thrive & prosper

and, as i already suspected on Thursday, i'm going to abort the 30DaysWritingChallenge... too uninspiring {basically cos i've done it before...}, and as i said to Kati: i know... i know where my mental blocks are, i don't need them to be unearthed for the umpteenth time... i need to get on with my life, enjoy it, be happy and 

THRIVE!! 

this morning i watched a really inspiring interview with The Barefoot Doctor, a British guy who's studied Taoism and various other forms of spirituality, and a wonderful advocate for {self-}healing and one of my teachers in the art of Stopping Me From Taking Life {& Myself} So Bloody Seriously... he's funny and pertinent, and has a distant charm - a bit like the Dalai Lama, in some ways - and just when i think he's a little bit too Ibiza faux-hippy fashionable, he seems to be able to redeem himself and get me back on track...

anyway, what i wanted to say is that life's too short, and i need to have fun things happen in my life, stop feeling sorry for myself, and stop getting others to feel sorry for me... so what if it's raining? dance in the falling drops!! {and stop going on about pneumonia!!} things like challenges that aren't fun or making me think and don't feel essential shall be pt out with the rubbish... life's too short...

a fish needs a bicycle...

skipping today's... it's becoming repetitive and i feel i've moved on from a lot of the non-self-reliance i've found myself being stuck in for most of my life... of course there's always room for improvement, but one can have enough of a good thing...

instead i want to wrestle with the {very valid & interesting} question Kati put to me in one of her comments: why is there always a man in my Dreams Of The Future, why would a strong {hahahaha!!!} woman like me need a man?! my initial answer {"cos i don't want to end up alone..."} is true, cos it is one of the nightmares i have of the Future: to end up alone with three cats and a dog and no one to speak to for days on end, apart from the cats and dog... part of me likes to be alone, but not to be lonely...
but then: isn't Lonely also a state of mind? and how likely is it that i end up alone with 4 kids and my friends...? for now...

do i really need a man in my life? no... of course not... i can hang my own shelves, and install the tv & dvd player, and get the stereo connected and all those things that i'm supposed to have a bloke in my life for...  but it would be nice to have company though, to be able to have intelligent conversations, to have a man's rational point of view, to not be swept along by emotions and feelings all the time, like i can find myself doing... it would be nice... i like men, on the whole... not the proud, dull, predictable ones that i live amongst here, but strong, principled ones, that are also in touch with their feelings but still know how to be wise and sensible, and be innately confident about their self-worth, but not too much... who are modest and sweet, funny and artistic, serious and open-minded... a man who doesn't mind me resting my head on his shoulder, snuggle up against him on the sofa while i watch a silly film and he reads a book... who adores and respects me, in much the same way that i do him... {mainly cos i've not had one of those, the kind that likes to have me near him...}

maybe i´m too romantic and not at all realistic {but didn't one of the prompts pose that being too realistic kills all creativity?!} if i make this 'list'... but i don't really care...

i don't need a man in my life - i know my life will still be okay and i have within me all the resources i need to thrive and have a wonderful life, and i'm still getting over my relationship with Mr G, and i'm realistic {yuck!!} enough to know that stability is pretty important in the lives of my kids {and mine} for a while... but the Desire is still there...

chandler's crazy wit

lennon's strong mind, artistic eye, derisive humour

david crosby's crazy good looks
{and artistic talent...}

eddie vedder's everything...

stone gossard's calm disposition

to name but a few...

tomorrow's and saturday's challenges maybe on Sunday's blog... 

30 days writing {18} dreams

A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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My favorite quote of all time is Alan Kay: 

‘In order to predict the future, you have to invent it.’ 

I am all about inventing the future. Decide what you want the future to be 
and make it happen. Because you can. 

Write about your future now.

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a gusty wind blows against the window of my beach house, and makes it rattle. i look up from my laptop/easel/worktable* to see if the window will hold, and feel reassured that it does. i know i need to wrap up in a bit, cos my love will come back home with a takeaway {curry/fish&chips/Chinese}* forthwith and i'm actually feeling quite ravenous. he has taken a few hours off from the building he's designing, as he;s an architect on a deadline {he designed and helped build this house by the coast as well, has my love...**} and will be travelling back to London in a few days, so i will have the place to myself again, shared with Harvey the dog, and my two crazy black cats, and the kids, who have come over to stay with their batty mum for a bit, and i will have time to take them places, and they'll take Harvey out for long walks and i'll have time to write/paint/draw/sew*... 

in a few weeks time we'll go off on a trip to Scotland in our camper van to visit my bff S and then on to my Dutch friend Kati, while we wallow in the British countryside {which my Love is re-appreciating after years of living in Antwerp...}. though i sort of loath to leave Dorset/Cornwall/Devon* for too long stretches... 

life is pretty awesome... :-)

* delete as necessary 

** artistic licence... he could be anything really, as long as he's rich and wonderful and happy... {my current Fantasy is an architect, you see...}

have a cuppa... 

30 days writing {16} one thing {?!}

oh! hahahaha!!! turns out i skipped one...
here's No. 16...
{duh...}

Do your work, and I shall know you. Do your work, and you shall reinforce yourself. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Take a moment, step back from your concerns, and focus on one thing: You have one life to achieve everything you’ve ever wanted. Sounds simple, but when you really focus on it, let it seep into your consciousness, you realize you only have about 100 years to get every single thing you’ve ever wanted to do. No second chances. This is your only shot. Suddenly, this means you should have started yesterday. No more waiting for permission or resources to start. Today is the day you make the rest of your life happen. Write down one thing you’ve always wanted to do and how you will achieve that goal. Don’t be afraid to be very specific in how you’ll achieve it: once you start achieving, your goals will get bigger and your capability to meet them will grow.

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one thing i've always wanted to achieve....
jesus...
five years ago this would've been: to be able to live on my own {without going mental}. can get that ticked off my list...

i don't have One Goal... i have Loads... travelling to certain places in the world *.* getting mentally ready to have that book published *.* living in a little house on the prairie in the polder {or something like that} *.* finding the love of my life * .* feeling chilled *.* have a dog

what do i do to achieve them? dream about them, mainly... listening out for clues... visualise and write about it... it will happen... i'm sure!!

{kati scribbles as well...}

30 days writing {17} strange & new

When good is near you, when you have life in yourself, it is not by any known or accustomed way; you shall not discern the foot-prints of any other; you shall not see the face of man; you shall not hear any name;—— the way, the thought, the good, shall be wholly strange and new. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Can you remember a moment in your life when you had life in yourself and it was wholly strange and new? Can you remember the moment when you stopped walking a path of someone else, and started cutting your own?

Write about that moment. And if you haven’t experienced it yet, let the miracle play out in your mind’s eye and write about that moment in your future.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

this moment has happened a few time in my life. cos when you break free from an old pattern and create your own, then too you can get bogged down and feel a strong desire to break free from that one...

the first one i can remember was the time i went off to England. to be an au-pair with a wonderful family, and to do something that i had never done before, had no one to lean on for feedback or steering me into the 'right' direction, and it was both scary and totally wonderful!! i relied on myself, on my knowledge & feelings and it worked...

i guess i feel only now that i'm kind of back in the Self Reliance Mode, not having Mr G - whom i thought i needed in my life for so long - to hand... and it feels great... 

*.*.*.*.*.*.*

Kati writes here

30 days writing {15} alternative paths

When good is near you, when you have life in yourself, it is not by any known or accustomed way; you shall not discern the foot-prints of any other; you shall not see the face of man; you shall not hear any name; the way, the thought, the good, shall be wholly strange and new. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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The world buzzes about goals and visions. Focus. Create a vivid picture of exactly where you want to go. Dream big, then don’t let anything or anyone stop you. The problem, as Daniel Gilbert wrote in Stumbling Upon Happiness, is that we’re horrible at forecasting how we’ll really feel 10 or 20 years from now – once we've gotten what we dreamed of. Often, we get there only to say, “That’s not what I thought it would be,” and ask, “What now?” Ambition is good. Blind ambition is not. It blocks out not only distraction, but the many opportunities that might take you off course but that may also lead you in a new direction. Consistent daily action is only a virtue when bundled with a willingness to remain open to the unknown. In this exercise, look at your current quest and ask, “What alternative opportunities, interpretations and paths am I not seeing?” They’re always there, but you've got to choose to see them.

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okay... thanx for the advice...

{more of a case of 'unasked for advice' - is this guy Dutch?! - than a prompt...}

what alternatives am i overlooking on my path towards a house in the country? i don't know... i'll hear the prompts my inner voice/Angel/Guide whispers into my ear or makes clear by means of Feeling Strange or Strongly about certain avenues, i've learnt that being too deliberate often works the wrong way, for me anyway... i try to live my life without Certainties anyway, know that that doesn't really work... i never have a Plan, or a Route {unless other people rely on me being somewhere} cos that kills any creativity that might come up with a Great Solution {or just a Good one...}.

Kati's writings here

30 days writing {14} surprise yourself

I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Think of a time when you didn’t think you were capable of doing something, but then surprised yourself. How will you surprise yourself this week?

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i just reread what i wrote 4 years ago, and i stand by that still. many times i've surprised myself, by doing just that what i never thought i could, or dared, or was capable of... living in another country... singing in public, solo... giving birth without being medicated up to eyeballs... falling in love,  and being swept along with the whirlwind that is love... looking after a dog for two weeks... ending my relationship... 

and i'm sure more will follow, when things feel right... and there's no way of knowing when that is... i need to listen to my inner voice, and believe it to be true. only then... 

Kati's Scribbles here

30 days writing {13} does it matter?

These are the voices which we hear in solitude, but they grow faint and inaudible as we enter into the world. Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of every one of its members. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Is fear holding you back from living your fullest life and being truly self expressed? 

Put yourself in the shoes of the you who’s already lived your dream 

and write out the answers to the following:

Is the insecurity you’re defending worth the dream you’ll never realize? 

or the love you’ll never venture? or the joy you’ll never feel?

apparently is is, otherwise i'd have stripped it off by now, living the Full and Wonderful life of my dreams... but maybe this is the life of my dreams, for now, maybe this is all i can handle at the moment.. maybe Wonderful Things are waiting around the corner, in readiness for my readiness... i've discarded so many fears already, have let go of so many insecurities... i know the Fear of Rejection will always be a part-player, and the Fear of Not Finding Love is kind of innate, but i know i'll scale those mountains when my time is right...

Will the blunder matter in 10 years? Or 10 weeks? Or 10 days? Or 10 minutes?

no. of course not... 

Can you be happy being anything less than who you really are?

no, but even this, even the scared version of me is who i am. at times. not all the time, but chunks of them... and only i can decide when i'll be ready to let go...

Now Do. The Thing. You Fear.

stop telling me what to do!!

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read along with Kati here

30 days writing {12} never imitate

Imitation is Suicide. Insist on yourself; never imitate. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Write down in which areas of your life you have to overcome these suicidal tendencies of imitation, and how you can transform them into a newborn you – one that doesn’t hide its uniqueness, but thrives on it. There is a “divine idea which each of us represents” – which is yours?

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isn't everyone unique in their own ways? and aren't the things that i think are unique about me dormant in everyone? sure, i've had my own upbringing, that no one else has had {not even my brother} and a bunch of things have happened to me that haven't happened to anyone else, but really, does that make me different? i guess it does, and everyone else is as different as i am... 

people begin their lives as imitators, we are programmed that way... as babies we imitate our mothers, and our fathers, our siblings, family members, people at school - it's incredibly natural, otherwise we don't develop as the Social Beings that we are, to thrive and grow... but at some point on our road to adulthood we need to find out how we can carry on without the need to imitate... only: nobody told us what that point was.... nobody says: right, that's enough now; you need to figure out what it is that you want, or what you are... petrified of 'losing' us, we were told to carry on imitating, to carry on doing what everyone else is doing, only now it's called Being Conventional. Being Normal... anything that's not is seen as a threat... and we don't want to be a threat, to the cohesion of Society, so be buckle up and Behave Normal... 

some area's in which i'm at odds with peers/family/society:

* being quiet and contemplative {which was deemed very weird and suspicious}

* not going out every weekend - {in my teens. my friends did, but left me along after a while, cos i absolutely HATED it...}

* read difficult books {about stuff that nobody i knew had any interest in}

* listen to weird music 

* feeling a need to figure out {sexual} orientations {and still wondering about it...}

* not marry the boy next door {or even the next village. i went a bit further afield...}

* have more than two children

* live in another country {and try to understand the difference in culture}

* listening to my inner voice 

* not feeling i belonged in the country i was born in {at all...}

now all i need is to thrive... 

on my way...

30 days writing {11} message

To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, that is genius. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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What is burning deep inside of you? 

If you could spread your personal message RIGHT NOW to 1 million people, 

what would you say?

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

forgive yourself

{and everyone that's ever done you wrong...

they only ever hurt you 

from a place of fear {hurt/pain} themselves...

as you do yourself...}

♥

feel loved

know that you are totally and completely loved

as you always have done and always will be...

without having to perform a trick first, or earn it...

♥

be you

know and feel that your life is your life...

not anybody else's...

watch this vid, it might help... :-)

♥

kati scribbles here

30 days writing {10} fear eats the soul

The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

the only thing to fear is fear itself... ~someone, somewhere...

fear eats the soul ~someone else...

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Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” 

What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.

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for a long time this was: telling Mr G i thought we were over. turns out that wasn't so scary... it was a relief. making the steps to a life without him there on a daily basis wasn't so scary - things kept falling into place, 'magically'. don't get me wrong, there are days i wish someone would whisk me away and make sure i was safe and i wouldn't have to worry about a thing {many days actually} cos that's how i've been programmed, but on the whole it's all good...

what scares me at the moment? what am i afraid to do? i don't feel there's anything right now... might sound a little arrogant, but i think i've dealt with my biggest fear for the moment... although i think there's one, and i think it has a lot to do with why my relationship broke up in the first place... i think i'm shit-scared of being True to MySelf... really, totally, blindingly true... but even that doesn't really hold me back anymore. i know that Good things will come from listening to my inner voice, following it's lead, and that fear comes from that thing called Ego, the thing that has been leading me along for all these years, taking me by the had to make sure i was 'safe', that it's fear of death and the unknown were far more devastating than any change can ever be...

oh, another one just popped into my head. 

i think i'm also quite scared of being genuinely intimate with others. to  allow myself to be vulnerable, to be naked {not literally per se...} and risk ridicule or pain. not sure how to deal with that one {yeah, i know, go for it and all that...} - yet...

when the time is right... 

kati's things >here<

30 days writing {9} hindsight & future

There will be an agreement in whatever variety of actions, so they be each honest and natural in their hour. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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What would you say to the person you were five years ago? 

What will you say to the person you’ll be in five years?

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

dear me in 2010,

life at this time in your life is rather okay... fairly 'normal' and busy, with teenage kids, and a job and a pleasant love-life... if only you knew how enjoyable that really was. i know - hindsight is the best advisor, of course, and when you're busy living your life, you don't know what's coming... calm before the storm, as they say... enjoy it while it lasts!! :-)

dear me in 2020,

you probably look back on these days as exuberant times, when things were up in the air, unsure of what would be next. maybe things have settled down nicely, hopefully i have become more accepting of and loving towards myself, do i live my life in pleasant surroundings, can i snuggle up on the {battle scarred} sofa next to a sweet, kind, loving man, or have i started a new job, doing something that awakens my spirit, helps others in some way... who knows... 

read Kati's challenges here

30 days writing {8} be bold!

Our arts, our occupations, our marriages, our religion, we have not chosen, but society has chosen for us. We are parlour soldiers. We shun the rugged battle of fate, where strength is born. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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next to Resistance, rational thought is the artist or entrepreneurs worst enemy. Bad things happen when we employ rational thought, because rational thought comes from the ego. Instead, we want to work from the Self, that is, from instinct and intuition, from the unconscious.

A child has no trouble believing the unbelievable, nor does the genius or the madman. Its only you and I, with our big brains and our tiny hearts, who doubt and overthink and hesitate.” – Steven Pressfield, Do the Work

The idea of “being realistic” holds all of us back. From starting a business or quitting a job to dating someone who may not be our type or moving to a new place – getting “real” often means putting your dreams on hold.

Today, let’s take a step away from rational thought and dare to be bold. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to accomplish but have been afraid to pursue? Write it down. Also write down the obstacles in your way of reaching your goal. Finally, write down a tangible plan to overcome each obstacle.

The only thing left is to, you know, actually go make it happen. What are you waiting for?

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i remember liking this one quite a lot, as i have tremendous trouble Being Realistic in real life anyway, so this one seemed to be designed for me... :-)

the one thing i've always wanted to accomplish... well, there's a few things, actually. so let's start with the smallest, and work my way up...

get a manuscript sent in to a publishers 

{and really: get a book published}

it's something that i find excruciating and the mere thought fills me with fear and all that is awful... fear of rejection, i suppose... rejected by the very people who's approval i need. i've never let Mr G read any of my stuff, as i feared his rejection the most, but really, i can't think of anybody that i'd be happy to give my manuscript to... how do i get to the point where i think i'm Good Enough?! work to be done there...

the plan: look the Dragon right in the eyes, and wrestle it to the ground... or whatever...

travel on my own

get a camper van, load all my gear {and the dog} in it, trust the cats to be looked after, hug my kids, then my partner & set off into the sunset... and then, when i've been There, come back to the kids and the cats and my partner & my little house and write another book... 

obstacles: money for the van, and for petrol, and the house, to not need a steady job... i'm rubbish at planning things like that on my own, and prefer to travel with a companion {but then again, i also find companions very trying...}.

letting go of the notion to Be Realistic

and trust for things to find a way... 

obstacle: the way i've been raised, the perpetuation of the notion by the people around me/society... 

30 days writing {7} do more of

life is what happens when you're busy making other plans ~John Lennon

Life wastes itself while we are preparing to live. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

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If you had one week left to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now? 

In what areas of your life are you preparing to live? 

Take them off your To Do list and add them to a To Stop list. 

Resolve to only do what makes you come alive.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

{what's with all this 'You Only Have One Week/fifteen minutes/three years to live' malarkey?! as if the velocity of life is only clear with threats like that...}

if i had one week to live i'd be in a depression, i think, wondering what i could be doing to make that last week as useful and wonderful as possible, spend time with and say farewell to my dearest... 

but i guess that's not the purpose of this exercise... 

would i still be doing the inane stuff that makes up my days on this planet? i don't know... i'd be tempted to say i'd be doing far more interesting stuff, things that would fill my heart with joy and glee and happiness. would i go to work still? not sure... in a bit of a doubting Thomas kind of mood...

would i be living here? i'd prefer not to, but i know i'm a chicken and wouldn't give up my comfortable life in a warm house for a life in a small campervan, or a ramshackle cottage in the woods or by the seaside... in whatever country... not on my own... 

what makes me come alive then... let's go there for a bit...

* reading certain books {mostly about those who have lived lives i know i never will - devouring this one at the moment}

* listening to music

* being by the sea

* being still for amounts of time

* sitting with the cats {which can be enormously meditative}

* writing {letters, stories, bits & pieces}

* being in certain company {there are a few people who i can spend time with and feel delighted to be in their company, listening to who they are, sharing some of my foibles & notions}

* creating stuff {usually for someone or something - i'm not someone that makes stuff just for the hell of it... haven't got that inner drift, which has somehow nestle into my subconscious as being 'necessary' to be happy, or whatever...}

suppose it boils down to Communicating my inner voice and Receiving communications of others... now, let's meditate on that for while...

30 days writing {6} travel

if we truly live, we shall truly see - R.W. Emerson

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not everyone has a desire to travel the world, but everyone can think of a place they'd one day like to visit before they die. what is this place for you and what do you do to make this possible?

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

there are quite a few place on this earth that i would love to be able to go to, for one reason or another. for a long time it was England, and it's many different area's that had a strange pull on me {or rather: The British Isles, as would be better, cos it includes Wales and Scotland}. also Scandinavia still has a kind of pull, although that hasn't been very strong lately. and for some strange reason Germany calls me... but the strongest one in the last year or so has been North West America. No idea why {apart from the Pearl Jam/Nirvana/it seems like a wonderful place to be for a while connections that Seattle has} but whenever i see pictures of the beautiful parks and mountains in Washington State, or Canada, or Alaska, something inside of me starts yelling... maybe it's the vastness of the north American landscape, the ability it has to make you feel puny and insignificant... maybe i need that in my life, i don't know...

maybe i also want to know what it is that Eddie Vedder and Kurt Cobain and Neil Young {who's Canadian} and Joni Mitchell {also from Canada} and Crosby Stills and Nash and all those others that i admire, have in their core, the thing that makes them the way they are, cos they have lived in that country, the place that i think i understand, but have not really felt {in the three days that i was in Wisconsin i didn't experience that much, mainly airports and a tiny shopping mall, and i don't think that Madison counts...}.

having lived in England made me sort of get the British bands that i love to listen to - i get what Arctic Monkeys are singing about, i think, to a certain level, and i see where the Beatles and The Stones, The Jam and The Clash and The Smiths got their inspiration from, i get what makes British Arts the way it is... the diversity, the status-clashes, the class-divisions, the history... it makes sense... and i guess i'd like to now what Being In America does to a person...

having Not Lived In Holland for some years has made it hard for me to live here, i guess... but since i had the pull to leave since way before i ever set foot in England, maybe it's an innate escape mechanism at work...  who knows...

what do i do to make it possible? dream about it... cos you have to start somewhere, and all else will fall into place...

canada

cumbria, UK

Glenfinnan, Scotland

een meer in Washington State, USA

New England, USA

30 days writing {5} post it

that what any man can do well, he learnt from no other than the almighty {cosmos}. where is the master that taught Shakespeare? who had taught Franklin, or Newton, or Bacon? You will never write like Shakespeare by studying Shakespeare. do what you are supposed to do, and do not ask or hope for too much... ~R.W. Emerson

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

determine what is your biggest challenge at this moment, form it into a question, 

write this on a piece of paper and hang it where you can see it. 

after 48 hours you start writing down the answers that come on your path, 

and evaluate them.

post your question on your blog {optional}

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how can i know a way to live the life i enjoy and make more than enough money to live on and travel with? oh, and that life-companion* would be awesome... 

*{the Universe knows what i mean...}

also cast your eyes on Kati's blog

30 day writings {4} i believe

“It is easy to live within the world after it's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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The world is driven by passionate spirits, powerful ideas, and fearless actions. 

What is a strong belief that you possess what is not shared by friends and family? 

What inspires your faith, and what have you done to actively respond to it?

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

there are quite a few, i feel, cos there are times that i feel i've been dropped into the 'wrong' family {and i know that in The Universe there is no right or wrong to start with, only Lessons...}. the biggest one for me was the one that got the most resistance back in the days, and that is: Love Is Everywhere... 

love was seen as a luxury commodity, something that only the lucky few were going to have, and anyway: what's love got to do with it? who needs a heart when a heart can be broken... {yes, i know Tina Turner wrote that, but it might as well have been my mum for all i knew... as could Mr G, for that matter...}

i remember writing it on my pen bag {as one was wont to do in those days, i'm talking 1986 now...}, that I Love Everybody!! and my mother saw it and went white around the gills... You better watch out, was her reaction... people might take that the wrong way {and abuse your good nature, which she didn't actually say, but i'm sure she meant}... which i suppose got me an insight in what she must've gone through during her childhood. if love is to be mistrusted, or in this case: misinterpreted for Power, then yes, by all means, don't share it around like you would sweeties... but i wasn't raised like she was... i was raised by loving, though very anxious and often scared, people who wanted the best for me, who hoped for a great life for me and my brother, who wished that my life was void of drama and i'd get chances that they never had... and i did, and for that I will always be grateful...

another one: i don't have to be stuck in a life i don't enjoy... i have the power to change things... {we all do, of course...}. this was actually something i noticed in my late teens, when things that i 'asked' for kept happening... my life seemed easy, somehow, but a kind of mistrust took over and i stopped believing in my 'magical powers', and now i'm having to devour books and vids to get my mojo back... very annoying, and it would be great if i could just feel the same kind of 'trust' in the Universe as i did back in 1989... maybe i can... maybe i'm just overcomplicating stuff... 

so there we go... Love is everywhere, and i don't have to be stuck... wake up and smell the roses, woman... 

also read along with Kati

30 day writings {3} one line

your genuine actions will explain themselves, as will your reactions to the genuine actions of others. your conformism will explain nothing. the force of character is accumulative ~ R.W. Emerson 

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if "the voyage of the best ship is a criss cross line of a hundred points" 

then it is more sincere to be present today than it is to be stuck in many yesterdays. 

how would you describe today, using only one sentence?

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{as much i as would love to say that this thing makes sense, i can't... i will however attempt to write something...}

today is another attempt at trying to live by my truth; to feel my boundaries and not let them be crossed by those i do not want in my {emotional} vicinity; to comfort and help my {beautiful} inner child; to move forward from what i thought i should've been, even i, even after all these years; to find out what it is i really REALLY want, where i really want to be, who i want to be with, and revel in life's magnificent offerings!!! 

to see how Kati gets on, read her blog

30 days writing {2} fifteen minutes

We are afraid of truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other. Our age yields no great and perfect persons. —Ralph Waldo Emerson

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You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live.

1. Set a timer for fifteen minutes.

2. Write the story that has to be written.

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{i remember thinking this was pretty daft the first time around: as if i'd be writing stuff down if I only had 15... but for the sake of this exercise, her goes:}

there once was a woman who lived in Holland, even though she really really wanted to live somewhere else... England to be precise, but she accepted that her lack of self-worth made her live in a place that she loathed, and The Universe was waiting for her to give the right signals so it could make her go back there... 

i digress...

this woman who lived in Holland had 4 kids, and two cats and was fairly happy with her life. fairly, cos she felt there were a few bits missing, only she had no idea how to Magic them into her life, like she was taught by so many books and youtube-clips... it just wasn't happening... so she was leading a life of half-happy, of almost there... would it ever really be possible? was she just too wrapped up in thoughts about Not Enough and If Only's...

forgetting that at least she wasn't living in Nepal, or Syria, or Afghanistan, where she had nothing to want but to not be killed by idiots... just because she was a woman.. or that she lived in these times, where she wasn't ruled by a church or some blithering idiot bastard who...

hmm... bit negative all this...

there once was a lovely woman who lived in a beautiful little house in the country {England!!!!}, where she was surrounded by Nature, and her two cats leapt around in the high grass and she drank coffee in her beautiful, flower-filled garden, listening to her kids playing badminton and crazy cricket in the background, and the man of he dreams {who looked rather like Eddie Vedder and Alan Rickman and David Crosby {?!} put together and made her extortionately happy} walked up to her to kiss her on the cheek and ask what she wanted for lunch and Gary the Golden retriever wandered along to drop a ball by her feet cos he wanted to play... the woman had just finished another chapter of the book she was writing, her third, after having published two that were pretty successful, and knew she would be writing some more later, but first there was lunch with her wonderful partner, and then they were going to make the camper van ready for the trip up to Edinburgh the had been planning for months now, visiting a few nice places along the way....

time's up...

  

Kati is also doing the challenge

30 day writings {1} writers

another challenge piled on top of the other one: Kati and I will re-do a version of the Emerson Writing challenge, which we did about 4 years ago. see what's changed. see what's exactly the same. interesting, i hope. we hope...

so here goes:

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Which book has inspired you the most and why? Why did you think one day: that's what I want to do, to write. Do you have a book of which you think: I wish I could do that too, inspire people, that man or woman has brought me so much joy reading. 

I would so much want to be able to do that as well; publish a book. 

How do you think you can accomplish that?

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hm... interesting one to start with straight away. there isn't one book, not even one writer that got me to write, but i guess there was a time in my life when it dawned on me that i don't need to be the next Big Name, or have studied Literature, or have a degree in anything to allow myself to Write... i have a degree in Being Me, and if the urge to write takes me then i'll write. for far too long i've allowed myself to be swayed or convinced that the standard some men have set {and still seem to do} is what any writer should aspire to be. 

when the kids were small, and i had time to read again, i discovered some female writers in the English Language section of my local library. not the chick-lit, but women who've lived. my dear friend in England had given me a copy of a book she thought i might like and i was hooked. Margaret Forster turned out to write in a very inspiring way, and engaging, and i carried on finding another 5 of her novels, which all gripped me. then i discovered another few women who seemed to be more like the woman i was - unglamorous, curious, slightly mocking of Normal Life, in need of love and Adventure... 

those women, their styles of writing, their funny, 'easy' way with words, planted a seed in me, and i tried my hand at writing my own things. and i discovered that i love it!! :-) whether it's good enough for publishing is a different matter all together... we shall see about that!!

a writing room i'd not turn my nose up to

read along with Kati's challenge as well

100 days, 100 words {25}

the other day it dawned on me that {i too} have been trying my level best to be a Square Peg in the Round Hole that is Expectation… and as I had no idea how to be a Round Peg, I’ve been so busy trying to cram myself into that hole, completely closing my eyes to the fact that I am not, and never will be, a Round Peg…

I’m a Square Peg. which is fine… I have my own qualities, and those who can’t deal with that can go %$#@ themselves…

I’m a beautiful, great, loving, creative, dreamy Square…

100 days, 100 words {24}

with my blogger-friend Kati i will take up a 30-day writing-challenge, as we both fancied doing something to wake our Selves up a little, to answer difficult questions, to Figure Stuff Out... we both did one a few years back, inspired by Waldo Emerson {American thinker from around 200 years ago}, a tool in one’s voyage of Self-discovery, and even more important: self-reliance… 

and because we can’t come up with anything ourselves, we thought it might be nice to re-take the challenge from 2011, seen as Stuff has happened in our lives since then…

here goes nothing {as from Monday}…

100 words, 100 days {#20, 21 & 22}

{one way to get through this challenge!! J }

yesterday my friend Mo and Pops and myself went to Antwerp. this is my to-go-to-place, just over the border into Belgium, to get away from Too Much Dutch… Antwerp is cosmopolitan, arty, crazy, very old-fashioned, dirty, unpredictable, colourful, shallow – a bit like myself, really {*on the floor laughing…*} and every so many months I need a bit of it, to get Holland and it’s dull predictability out of my system… clarity and efficiency is fine, but not for too long… not for me, anyway…

so off we went, in Mo’s car, and got stuck in a traffic jam, just before we turned off for the city, which we reached after what felt like forever, but there was plenty to talk about since the last time we nattered, so it never felt like forever…

once there we walked, and talked and saw and smiled and questioned and giggled, and flirted and dressed up, and wondered and laughed loudly, and ate and drank and wondered some more… we enjoyed the arts that we saw in the street, in shop windows, in tiny galleries, in unusual spaces, and talked to total strangers, were amazed by the beauty we saw in unexpected corners, the expressions of somebody’s thoughts, somebody’s creativity, chiselled out of stone, carved out of wood, made from plaster or plastic… we discussed our notions, informed what we knew, and ate the most wonderful cheesecake while drying out from the deluge we managed to {narrowly} escape from, hiding underneath the awning of a small restaurant.

Back home we were tired and ate omelette, and watched tv, looked at the photo’s we’d made to remember a lovely day out in a blustery city near the Schelde… I am so grateful for days like these…

100 words, 100 days {#17, 18 & 19}

{this will probably count as cheating, if i was going to read the rules, but I’m in this world to make up my own rules – in these kinds of things – so it’s okay… cos I say so…}

It’s a full moon tonight, which always makes me feel kind of funny, like the Witch inside of me wants to break out and fly around on her broom, cast spells on the people I have an issue with {so it’s probably good that I haven’t mastered that one as yet…} and stuff like that…

I’ve always had a Thing for the Moon… I love the Moon, its power and its differing shapes, its part in stories and fairy tales. It still looms large in my life, as each time there is a full moon, I tend to have rubbish sleeps, if I sleep at all…

Of course, the Moon has many connections to older beliefs, Paganism for instance, to rituals and the way we live, still, and there are days that I remember what it is, that I ought to be doing something with my gemstones for instance {put them in the light of the moon, or not…}, but most of the time I just forget, I sit and watch that huge round orb-thing in the sky and wonder about the world, and myself and if I will ever get to grips with my intuitive side or whatever…

As I will tonight, when sleep won’t come and something to do with its pull will keep me awake, and I will be a basket case tomorrow… {luckily most customers in the wholefood shop where I work are familiar with the funny things the moon can do… maybe one of them can explain to me what it is I ought to be doing…}