the last sunset of this year
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a year that had me tear my hair out
with rage and disbelief,
with excitement and hope
of dreams and ponder
finding my feet & my place in this world
cheerio
imagined
some days are better than others....
some days i'll feel so energised, so alive and bubbling with excitement, happy, no: overjoyed!! nothing can throw me off this feeling and everything seems to go so easily... people appear in my life who are helpful, seem the missing piece of the puzzle at that moment, and things fall into place. i can't imagine life ever being a challenge...
and then the next day it all feels so far away. the joy, the thrill, the ease - a heaviness has taken over, and the world seems dark. nothing i do can make it go away. meditation doesn't help, a long walk in the woods doesn't make a difference, listening to nice music doesn't change a thing... all the stuff i've learnt seems to be rubbish, cos i may know that i am not the fear, that i am not the darkness in my soul, i may know that this too shall pass, as it it nesting itself in me, it feels bloody real...
yesterday was one of those dark days... it started off okay, with the daughter getting ready for her trip to her boyfriend, and me pottering about, getting the washing up done, checking some stuff online, ordering a few bits and bobs, talking through some things with a colleague at work... this doomy feeling set in, very slowly... i went for a long walk along the river, where a beautiful bit of nature has been created over the years, with a path that meanders along with the flow of the river, and if felt okay, even though half of the city seemed to want to go for a walk, and there were way more people there than i had hoped to encounter, but it was okay. geese flew over loudly honking, ducks swam and flapped a bit, the wind was blowing through the reeds in the water. i enjoyed what i encountered.
then, in the evening after i had made myself some dinner, the feeling really took hold. fear, mixed with frustration and anger, about the way things didn't seem to be changing... i meditated on it, but nothing changed. i wrote about it in my journal, but nothing shifted. so i sent my friend M a text, asking if it was okay with her if i waffled on a bit about this, maybe she recognised it... and she did... we chatted for ages, pinpointing the things we were feeling, the insecurities we noticed and how everything seems to be such a struggle... why, when we know we can create a beautiful world that we prefer to the way we live now, do we seem to keep getting stuck in Fear? is it the remnants of the crap we have dealt with already? the things that we know are from our ancestors, that we drag along with us still? is this the stuff our egos don't want to let go of, cos who knows what it will be replaced with? better to hang on to what we know than the risk of something unknown-but-even-more-wonderful...?
if we create our world with the thoughts we think, it's important that we think Happy, Beautiful, Joyful, Expansive, Abundant thoughts, and not let Fear and Frustration and Anger take hold... see them, accept them, breathe towards them, but ultimately, let them go... even if it takes chatting with a friend who is many miles away....
shedding skin
or: how the Law of Attraction has always been with us
in the past 2 years, it's become very clear to me that - despite my natural reservations - i've been stuck in the programming that has been imposed on us humans for centuries... i too have been sucked into the beliefs that certain people were trustworthy, that certain companies had our best interests at heart and that certain people were the Good Ones... i used to vote, believing that my vote would make a difference, that i was doing my duty as a citizen in a world where everybody did their bit to create a better world. i used to vote left-wing, believing that parties on that side of the political spectrum were more like i saw the world.
i listened to bands that seemed to represent my values, i watched films that were made by actors and directors who appeared to be good folks, creating a world that i enjoyed seeing represented.
almost ALL of my core values and views as a citizen of the world have been shattered, betrayed and become beacons of how very WRONG i have been... even i, who didn't believe in heroes, who didn't {wish to} worship and was aware of the intrinsic value in Authenticity of the Self.... of being True to Your Self...
it feels like i've gone through a mourning process, ever since the 'pandemic' was declared, in March last year, and every single person i used to have some kind of respect for seemed to pander to the Fear, submit to the new normal... without question... all the ones that were once punk/rock/anti-establishment, they all {wishing to be seen as good citizens, as examples to their fans and peers of Modern Virtue} became spokespeople for their health authorities, seemingly spreading the sensible word, appearing to be careful for each other's sake, never once questioning the point of any of the measures they promoted. only questioning those who questioned it.... ridiculing them, demonising them... the modern rebels, that they once were, made into outcasts...
the process of returning to myself, my own values, my own matrix of truth and authenticity, has been weird, scary sometimes, cos how does one 'replace' a familiar matrix of lies and deception? how does one build a new world based on truth and love, on kindness and inner strength? what template do i have? where do i find like minded people?
the funny thing is, we have been using the Law of Attraction all of our lives, only, we have been attracting the things that were right for our belief systems. we were taught to believe certain things, and our vibrations called out for all that to be confirmed, so the Universe sent us all the things and people that fitted this narrative. so we got duality and contrast, cos we believed that this was what was Normal. we got the shadows in ourselves represented by other people, cos that's what we believed was truth. other people were evil, not us... other people we devious, not us... other people were wrong/bad/selfish/virtuous {fill in the blanks}, not us...
many of us around the world have been awake {aware}, but still part of the matrix. raised by people who were stuck in it themselves, our vision blurred by conditioning & traumas, by fear of exclusion, or whatever other things obscured our Inner Knowing. but these last 2 years have raised the veil... these last 2 years have shown us that we were 'different' for a reason... we never really fitted into the Society that was created, we never really fitted into the matrix of fear and submission, of singing to the tune of controlled governments...
but in order to move away from this, we need to accept these parts of ourselves first - we are all of those things that we see around us. it's no use railing against the wrongs we see around us and not see them within ourselves... then we'd still be living inside the Us v Them matrix of the old world...
make a note of all the things around you that annoy you, that bug you, and ask yourself: how do i do this myself? where am i all of those things? it can be scary to do this, confronting yourself with things you don't wish to see, certainly not in yourself, but it's crucial in order to move on... to move into a new World all together...
soul purpose
in these three videos, it is explained where we are as human beings, what our journey here on earth means and how we can move forward in these times of transition and ascension. best watched in order of posting...
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stronger than you think...
one of the things we need to do as a species, in the coming months/years, is to move out of the victim/perpetrator mentality, which has held humanity hostage for far too long.
whenever i opted for someone to own up to the life they've manifested for themself, one of the strongest reactions was - so it's my own fault that i'm in this mess? it's my own fault that i'm sick? it's my own fault that.... {fill in the blanks}
fault - blame - guilt - pressure - shaming - ridicule - fear - punishment - disapproval
all things that have been used for centuries to stop us from listening to our own inner voice, our own wisdom. the church has used it for ages, and the results of this are still palpable in most societies, western or otherwise. however far removed we think we might be from the grip of vicars and bishops, of authority posed by religious groups. remnants of god-fearing indoctrination are happily used now by the state, by health care professionals, by certain industries and our educational systems, having us believe that we are actually free to do as we please....
from childhood we've been trained to believe that we aren't able to heal ourselves, to make up our own minds about what feels best for us, should doubt inner voices that steer us away from jobs that aren't good for our souls, or people that we don't need in our lives. we manifest a life that's filled with sadness and pain and illness and boredom and cheap entertainment and bad food and fake fulfilment, cos that's exactly what we've been encouraged to by our parents, our teachers, our peers, our media, our heroes... and when we get ill, it's just tough luck. and that's what doctors are for, with their pills and treatments and therapies and things that don't really have you rely on your own abilities to heal, cos god forbid that you're no longer sick... then you wouldn't be the cash cow that you have become!!
we have been trained to be victims. of fate, of bad genes, of bad luck, of bad families...
all this is about to change. we are moving into a time when we learn to take charge of our own lives, of our own realities, to manifest whatever life you believe you are 'worthy' of. depending on your convictions about yourself, about life in general. the reality that you see before you, that you believe in, is the reality you'll attract.
what's yours going to be?
karma is a b... {beautiful mirror}
for the last 8 days, i've been turning more and more inward. not cos i have a winterdip coming up, or because life is dragging me down, but because i have to... something is making me go very deep, and a lot of stuff is being unearthed, stuff i never thought i'd deal with, or that it was still being stored... the energies of late, and the higher vibration which the world is experiencing now, is making this happen, whether we like it or not....
a few:
* a deep fear of what was happening in the world around me, the draconic measures that governments are taking worldwide to keep people suppressed, to keep us 'under their spell', had made me very upset. especially last thursday, when it was 11/11 and i had meant to be on a higher frequency, Deliriously Happy, i was just getting all kinds of crap on my path... a colleague who was challenging everything i did, customers who were asking me what i thought about Possible New Measures, or - again - challenging me, and i was feeling quite rough already. a headache and feeling drained kept me from the state of Delirious Happiness, and i was angry - why wasn't i able to do this?? surely is wasn't that hard to be Happy??? hadn't i learnt anything from my hours of talking to Mo??? as soon as i got home, i collapsed, and took the next few days off work, cos i felt like death warmed up. thankfully i had this week off anyway, so i was able to emerge myself in Inner Work, in Getting To The Bloody Bottom Of This...
* a meditation gave me the key. an experience i had while giving birth to my eldest son seemed to be at the centre of this death fear i had for yonks. the birth itself ignited a fear so deep, so strong, that it stayed with me all this time {i'm still amazed that i had three more babies...}. i was at death's door, literally, but i was told to go back, i hadn't finished yet, i had a child to raise, and learn more.... i was re-born, in an English hospital {hence, i guess, my deep longing to be there} and i've spent 28 years growing myself... {this meditation was the night before Eldest was having his 28th birthday....}
* for the longest time i thought i had a kind of inferiority complex. my childhood was spent trying to hide from bullies, people in my village school who thought i was weird, who disliked me for no other reason than that i was different to them, since i was a toddler.... as soon as i went to school, i was confronted with my inability to fit in. i was classed 'shy', considered a bit too dreamy, and not really that interesting by my teachers... i wasn't gifted, like some in my class, i enjoyed learning but about things that i took an interest in, not necessarily the things that i was supposed to, to excel academically. so for ages i thought i was dim. not clever enough. now i know i was trying desperately to fit into a world that i wasn't ever going to fit into, and not given the tools to get to that place.
* last week, one of the confrontations i had with a colleague was when she made it clear to me that i was being superior to her, snooty and dismissive, and that it wasn't on.... who, me?? superior?? wot...?? but she was right... my new 'role' as under-supervisor {?? is that even a thing??} made me feel superior to her. i was FINALLY acknowledged as having some kind of talent, not seen as a slightly useless weirdo, and i was going to bloody well use that... and that came back to bite me in the bum, thanks to the 5D reality the world is changing into... crap flies back into your face no sooner has it happened....
* to add to it: i'm feeling slightly superior to the people that are still stuck in the 3D reality, who are still buying the bollocks that the media feeds them, and i'm loving it... ha!! you bastards that made my life hell when i was 8 - see how you like this.... not pretty, i know, but apparently i need to feel this right now, for a bit. acknowledge that i actually feel this... that i actually enjoy that the world is shifting to a place where i can actually feel at home, for once.... after 52 bloody years.....
so... ascension... take a look at the things that are still keeping you from fully being Happy - be it Delirious or otherwise...
11/11
let there be light
let there be love
let there be kindness
let there be unity
let there be joy
let there be truth
let there be inner peace
surrealisms
since our outside worlds reflect our inner worlds, there must be a heck of a lot of tension and restricting going on inside of me...
as from this weekend i won't be allowed into museums or the swimming pool, {most} restaurants were already out of bounds and traveling to England has long been struck off my list of Places I Could Travel To, since i'm not taking an experimental jab or wish to be tested and therefor can't produce an entrance code. fine, i'll make my own entertainment... Normal Society has slowly dwindled to a very narrow band in the last 20 months of places where i'm welcome anyway, or at least places where i feel welcome. and my resolve will be carried on being tested in the next few months. in the Normal World reality at least...
your world is as restricted or as welcoming as you allow it to be. for this to be true, you'll have to let go of the notion that Reality is only the one presented to you by other people, and take ownership of your Inner World, the thoughts you have, the Reality you wish to create... to get there it is important to realise that you can... you can take ownership, you can change your outer world, you can choose Joy and Beauty above Chaos and Fear.... the reality that you see on tv and in shops and on social media is also real, as real as you want it to be, and if you prefer that one, then by all means carry on living in that Reality. just know that it doesn't have to be if it doesn't make you feel happy... you're not stuck with a life or a world that fills you with fear or dread or restrictions...
it has taken me way too long to integrate this Knowing into my world... for too long i was convinced that it couldn't be true, it couldn't be this easy... surely it was all pie in the sky to think that i didn't have to abide by the things i saw on tv or on social media... that this was a Reality, not the only Reality. it takes a certain way of thinking, one that seemed daft to me for a long time. rational as i was brought up to be. as most of us have been...
so, what 'unrealistic' reality are you going to manifest?
here, there and everywhere
terms & conditions
when attracting Things and People and Situations into one's life, how much of this is from conscious intention and how much is from unwanted conditioning...?
this question has been on my mind, since i read the bit of info from my to go to book, which connects physical ailments a person can have to emotional blocks and mental wrong-goings that cause them. and as i kept coming back to the same 'reasons' that cause my current 'ailment' {wonky hip} and i kept getting the same message, i spent a few days thinking about this... i get what is meant - i do need to be more true to my nature, i would love to be able to live my life according to what my intuition and higher self guide me to do, but there's so much crap in the way that's stopping me from actually doing this... if i even know what my true nature is?!!
what is our true nature?
if it is the one that was with us before we were conditioned by our families and society, how do we get back to that? is it possible to let that go, to live our lives unencumbered by conditioning? some conditioning is useful - how irritating are kids that are never socially corrected, and are allowed to run amoc cos their parents have no idea how to raise them {also a conditioned notion by me} - but apart from the stuff we learn to not be annoying & spoilt toddlers, what is actually Fear instilled by our parents, relations and teachers? when is it our Intuition warning us for danger?
a few years ago my aunt {mum's sister} talked about my dad's mum, who was a ferocious woman, and apparently she was angry with me a lot. my behaviour - as a 2 y/o - annoyed her and she reacted to me with rejection and anger. did i learn to modify who i was already? did her reactions, and those of my parents, impact me to the extent that i was scared to be Me, to be relaxed with myself, my inherent Daan-ness...? if this was my template for life, for dealing with the world around me, how do i replace that with a more loving, kinder version? is that even possible? i expect women to be annoyed by me, to reject me as soon as i display behaviour that feels right for me... as keeps happening to me at work, where i only work with women who {seemingly} reject me. i attract them into my life, to carry on the expectation that older women reject me {my nan, my other nan, my mum}. younger women are a reflection of who i feel i am, and are no threat. men, mostly, want my pity, or my adoration, and i'll happily give that to them, cos that will get me their affection {my dad}.
who the fuck am I?!
what the heck do I want?!!
what fills MY heart with Joy???
time to find this out, to get back to the version i was before my nan and my mum and my other nan and social conditioning got their hands on me...
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