imagined

some days are better than others....

some days i'll feel so energised, so alive and bubbling with excitement, happy, no: overjoyed!! nothing can throw me off this feeling and everything seems to go so easily... people appear in my life who are helpful, seem the missing piece of the puzzle at that moment, and things fall into place. i can't imagine life ever being a challenge...

and then the next day it all feels so far away. the joy, the thrill, the ease - a heaviness has taken over, and the world seems dark. nothing i do can make it go away. meditation doesn't help, a long walk in the woods doesn't make a difference, listening to nice music doesn't change a thing... all the stuff i've learnt seems to be rubbish, cos i may know that i am not the fear, that i am not the darkness in my soul, i may know that this too shall pass, as it it nesting itself in me, it feels bloody real... 

yesterday was one of those dark days... it started off okay, with the daughter getting ready for her trip to her boyfriend, and me pottering about, getting the washing up done, checking some stuff online, ordering a few bits and bobs, talking through some things with a colleague at work... this doomy feeling set in, very slowly... i went for a long walk along the river, where a beautiful bit of nature has been created over the years, with a path that meanders along with the flow of the river, and if felt okay, even though half of the city seemed to want to go for a walk, and there were way more people there than i had hoped to encounter, but it was okay. geese flew over loudly honking, ducks swam and flapped a bit, the wind was blowing through the reeds in the water. i enjoyed what i encountered. 

then, in the evening after i had made myself some dinner, the feeling really took hold. fear, mixed with frustration and anger, about the way things didn't seem to be changing... i meditated on it, but nothing changed. i wrote about it in my journal, but nothing shifted. so i sent my friend M a text, asking if it was okay with her if i waffled on a bit about this, maybe she recognised it... and she did... we chatted for ages, pinpointing the things we were feeling, the insecurities we noticed and how everything seems to be such a struggle... why, when we know we can create a beautiful world that we prefer to the way we live now, do we seem to keep getting stuck in Fear? is it the remnants of the crap we have dealt with already? the things that we know are from our ancestors, that we drag along with us still? is this the stuff our egos don't want to let go of, cos who knows what it will be replaced with? better to hang on to what we know than the risk of something unknown-but-even-more-wonderful...? 

if we create our world with the thoughts we think, it's important that we think Happy, Beautiful, Joyful, Expansive, Abundant thoughts, and not let Fear and Frustration and Anger take hold... see them, accept them, breathe towards them, but ultimately, let them go... even if it takes chatting with a friend who is many miles away....