my disposal: lovely kids who keep me from taking myself too seriously, but their lives quite. and a sense of humour {from what i gathered}. and internet, which gives me access to online meditations and insights, nice people to talk to, articles that shed a different light on stuff... {although if i had a suitable tribe, internet might not be at all needed... who's to say... chicken//egg...} there are plenty of things i can find that i am incredibly grateful for, and i name them on a daily basis, before i go to sleep, and i know how to ground myself, feel connected within, keep the world out {which i've discovered is most of the 'issue', being disconnected from my Inner Being, allowing The World and it's mother to drag me away}, so hopefully that should be enough to get back on track...

in the meantime, i'm going back into my Self for a but longer, connect with nature a bit more, and hope to God that this world will sort itself out soon...

love & light

and still i refuse to believe that the world is a rotten place...
of course there are rotten bits, and those bits seem to be spoiling quite a bit of this beautiful planet, where so many beautiful people try to live their lives, follow their dreams, be loving, nurturing, caring... or just trying to Be, whatever it is they need to Be...
my friend Mo would tell me now that it's massively inflated Ego's that are running scared, cos Ego's are ruled by Fear, by Dreading The Worst, by needing to control our lives... and control others, as well, cos Power feeds...
and i'd say Yeah, i know...
and she'd say that all i need to do is tell my own scared little Ego to Shut the Hell up, that i don't want to hear what it's got to say.... that i will only listen to the loving sounds of my Higher Self...
and i'd say Yeah, i know...
i know i need to keeping letting the light in to follow Love and Light, to trust and Be Happy... to not let Fear win... to  not look at the news, cos that will only feed my Ego's fear...
i know...
i do...
only, on days like Yesterday, when i hear of so many innocent lives lost, my Ego takes over... i know i shouldn't let it, but it'll be wading through my mind with it's dirty feet, trampling over happy thoughts, spoiling the colourful carpets... and it will take quite some effort, especially at night, when i feel at my least powerful, to find the soothing voice of my Higher Self...

but still i refuse to believe the worst...

autumn comes

autumn comes, the summer has passed
winter will come too soon
stars will shine clearer
sky seems nearer
under the harvest moon

autumn comes, so let us be glad, 

singing an autumn tune
hearts will be lighter, 

skies seem brighter
under a harvest moon

{song learnt at the Steiner School of the kids, rejoicing in the changes that autumn brings...

and then i thought of this one: