despite knowing deep down that i shouldn't have been, i have spent my whole life finding answers outside of myself.
with this thought i went to sleep last night, in a search to find out where the root of my anxiety lies. i'm worried about what's going on the the world, although i'm also aware of the need for it, and the unstoppableness of the changes ahead. i'm scared of the uncertainty that goes with change. i like things to be predictable, of sorts, as it gives me stability, and the less things change, the more comfortable i feel.
during my weeks off, i cycled to where i went to college, one time by chance, another time cos a shop i needed to get something from was nearby, and both times it struck me how little had changed... okay, the school itself was gone, and in its place it now an old people's home {how apt...}, but the streets where i walked with my classmate and best buddy at the time {no idea what happened to her/them} were still there, i could recall the route we wandered between classes, and the little park with the gorgeous house, and the small shopping area where there was still the same supermarket and flower shop, only now i connected it to where i now live in the city, and a sense of Yes, It Finally Came True overcame me.
back then i had long and weird chats with my friend, the classmate who introduced me to the notion i could be whatever i wanted to be, and that i didn't have to be stuck in the life my parents would be comfortable with, and that The Police made great music... i kind of adored her {them?} and wanted some of her confidence, the freedom in thought that she had grown up with, the freedom that she had about exploring her attractions, her mind, her Whole Being... i loved how she made me feel when i was with her.
but like with her, i found others to make me feel complete. i have always been looking at others to give me stability, to give me a sense of confidence. my parents were lovely and good people, but they were never able to instill a sense of confidence in me. {how could they, if they never learnt it in the first place...?} they introduced me to the idea that i had to look at others for everything. for my basic needs, for approval, for love, for idols & heroes, for company, for money, for how Not To Be {the Boo Hiss Baddies of the world that we can dislike and hate}... the notion that i could find all of those things, and more, in myself never crossed my mind!!
but it's essential that i let go of any need to find Anything in others... it's essential that i Trust my Self, that i fully and completely Trust and Embrace that i am my own entity, and although connected on a spiritual and energetic level {how else would i be able to Manifest the life i desire?}, i am living MY life, i am on MY journey... i am living MY dream...
the clues are always there. others CAN be and ARE helpful, others ARE necessary to survive, but not in the way that my parents implanted in my psyche. not because i'd be doomed if i don't play along, but because we're all in this together. not because i'm not good enough on my own, but because we're all connected in one way or another. and even when everything changes around me, the right people will find me, and i will connect to the ones that i need. there is no need for despair, or fear, or anxiety - they just get in the way. so i can let go of all that - i won't need them where i'm going...
No comments:
Post a Comment