Xmas things {6} cards

first and foremost - a happy xmas, however you're spending it {not a religious person myself, more into the pagan Yule way of celebrating. waiting with the booze until the kids are here and there's a meal on it's way... i only ever drink at xmas, by the way...}!! 

{just had to pluck some mince pie dough off my keyboard... had to find the recipe online and some crumbs must have fallen put of the mixing bowl while i was kneading it...}

while listening to the Cosy Christmas Jazz playlist on Spotify, i snapped some of the cards i received this year, since cards are one of the few things i always get very excited about, this time of the year. all year long, to be honest, but at Xmas they feature very large here. and i receive some smashers... tnx for those who sent them, and all others, of course!! hope mine have arrived...

from my friend Sarah, in England

beautiful card from Moira

sweet card from Erin,
with the first line of the story we read to the kids

sweet card from Monika
a see-through one
and the sun shines through it here

a few together, 
before Molly knocked them over... 

Xmas things {5} music

 some songs that haven't been played to death yet {as far as i'm aware...}, to help me get in the mood... 

* White Xmas - George Ezra  {live, with...?}

* Let Me Sleep {It's Christmas time} - Pearl Jam {from the album Lost Dogs}

* 2000 Miles - The Pretenders {live, the band with a string quartet}

* River - Joni Mitchell {with James Taylor}

* Fairytale of New York - Cameron Barnes & Blythe Duff {ft. Red Hot Chili Pipers} {slightly tired of the Pogues version - although amazing i itself - this one is so sweet & touching...}

* Step Into Christmas - Elton John {never heard this one before, lovely over  the top, Elton style...}

* If We Make It Through December - Merle Haggard {not really a jolly Christmas song, but it beats Mariah Carey any day...}

* Father Christmas - the Kinks {mad Xmas songs like only he Brits seem to be able to...}

* It Feels Like Christmas - the Muppets {from the Christmas Carol, this is also a big fave...}

🌟🎄🌟

in search of peace

 this year has been a lot of things...

it started out quite fun, with getting to know this new city i was living in, with new friends and even dipping a toe in the carnival madness that envelopes Breda each year. it has never really been something i was impressed by, or wanted to revisit, after some traumatising memories from when i was younger {an introverted, quiet, sensitive, shy kid...} but even that seemed to have lifted, during my move to this lovely place. 

then the world went mad...

slowly but surely i have dropped most of my social media happy places. first Twitter went. not that much of a wrench, cos i only really followed a few people, who turned out to be happily jumping on the fear bandwagon, and that got tiring very quickly. then Facebook went. that was harder, cos i was friends with quite a few people who i don't see much, who live in far away countries, or who are not in my direct social circle. unfriending loads of people or unfollowing helped a bit, but as time went on, it was less and less impressed with the chaotic, overbearing, propaganda-minded and censor-happy attitude of the site {which i was aware of before but could avoid, on the whole}. so i stopped, after 11 happy years there. and this week i took Instagram off my phone {though not my laptop}. 

too many hours i will sit down and mindlessly stare at the pretty pictures. scrolling past images of things that people have made, or places they live, or been to, reinforcing What A Strange Year It Has Been And When Will We Go Back To Normal...?! i know!! i would've been boring you guys to tears with pictures of Berlin, or Barcelona, or Edinburgh, if it wasn't for the way we're being forced to live now... thanks for the reminder... my kids could've lived a happy year, going to festivals, moving abroad, traveling to places that broaden their horizon...  i could've done my job without having to wear a demeaning, pointless piece of paper as a muzzle, to appease those who chose to believe in the fear-mongering. 

my world is becoming very small, again. i don't want to know the news, i don't want to see the propaganda, i don't want the fear reinforced. so i have to make my world very small. tiny teeny. where i live, those around me, my colleagues, my kids, my friends, my penfriends, some online friends {who i indeed got to know via Instagram...} - i am here. 

my phone will just be for daily stuff, like messages, and my laptop will function as my window into the world for a while. on my terms. the winter solstice started a new year in pagan terms - maybe i should follow suit.

{edit: re-installed Instagram on my phone, but under the proviso that i stay clear from pages that drag me away from my Happy... let's see how that goes...}

Xmas things {4} midwinter

 when i was growing up, midwinter only meant one thing - my mum's birthday. it meant apple pie, and coffee, and visitors. it meant almost Xmas, and a stressed out mother, who never relished her birthdays. she had tonnes of friends and they all insisted on coming over for coffee, and relations would also put in an appearance. it was fun on the one hand {it broke the calm of the house in a nice way}, but somehow it never filled me with much joy, seeing my mum so tense...

until i moved to England and got to know some of the pagan traditions that were connected with Yule, with the Winter Solstice, with Xmas that was celebrated with booze and songs and jolliness. not the austere, quiet, holy event it was in the past of NL where i grew up - catholic and reverent. jolliness was not acceptable. guess which one i preferred....

it wasn't until much later that i started seriously reading about it; about all the other feasts and celebrations that have been christianised, bent into the christian calendar to make it more palatable for the many pagans living in Europe, with the Celtic department on the British Isles largely ignoring them. which they continue to do until this day.

so, the winter solstice celebrates the returning of the light. it celebrates the passing of the shortest day, the day with the least amount of light. the birth of another year. >here< is more detailed information about it, and the traditions connected to it. 

off to my mum's in a bit, for cake and coffee... 

Xmas things {3} films

i love films. and i really like watching films at xmas...

not all films, and preferably not on one of the commercial stations, as advert breaks are a complete turn off, but there's a few films i'll happily watch - even on the wretched commercials - year in year out...  

my list:

* While Your Were Sleeping  {1995} - of course, totally predictable, but Sandra Bullock plays a fairly relatable loser with no love life who falls for a pretty boy, one she only really knows from the booth at the train station where she sells tokens to get onto the train. and then he falls onto the track, goes into a coma {... go with it...} and she rescues him... cue his family who thinks she's his fiance, and madness and mayhem ensue.  set around the holidays, so totally fitting in mood, and cuteness... 

* Muppet Christmas Carol {1992} - this will always leave me with a few tears, and a happy heart... been a family favourite since we discovered it, many moons ago. yet another version of the Dickens tale, but done it a very charming, sweet and uplifting way.

* Scrooged {1988} - another version again of A Christmas Carol, but done with Bill Murray as a bastard exec of a tv station that has his staff on a short leash. not always in the mood for it, but when i catch it, i tend to sit through it. very dated, though...

* The Nightmare Before Christmas {1993} - stop-motion x Tim Burton x Xmas = brilliant!! love this film, despite missing it often... beautifully awful spirited, but still amazingly sweet... 

* You've Got Mail {1998} - actually, i'll watch this film any time of the year, but at Xmas it's even more cute... one of my all time favourites, xmas or no xmas.

* The Chronicles Of Narnia ~ The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe {2005} - beautifully made adaptation of one of the books in the Narnia series, by C.S. Lewis. 

well, that's the ones i can think of. what are your faves?

Xmas things {2} folding ornaments

sometimes i get the urge to add something small to a xmas card. the card itself is already a joy to receive, i feel {I adore post...}, but a small trinket added can add that little bit extra. and origami is another one of my passions. well, strong word - i get a huge amount of joy from folding something fun out of a piece of paper. there, i said it...

having had my kids go to a Waldorf Steiner school has been an eye opener in many more ways than i ever envisaged. there i {finally} learnt what anthroposophy was all about - the good, the bad and the downright ugly... leaving the latter 2 aside, the good was almost life saving, in as much as it getting me back in touch with nature, and my own spirit. it 'cut the crap', so to speak, and stopped me being too involved in {what i call} the Real World. cos, what is Real anyway?!! {another post about that one soon, i feel...} the kids had a subtle launch into it, being allowed to mature at a gentle pace, requiring a strong base from having learnt a truckload of valuable lessons. some of those lessons involved origami. 

one of the pillars of Waldorf learning is Using Your Hands. another Feeding Your Soul, not just Filling Your Head {which i felt is the only pillar primary & secondary schools are known for}. the Using Your Hands bit was a way of Feeding Your Soul, and in the process you Fill Your Head. something like this. not always as simple as that, but that what {i think} it boils down to. and origami is the ultimate Using Your Hands... many creations have been made by the kids, over the years, which would always leave me impressed, some left me baffled - how?! and some made my hands go itchy. so i learnt them, over time.

a few: 

the star lantern

the star lantern can be folded the difficult way, 

or it can be folded the easy way... 

i learnt the first, and now that i know the easier way, it seems so mad 

to even try using the other method. 

but there's probably some thinking behind it 

{lots of measuring, being precise and intricate, looking at your paper 

and it's dimensions differently, developing patience, 

that kind of thing...} I fold them every year, 

and i love the outcome, every time... 

*

German/Danish/Moldovan stars

i tried many times to get to the final stages of the proper star 

without ripping the paper, or screaming at something, 

but alas, it seems beyond my capacities... 

i get as far as the star shape itself, 

but as soon as the curly bits have to be done, 

something snaps. i can't get there.... 

so, i decided that the flat ones are fine as well... 

*

folded stars

i love doing these, as they're easy, although quite finickity 

if your paper is small 

or easily breakable, but on the whole, 

they're fun little bits to make in less than half an hour... 

once you get the hang of it again... 

great tutorial here

so, some fun ways to get through boring days, or just to give yourself another few tricks up your sleeve!! and just think of how your Soul Will Be Fed... 💜

Xmas things {1} cake

really, this should've been started at the beginning of this month, and really, this cake should've been made in October, or thereabouts, cos ideally it should be sitting in a cupboard, wrapped up and fed brandy {lucky bugger...} every two weeks, maturing quietly, but made a few days before the actual 25th of December, it should still taste amazing. cos fruitcakes are brilliant in winter with a mug of tea or coffee, so get started asap!!! 

i've used this recipe for many years, having ripped it out of a BBC Good Food magazine in about 1998, and it ALWAYS makes a beautiful, delicious cake... {my mouth is watering as I read it through...} it is not vegan, or glutenfree, or sugarfree, but the internet is filled with alternatives, if that's what you're looking for.

Christmas cake

{BBC Good Food} 

350g currants

225g raisins
225g sultanas {optional}

75g candied peel
100g glacé cherries
1 lemon
50g almonds
6 tsp brandy {optional}

350g flour
1 tsp biscuit spices
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp nutmeg
250g butter
250g dark muscovado sugar
4 eggs, beaten


* grease a 20cm diameter tin and fold two layers of baking paper in it.

* preheat the oven to 150 ℃

* mix the raisins, currants and sultanas, then add the candied peel and cherries. Grate the lemon zest very finely {without the white pieces}. Squeeze the juice.

* pour boiling water over the almonds, let it stand for 5 minutes, then remove the skins {unless you already have white almonds}. Chop them very finely and stir into the fruits, along with the lemon juice, the grated zest and two tsp brandy.

* sift the flour and spices together in another bowl. Beat the butter and eggs together until fluffy. Always add a bit of flour at a time so that it does not curdle.

* add the fruit mix, then the rest of the flour. Spoon everything into the baking tin and smooth it out with a spoon.

* bake this now for 3½ to 4 hours, until completely cooked and firm {check with a knitting needle - it should come out dry}. If the top gets too dark before the cake is done, put some foil over it.

* let cool in the pan, then take it out and remove the paper. Prick holes in it with a thin skewer and carefully pour over the brandy with a spoon. Put the cake in a double layer of parchment paper and then a layer of aluminum foil. It can be stored for up to 12 months in a cold, dry place.

* decorate the cake according to your preference

triggered

on days that i manage to get a meditation in, Things go better... 

i know this, it's something i've figured out a long time ago, the feeling once i've done it is beautiful, i feel calmer and less chaotic in my head, but still, those days are rare. i just forget to do it... true, sometimes i can have a run at it, do three days, experience the calm, the stuff that needs to be dealt with {my meditations are often therapy sessions, where i work things out, stuff that has nestled deeply into my Being, sadnesses and anger, i go through them, accept and let go, and feel lighter for it} and go about my day a bit less bothered by the things that can easily drag me down. 

yesterday i spent a nice afternoon at the house of my ex, as he had some work done to the bathroom and kitchen {had both ripped out basically, and was left with no utilities, apart from the toilet}, and since he and the boys had been using my shower a few times, and my washing machine, he invited me over to goggle at his brand spanking new appliances - which to be honest looked amazing - and have coffee {and cake, as it turned out... my kind of gathering...}. my mum, who's shower had also been 'borrowed', was there as well, and we all had a fun time, catching up, pondering on how odd life is at the moment, and just when i thought that this was all going so nicely - at my ex's place, chatting about how apparently my dad was a champion ballroom dancer in his late teens {?! how did i not know this?!!}, the kids seemed in a good place - and then it happened. the thing that always happens when my mum is with my kids, or my ex, or my brother. i get triggered... within seconds i divert back to the 13 y/o me, the one that feels sidelined, not-appreciated, misunderstood... ridiculed, thought of as weird, etc. etc. 

how many years of therapy have i had?! 

not enough, as it turned out. 

a few weeks back, i had a chat about something similar with my friend M, who is on a similar path of Letting It Go, and it dawned on me that yes, in an ideal world i would have put this annoying trigger to rest ages ago, and yes, it is reflecting back a part of myself that i find incredibly difficult to accept, and also yes - i don't have to feel bad about it!! it's not my fault... 

one of the many things i learnt from my time with ex is that although families can be a massive support, they can also be a reminder - week in week out - of why you feel so thoroughly fucked up... not their fault either - we all are results of our own parenting, our own parent's triggers etc. and you don't have to have them in your life... you're not obliged to be the doting offspring, massaging their ego's, treading carefully to avoid their triggers... you don't. arm's length is fine, if that's what you need to feel at peace. 

so that's what this morning's meditation was about, allowing myself to accept that i can't deal with my mother... and that this is okay. it doesn't make me a selfish, egotistical monster. it just gives my 13 y/o some breathing space. until they're ready to try again...

if ever...

..o0o0o0o..

"If people are doubting how far you can go,
go so far that you can't hear them anymore..."
~ Michele Ruiz

💜

new times...

since i gave up Facebook a while ago, finding it a rather depressing place to hang out in, it not being the happy place i once discovered in 2009, i missed having a place to voice my totally unimportant thoughts. Instagram is brilliant, but only really meant for pictures, i feel... so, after a few years of radio silence, Daan waffles again... 

who is Daan? i hear you ask...

well, Daan is a 51 y/o, 23 y/o feeling-inside gender nonconformist 🌈person, mother to 4 amazing young adults who are finding their place in the world {in much the same way as their old mum...}, i live in a lovely small old city called Breda in the south of NL with my youngest, and 2 silly cats, i enjoy a lot of things that include writing, reading, photography, arts, crafts, crafting, getting to know new {to me} cities and landscapes, or new parts of familiar ones, music, intuitive development, coffee & chocolate... you'll probably see these in various combinations on this blog, either in my back catalogue or in the future. 

other things that interest me are lgbtq+ related matters, England {lived there for almost a decade, during the nineties}, Doing Your Own Thing, arthouse films, vintage things, Not Living In The Real World, working out who the f&^% i am, anthroposophy... 

so there... 

in these mad times, i might as well get this thing going again. plenty happening in my mind, and plenty of stuff i'd happily blab on about, like many years ago when i first started a blog, thinking of how weird it was to even have on of these things... who'd read it?! 

currently

hearing
deacon blue - somewhere in my heart
{rediscovered them recently}

reading
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
{over halfway now!!!}

watching
Richard Osman's House of Games
{bbc2, every day at 7}

making
folded lanterns, Waldorf style

dreaming
about being in Berlin again...
one day!!

loving
working out the last chapter of a story i'm writing
{fanfic, so not sharing here}

alien in Brabant

some people i know {virtually, mainly} describe their existence as if they've been accidentally plonked here on earth by aliens. that's how at odds they feel with the people around them, people they've grown up with, family members even...
i regularly feel this way about my life - aliens left me here, with no instructions manual - "go figure it out by yourself, mate..."

last night i spent an evening with one of my dad's cousins, a lovely, bubbly, unmistakable member of the Heijkoop clan, with their strong-willed women and kindly, compliant men... i was asked to come along with my mum, and so we drove off in her car after i'd finished work. i drove cos my mum is scared of getting lost. of the dark. of driving and getting lost in the dark. once inside her house, my dad's cousin made us feel very welcome, as if we'd only dropped by a few weeks before, only we hadn't seen the house yet. as she showed us around, i was struck by how similar it was to my place - slightly chaotic, filled with too much memorabilia from Life and people once in it. and as we got talking, the social confidence of the cousin felt like a breath of fresh air... she has no qualms about who she's talking to, will happily talk to anyone, doesn't care what others think of her, and finds things in common, to make you feel like you're okay... she felt more familiar than my own mum, who was engaging in pretty narrow-minded rants with the cousin's husband, and as i sat there, i thought: who is that woman?! how was i raised by this person?! how are my brother and  she related to me?!

it's true that {although i've felt at odds with society as long as i can remember} my family only really started to feel alien to me once i moved to England, and got to know the people who became important to me there. once i got to know ex, and his family. once i learnt how to be strong-willed myself, and to feel confident socially, and about being me, and that the things i was interested in, intrigued by, really liked, were unfamiliar to the rest of my family... this freaked them out. understandably... it freaked me out a little as well, but it also felt like it had to happen. and i'm happy that my dad kind of got me again, eventually...

the problem is: my mum has an issue with strong-willed women who are not under her spell... she needs people to be under her spell for her to feel she has 'power'. cos that's how she's learnt to feel okay enough. enough people think she's awesome, and in many ways she's a pretty amazing person, to have dealt with what life has thrown on her path. and i'm happy for her that she does have quite a few people in her life that feel she's great, and tell her so. i just wished she'd think of herself the way those other people rate her... but she doesn't, and unfortunately, she'll feel thrown off balance by those who don't get her that way... unfortunately, i'm one of those people...

it makes me feel sad, to know this. and it makes me feel a bit insecure when i'm around her. i don't know how to be her daughter... i wish i knew how to make her feel good about herself, but the merest thing will throw her off course and it annoys me to see her berate herself, to see her so negative, and scared and freaked out, and narrow-minded... it annoys me that i have to dodge her comments, aimed at people and things she despises {in which i can often recognise myself}... i know it's her innate fear coming out, but still...

there's probably something i'm having to learn from this...