released

somewhere i have a bucketlist. on there are the things i'd ideally one day love to have done or learnt, or been to... most are fairly achievable, some only if i gain a lot of money, somehow, and others are just flights of fancy, only achievable by a Stroke Of Crazy Luck... some aren't even on the list, cos in my mind they are so un-achievable that i never even considered putting them on any list...

one of those has actually happened to me the other day...

i met Eddie Vedder...
i talked to Eddie Vedder...
i had a hug and a handshake and a smile from Eddie Vedder.....
i was in the presence of the man i've been adoring and slightly idolising {even though i know he hates this} for more than 25 years.....

EDDIE FUCKING VEDDER?!??!!!

three weeks ago i saw him play in Amsterdam, which was the last of 3 shows he did there, and although i loved it, loved hearing his voice sing songs and chat away about stuff and seeing him in the distance, i left slightly underwhelmed, a little bit disappointed... i had no idea why... i felt more like i'd been to the cinema. i didn't feel a connection, a thrill, and it had felt like he was not as with it as he could've been, and how he seemed to have been on the nights previous. i just put it down to bad luck, to my too high hopes and pathetic need for him to be the Messiah i seem to be looking for... i had the poster, and the memories of the sing-alongs and thought that was that...

then i decided to try and get a ticket for his show in Antwerp, last Monday. it was tricky, cos many others were trying too, and on the FB page designated to this tour, many were writing about the Holy Grail that had become a ticket for Antwerp. i had put my name down on a site where tickets can be sold-on {at face value} and on the fanclub site, and kind of forgot about it.

something made me check my mails before i went off to bed, one evening after having spent a few hours on Youtube, which i don't usually do. there was one saying that a ticket had become available, did i want it? um... i thought... yes!!! said my heart... yeah, but what if a better ticket comes available....? said my head. like fuck it might... said my heart... you can always sell it on, the demand is big enough...

so i got the ticket...
and i had a week to wait...

last Monday i drove out to Antwerp, feeling apprehensive {Amsterdam had been a let-down, and i didn't want a repeat of that}, but Antwerp has a touch of magic for me. it always does. though it's 100x more chaotic and un-organised than anywhere in Holland, there also seems to be space for the Unplanned... i met up with someone i had gotten to know via FB, chatted and laughed and relaxed already...

the show was incredible... i was sat at a spot where i had a great view of the stage, close enough to have a connection, though not very close. i saw things happen i never knew about in the other show... the energy was unbelievable... Eddie Vedder was on amazing form, being deep and silly and touching and irreverent. his voice was great, his song choice was perfect. i laughed and sobbed my eyes out {he played Black, a song from 1991, which has been my favourite since i knew it, accompanied by the Red Limo String Quartet, a Dutch group that has been added to his entourage from the first show, and it became the most beautiful thing i've ever heard...} and sang along like my life depended on it... it was wonderful - in every way the show that Amsterdam 3 wasn't.

i was so thrilled that i decided to get the poster for this show anyway {hadn't planned to}, and my new friend and i decided to wait with some others for the chance that EV might make an appearance. this took another 90 minutes. it felt like i was in a surreal parallel universe, where i was the kind of person that was happily chatting away with total strangers, waiting outside the arena... it was nearly 2am by the time we spotted him coming out of the door, bottle of beer in his hand, and a security guy came to tell us what was expected of us {no photos, no autographs, no stupid shit, or Mr Vedder would be outta here}. the realisation hit me that the guy that was sauntering up to where we were - that was Eddie Vedder out there!?!! what the fuck?!!

he leisurely did his thing, talking to some, hugging others, being engaged, very generous with his attention and friendliness. i was admiring this, as he inched closer to where i was. he seemed such a lovely bloke. easy-going, sweet, funny, short... {this struck me like a brick: he's so short!! and fit... and fucking good-looking... jeez...}

and then i was up... he looked at me with those beautiful eyes, and stuck out his hand {!!!} and i took it, mumbling thanks for his music, and the he said 'oh come here', and hugged me... and time stood still... it felt like a week, he hugged me... his body touched mine... he smelled of cigarettes, like i imagined he might... and then he moved on to the sweet, really nervous woman next to me, and i witnessed his engaging into her story, and his smile {those teeth!!}, and then on to the last three guys and he was bundled into a van and off he was...

i'm still trying to process what happened on Monday night... i cried buckets, as if something has been released, and i hope i've been freed of some crap notions, mainly the one where i was convinced that i was unworthy of Amazing Shit happening to me...

Amazing Shit in the form of Eddie Vedder...

fuck...