I’m a Square Peg. which is fine… I have my own qualities, and those who can’t deal with that can go %$#@ themselves…
I’m a beautiful, great, loving, creative, dreamy Square…
100 days, 100 words {25}
the other day it dawned on me that {i too} have been trying my level best to be a Square Peg in the Round Hole that is Expectation… and as I had no idea how to be a Round Peg, I’ve been so busy trying to cram myself into that hole, completely closing my eyes to the fact that I am not, and never will be, a Round Peg…
I’m a Square Peg. which is fine… I have my own qualities, and those who can’t deal with that can go %$#@ themselves…
I’m a beautiful, great, loving, creative, dreamy Square…
I’m a Square Peg. which is fine… I have my own qualities, and those who can’t deal with that can go %$#@ themselves…
I’m a beautiful, great, loving, creative, dreamy Square…
100 days, 100 words {24}
with my blogger-friend Kati i will take up a 30-day writing-challenge, as we both fancied doing something to wake our Selves up a little, to answer difficult questions, to Figure Stuff Out... we both did one a few years back, inspired by Waldo Emerson {American thinker from around 200 years ago}, a tool in one’s voyage of Self-discovery, and even more important: self-reliance…
and because we can’t come up with anything ourselves, we thought it might be nice to re-take the challenge from 2011, seen as Stuff has happened in our lives since then…
here goes nothing {as from Monday}…
100 words, 100 days {#20, 21 & 22}
{one way to get through this challenge!! J }
yesterday my friend Mo and Pops and myself went to Antwerp. this is my to-go-to-place, just over the border into Belgium, to get away from Too Much Dutch… Antwerp is cosmopolitan, arty, crazy, very old-fashioned, dirty, unpredictable, colourful, shallow – a bit like myself, really {*on the floor laughing…*} and every so many months I need a bit of it, to get Holland and it’s dull predictability out of my system… clarity and efficiency is fine, but not for too long… not for me, anyway…
so off we went, in Mo’s car, and got stuck in a traffic jam, just before we turned off for the city, which we reached after what felt like forever, but there was plenty to talk about since the last time we nattered, so it never felt like forever…
once there we walked, and talked and saw and smiled and questioned and giggled, and flirted and dressed up, and wondered and laughed loudly, and ate and drank and wondered some more… we enjoyed the arts that we saw in the street, in shop windows, in tiny galleries, in unusual spaces, and talked to total strangers, were amazed by the beauty we saw in unexpected corners, the expressions of somebody’s thoughts, somebody’s creativity, chiselled out of stone, carved out of wood, made from plaster or plastic… we discussed our notions, informed what we knew, and ate the most wonderful cheesecake while drying out from the deluge we managed to {narrowly} escape from, hiding underneath the awning of a small restaurant.
Back home we were tired and ate omelette, and watched tv, looked at the photo’s we’d made to remember a lovely day out in a blustery city near the Schelde… I am so grateful for days like these…
yesterday my friend Mo and Pops and myself went to Antwerp. this is my to-go-to-place, just over the border into Belgium, to get away from Too Much Dutch… Antwerp is cosmopolitan, arty, crazy, very old-fashioned, dirty, unpredictable, colourful, shallow – a bit like myself, really {*on the floor laughing…*} and every so many months I need a bit of it, to get Holland and it’s dull predictability out of my system… clarity and efficiency is fine, but not for too long… not for me, anyway…
so off we went, in Mo’s car, and got stuck in a traffic jam, just before we turned off for the city, which we reached after what felt like forever, but there was plenty to talk about since the last time we nattered, so it never felt like forever…
once there we walked, and talked and saw and smiled and questioned and giggled, and flirted and dressed up, and wondered and laughed loudly, and ate and drank and wondered some more… we enjoyed the arts that we saw in the street, in shop windows, in tiny galleries, in unusual spaces, and talked to total strangers, were amazed by the beauty we saw in unexpected corners, the expressions of somebody’s thoughts, somebody’s creativity, chiselled out of stone, carved out of wood, made from plaster or plastic… we discussed our notions, informed what we knew, and ate the most wonderful cheesecake while drying out from the deluge we managed to {narrowly} escape from, hiding underneath the awning of a small restaurant.
Back home we were tired and ate omelette, and watched tv, looked at the photo’s we’d made to remember a lovely day out in a blustery city near the Schelde… I am so grateful for days like these…
100 words, 100 days {#17, 18 & 19}
{this will probably count as cheating, if i was going to read the rules, but I’m in this world to make up my own rules – in these kinds of things – so it’s okay… cos I say so…}
It’s a full moon tonight, which always makes me feel kind of funny, like the Witch inside of me wants to break out and fly around on her broom, cast spells on the people I have an issue with {so it’s probably good that I haven’t mastered that one as yet…} and stuff like that…
I’ve always had a Thing for the Moon… I love the Moon, its power and its differing shapes, its part in stories and fairy tales. It still looms large in my life, as each time there is a full moon, I tend to have rubbish sleeps, if I sleep at all…
Of course, the Moon has many connections to older beliefs, Paganism for instance, to rituals and the way we live, still, and there are days that I remember what it is, that I ought to be doing something with my gemstones for instance {put them in the light of the moon, or not…}, but most of the time I just forget, I sit and watch that huge round orb-thing in the sky and wonder about the world, and myself and if I will ever get to grips with my intuitive side or whatever…
As I will tonight, when sleep won’t come and something to do with its pull will keep me awake, and I will be a basket case tomorrow… {luckily most customers in the wholefood shop where I work are familiar with the funny things the moon can do… maybe one of them can explain to me what it is I ought to be doing…}
It’s a full moon tonight, which always makes me feel kind of funny, like the Witch inside of me wants to break out and fly around on her broom, cast spells on the people I have an issue with {so it’s probably good that I haven’t mastered that one as yet…} and stuff like that…
I’ve always had a Thing for the Moon… I love the Moon, its power and its differing shapes, its part in stories and fairy tales. It still looms large in my life, as each time there is a full moon, I tend to have rubbish sleeps, if I sleep at all…
Of course, the Moon has many connections to older beliefs, Paganism for instance, to rituals and the way we live, still, and there are days that I remember what it is, that I ought to be doing something with my gemstones for instance {put them in the light of the moon, or not…}, but most of the time I just forget, I sit and watch that huge round orb-thing in the sky and wonder about the world, and myself and if I will ever get to grips with my intuitive side or whatever…
As I will tonight, when sleep won’t come and something to do with its pull will keep me awake, and I will be a basket case tomorrow… {luckily most customers in the wholefood shop where I work are familiar with the funny things the moon can do… maybe one of them can explain to me what it is I ought to be doing…}
100 days, 100 words {15}
in a society that requires us to Fit In {or else} how possible is it to truly Be Yourself?
this is a question I ask myself often, as it’s something I seem to struggle with the most. when does one have a Personality Disorder {I was described as being Narcissistic bya new friend someone who only knew me from Facebook chat-sessions we've been having in the past three weeks}, and when is one Truly Themselves? when is it a problem?
maybe even writing on a blog and wondering about things like this is narcissistic already… maybe he was right…
this is a question I ask myself often, as it’s something I seem to struggle with the most. when does one have a Personality Disorder {I was described as being Narcissistic by
maybe even writing on a blog and wondering about things like this is narcissistic already… maybe he was right…
100 days, 100 words {#10, 11 & 12}
the thing that drives me mad when interacting with {new} people is the expectation that they have of you, almost immediately. I don’t know if it’s an innate human thing, that we do it out of some sort of survival instinct, or a way to make life easier, or that we’ve learnt it throughout our childhoods, cos that’s what we had happen to us as kids. whatever the reason: it’s one of the hardest things to cope with where {new} friendships are concerned, it feels.
just this week, it happened to me twice. people expected me to be something I feel I’m not – never have been, never will be. and both times I was made to feel like I was the baddie. the one that had hoodwinked them, when all that really happened was that they’d built a picture of me that turned out to be wrong, and so I was to blame…
but then again: don’t I do it too? don’t I build up pictures of people, maybe not expect stuff, but certainly hope for certain scenario’s to happen…? is hope the same as disguised expectation?
according to ex I do exactly that. I built up Expectations of him, and when he couldn't measure up, he became the baddie… and maybe he was right – I probably did that, I wanted him to be what I needed, and even when he was showing me clear signs of being the polar opposite, I stuck to my Picture of what I Hope For, and became angry with him for not fitting it… but then he had his own version – he expected me to me just like him in so many ways, not needing any comfort or affirmation from anyone else around him…
maybe we all are raised to play mind games…
just this week, it happened to me twice. people expected me to be something I feel I’m not – never have been, never will be. and both times I was made to feel like I was the baddie. the one that had hoodwinked them, when all that really happened was that they’d built a picture of me that turned out to be wrong, and so I was to blame…
but then again: don’t I do it too? don’t I build up pictures of people, maybe not expect stuff, but certainly hope for certain scenario’s to happen…? is hope the same as disguised expectation?
according to ex I do exactly that. I built up Expectations of him, and when he couldn't measure up, he became the baddie… and maybe he was right – I probably did that, I wanted him to be what I needed, and even when he was showing me clear signs of being the polar opposite, I stuck to my Picture of what I Hope For, and became angry with him for not fitting it… but then he had his own version – he expected me to me just like him in so many ways, not needing any comfort or affirmation from anyone else around him…
maybe we all are raised to play mind games…
100 days, 100 words {8}
to let
my head feels dingy
like someone turned off the lights
and then ran off
to see if I’d cope
my head feels dull
like cotton wool has been stuffed
into every crevice and corner
or insulation foam
pushed in through my nose
my head feels sore
as if whacked by a mullet
hard
and again
and again…
my heart feels sad
a sorrowful thud sounds quietly
somewhere in my chest
my heart feels lonely
a part of it is missing
since you went
my heart feels empty
my head feels dingy
like someone turned off the lights
and then ran off
to see if I’d cope
my head feels dull
like cotton wool has been stuffed
into every crevice and corner
or insulation foam
pushed in through my nose
my head feels sore
as if whacked by a mullet
hard
and again
and again…
my heart feels sad
a sorrowful thud sounds quietly
somewhere in my chest
my heart feels lonely
a part of it is missing
since you went
my heart feels empty
hollow, abandoned
where once you were
there now is space
to let
where once you were
there now is space
to let
 |
| {picture from dear friend S} |
100 days, 100 words {5}
You’re finally here and I’m a mess
I’ll take your entrance back
Can’t let you roam inside my head…
I don’t want to take what you can’t give
I would rather starve than eat your bread
I would rather run but I can’t walk
Guess I’ll lie alone just like before
I’ll take the vermin’s path
And I must refuse your test
Push me and I will resist
This behaviour’s not unique
....
{first load of words to the song Corduroy, which I feel
has opened my heart, when I saw Pearl Jam live last year}
100 words, 100 days {3}
She puts on her coat, and sets off for the door. It will be the last time, she's sure she’ll not come back. In one had she carries a bag, filled with clothes and some photo’s, and her diary, and a few mementoes she'd gathered over the years. In her heart is the promise of happiness. Outside awaits a taxi, bound for the airport. She knows there’s no way back. She booked a flight to get to the place she loved being so much… That country far away, that she’d dreamed of so often…
Then her alarm clock buzzes for attention...
Then her alarm clock buzzes for attention...
100 days, 100 words {2}
* somewhere along the south coast of GB with an ice cream, or a coffee and a caramel slice
* on a mountain side in Scotland
* walking along Lake Washington with Eddie Vedder {ha! although Just Being There would be fine with me already…}
* in Antwerp, with my friend Mo, or another sweet, inspiring friend, while we eat yummy plum cake and talk about Life and Great Music
* twenty four years ago
* being my 17 year old self, daring to follow her heart and go to art school
Or: places I’d rather be today {yes, it’s one of those days, I’m afraid…}
* on a mountain side in Scotland
* walking along Lake Washington with Eddie Vedder {ha! although Just Being There would be fine with me already…}
* in Antwerp, with my friend Mo, or another sweet, inspiring friend, while we eat yummy plum cake and talk about Life and Great Music
* twenty four years ago
* being my 17 year old self, daring to follow her heart and go to art school
Or: places I’d rather be today {yes, it’s one of those days, I’m afraid…}
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