queen b{itch} *2*

{guess it's easy to underestimate the need one feels for Confident {Strong} yet Compassionate Leadership... which i've been looking for in so many people... failing to find it in my parents {who were sweet and kind, but quite insecure in their abilities as Leaders}  i've turned to teachers, church, other people's parents, and in the end: the Famous... anybody that seemed to offer this Strength and Confidence, even in the distance form of Film and/or Music, Alive or Dead, would do for me... despair will do that for you, i guess...

ending up with ex was pretty logical... no idea what he was looking for in me, but for a while it worked - his ego was flattered and mine was safe... his strength and confidence was amazing to me... there was enough compassion, or maybe it was tolerance, to sustain us for a few years, until his boredom with my need for feeling safe and loved and connected got to him, and the slow deterioration started. and the vacancy for a Strong, Confident yet Compassionate Leader had opened once again...

i guess the stuff i found while discovering David Bowie showed me that yes, he would've been perfect, and in a way he still is, even though of course he's not around anymore. it's become a kind of posthumous glorifying of a person who seemed to posses so much of what i'd like - confidence, beauty, humour, composure, curiosity, bravery, determination, kindness, self-awareness, artistic prowess, exuding sex appeal {tonnes of it}, a sharp mind, and although others may not see that in him at all - they somehow shine to me like a beacon... and i could easily carry on admiring this in him, glorifying him, instead of finding it in myself... somewhere...

i need to become my own Confident yet Compassionate Leader... i've learnt enough along the way...}