{no} reply

{answer to a reply from Kati, to my reply to her on my dutch blog... you still with me?}

hey!!

you're right about the grieving. i never thought it would be that close, but the mourning of the loss of a relationship you hoped would last till death parts, and your ex appears to be happily moving on with the speed of light, can feel gutting... although i've seen it disintegrate for years, and my many attempts at reviving made no difference at all {after all, i was the one with the pointless expectations of him, so if anyone had a problem, it was me...}, it's still sad... up until last weekend i had this tiny teeny smidgen of hope that he might tell me he'd like to try again... that he'd seen how life without me in it was no good for him... that i mean too much to him to let me go... {yup, seen too many romantic movies...} but he didn't. he never had... not even when we were together... he never fought for me, for 'us'... we were only together for this long cos we had kids, and he wasn't a bastard who left me in the lurch... i was lucky in that sense... {only one of our kids was planned...}

now that there's a bit of distance, i'm starting to see that he was feeling incredibly burdened by me. that he respected me, and liked me around, maybe even loved me, in a weird kind of way, but the things i'd like to find in a relationship {i have since learnt...} were things that are alien to his nature. and it was wrong for me to hope that he would magic it from somewhere. just like it was wrong for him to hope that i was as distant and independent minded as he was, i was wrong to wish he'd be warm, kind, loving, connecting, cuddly... i wanted him to be Eddie Vedder, when i was married to Jack Nicholson... 

so yeah, it feels tough some days, but i feel i'm getting there, slowly... it will take time, and i'm sure i'll cry many more tears before i get where i want to be, but friends like you, who understand the journey, can take the edge off. so heaps of thanks for that!! :-)

xx Dan