the road of unease

i won't take the easy road

a line from the song Silver Lining, by First Aid Kit {at first i thought that Easy Road was the title...} which i've liked for a few years {apparently it was used in a car advert...} and it keeps coming back into my mind every now and then. 

take the road of least resistance, say Abraham {through Esther Hicks}. take the Easy Road... yeah, okay, but how does that work, when your sheer existence seems to bring up the resistance you're supposed to ignore, or release...? 

my friend Mo and i used to have this running line that we wished we were more like our class mates, and just go through life without all the questions and the dreams and the wonder... that we would just be simple like them, and want the easy Life, with the husband and 2 kids, and the house and the 1 holiday a year and a new car every few years, and Do What's Expected... how easy would that be?! but - as i said to my daughter when she asked how my life at school was - we had no idea how to fit in. i personally always felt like an alien, plonked into a Normal village, into a Normal Family, but they forgot to give me the rulebook... i never knew how to be like the rest of my class. they knew the rules, i was oblivious... 

it still feels like i'm living without a rulebook. i try to do Normal sometimes, but it feels like i'm playing pretend. i look at what other people do, and i copy them and hope they won't notice... maybe i just needed parents with a stronger sense of self, who could have guided me through life better when i was young, who knows... maybe that's why i was drawn to my ex, a very strong-willed, confident person who had little truck with my timid, quiet, insecure side often... 

i feel confident in myself now, after years of doubt and wonder and uncertainty about my worth in this world. there is a place, and to get there i had to take the road of unease. would i have wanted it any other way? don't think so... it was my road, and it took me to some very interesting places, both inside myself and in the world. i wish i had listened to my inner voice more often, and had less fear, but it was what it was... and it will be what it will - wherever i'm going next...

i will take the nicest looking road...