quite a few times i noticed that i'd {internally} run an idea past the Ex-ometer, as i'm wading my way through 50-odd years of David Bowie/Jones. what would his opinion be on this, or on me wanting to know more? especially Bowie's thoughts on sexuality {fairly crucial to getting an idea about what made the bloke tick}, his wild, experimental years, where anybody {any body} was up for grabs - boys, girls - and a prude he was not... as opposed to yours truly here... i am a prude... or rather, i'm very careful... maybe not a prude as such, with regards to others and their need to express their sexuality in whatever way they chose, but i don't feel the need to join in... i'll just fantasise about it, thanx...
ex claimed {early on in our relationship} that as soon as i'd stop being so careful about my sexual feelings and desires, a world would open up. if i'd just let go of my perceived, repressed notions about everything, especially the ones that didn't concur with his, i would be free. he had a few more thoughts on what i should or shouldn't do anymore {but in the end i should really make my own mind up!}, and because i trusted him, and was keen to move on from a lot of what i'd known before, i took his word as bible. just as i had before with my parents. and certain relations, and school. and the church. and certain rockstars. anything but learn to trust my own thoughts and ideas... anything but work out what was my gospel... cos how the hell was i supposed to know what was good for me?! my mum decided that, or my dad, or school, or church, or friends... any notions that i didn't like what i was deciding, or that it actually felt awful that i was allowing them to ride roughshod over my feelings, or that i was being totally disregarded i ignored. it didn't matter what i thought or felt or wanted - other people had decided that it was good, and they did what they liked...
cos i allowed them to...up until a few years ago it just didn't occur to me that i had a say in stuff... of course, to a certain level i did, for things that didn't matter too much, but as soon as 'important' things had to be decided, as soon as things mattered i'd often freak out and refer to what others thought was a good idea. i remember one session at my art therapy, where i was 'forced' to paint over a load of pretty pictures i'd carefully cut out of magazines. i really liked them and assumed that i was going to use them in a collage, to show the things that were important to me. my therapist gave me the cue to get the paints out and splosh a load of it over the pictures. i couldn't. i started crying, and then decided that she said i should {she probably had some kind of Greater Good in mind...}, so i was going to... until she asked: wait, what do you want?
huh? i thought... what do I want?! am i even allowed to want anything? is my voice important???
i don't want to cover them, i said, quietly. why not? she asked with a stern voice. cos i like them... i don't want them ruined... then don't, she answered. i was confused... hadn't she just asked me to paint over them? but...
so i didn't. and i felt so incredibly weird... What I Wanted Had Mattered!?!!
so, what do i want...?
it had never occurred to me that i had something to want... i went to the local secondary school, cos that's what everybody else did... i went to do a course that i knew my mum would be happy with, not the art school that i'd dreamed of going to... i agreed to come back to Holland, cos... i did what i thought wouldn't ruffle too many feathers, fitted in as much as i could bear, with the odd exception {listening to weird music, watching weird films, not going out, going to England, going to America, attempting to go to Ireland...} and lived my life...
well... lived other people's lives. not because they made me, but because i didn't know i had another option... or if i did, i had no idea how to get there... on my own i'm okay to be me, to listen to my gospel, but as soon as i'm with others, i tend to fall into their line. i surrender my Self. strong, dominating personalties, like ex, render me incapable of being Me... as soon as i feel that others have more clout, over shout my quiet voice, i'll let them get on with it... i'll fit into their party line.
and i'm done with that... i'd really like to get to a point where strong personalities {mainly ex, and his quite often assumed opinions} don't get to me anymore. where people with a louder opinion, with a more pushy way of doing things, don't push mine out of the way... it's up to me to feel innately okay about saying what i want and what i don't want... not hope that others will be lenient to my needs and let me off the hook. i can feel i'm almost there. fear of rejection or disapproval still win sometimes, but it feels like my inner Queen Bitch is winning...
about time too...
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