triggered

on days that i manage to get a meditation in, Things go better... 

i know this, it's something i've figured out a long time ago, the feeling once i've done it is beautiful, i feel calmer and less chaotic in my head, but still, those days are rare. i just forget to do it... true, sometimes i can have a run at it, do three days, experience the calm, the stuff that needs to be dealt with {my meditations are often therapy sessions, where i work things out, stuff that has nestled deeply into my Being, sadnesses and anger, i go through them, accept and let go, and feel lighter for it} and go about my day a bit less bothered by the things that can easily drag me down. 

yesterday i spent a nice afternoon at the house of my ex, as he had some work done to the bathroom and kitchen {had both ripped out basically, and was left with no utilities, apart from the toilet}, and since he and the boys had been using my shower a few times, and my washing machine, he invited me over to goggle at his brand spanking new appliances - which to be honest looked amazing - and have coffee {and cake, as it turned out... my kind of gathering...}. my mum, who's shower had also been 'borrowed', was there as well, and we all had a fun time, catching up, pondering on how odd life is at the moment, and just when i thought that this was all going so nicely - at my ex's place, chatting about how apparently my dad was a champion ballroom dancer in his late teens {?! how did i not know this?!!}, the kids seemed in a good place - and then it happened. the thing that always happens when my mum is with my kids, or my ex, or my brother. i get triggered... within seconds i divert back to the 13 y/o me, the one that feels sidelined, not-appreciated, misunderstood... ridiculed, thought of as weird, etc. etc. 

how many years of therapy have i had?! 

not enough, as it turned out. 

a few weeks back, i had a chat about something similar with my friend M, who is on a similar path of Letting It Go, and it dawned on me that yes, in an ideal world i would have put this annoying trigger to rest ages ago, and yes, it is reflecting back a part of myself that i find incredibly difficult to accept, and also yes - i don't have to feel bad about it!! it's not my fault... 

one of the many things i learnt from my time with ex is that although families can be a massive support, they can also be a reminder - week in week out - of why you feel so thoroughly fucked up... not their fault either - we all are results of our own parenting, our own parent's triggers etc. and you don't have to have them in your life... you're not obliged to be the doting offspring, massaging their ego's, treading carefully to avoid their triggers... you don't. arm's length is fine, if that's what you need to feel at peace. 

so that's what this morning's meditation was about, allowing myself to accept that i can't deal with my mother... and that this is okay. it doesn't make me a selfish, egotistical monster. it just gives my 13 y/o some breathing space. until they're ready to try again...

if ever...

..o0o0o0o..

"If people are doubting how far you can go,
go so far that you can't hear them anymore..."
~ Michele Ruiz

💜