time out

for the first time since we moved to Breda, we've left the city behind us for a few days and trekked - by  car - to the east of Holland. at first i had thought about going to Germany, as i miss the hills and the Otherness, but i couldn't make much sense of how welcome we'd be, so i plumbed for here... plenty to discover in the country i was born in, so much i don't know yet, so we scoured Airbnb for Anywhere Near Zwolle, and found an old bread baking house {as most farms had, back in the days when making bread yourself was a necessity} that's been converted into a sweet home, set on the edge of a lovely garden. 

we're in the midst of Hanseatic towns {more can be read about this here} which carry a long history, with many of the towns and cities still bearing plenty of proof of its long and rich past, as well as some of the few National Parks that are still to be found in this country - the Veluwe is on our doorstep. we have rich pickings for days out, so -rain withstanding - we should be good for the next 4 days!

first impressions of where we are - inspiring for a lot of reasons

the road of unease

i won't take the easy road

a line from the song Silver Lining, by First Aid Kit {at first i thought that Easy Road was the title...} which i've liked for a few years {apparently it was used in a car advert...} and it keeps coming back into my mind every now and then. 

take the road of least resistance, say Abraham {through Esther Hicks}. take the Easy Road... yeah, okay, but how does that work, when your sheer existence seems to bring up the resistance you're supposed to ignore, or release...? 

my friend Mo and i used to have this running line that we wished we were more like our class mates, and just go through life without all the questions and the dreams and the wonder... that we would just be simple like them, and want the easy Life, with the husband and 2 kids, and the house and the 1 holiday a year and a new car every few years, and Do What's Expected... how easy would that be?! but - as i said to my daughter when she asked how my life at school was - we had no idea how to fit in. i personally always felt like an alien, plonked into a Normal village, into a Normal Family, but they forgot to give me the rulebook... i never knew how to be like the rest of my class. they knew the rules, i was oblivious... 

it still feels like i'm living without a rulebook. i try to do Normal sometimes, but it feels like i'm playing pretend. i look at what other people do, and i copy them and hope they won't notice... maybe i just needed parents with a stronger sense of self, who could have guided me through life better when i was young, who knows... maybe that's why i was drawn to my ex, a very strong-willed, confident person who had little truck with my timid, quiet, insecure side often... 

i feel confident in myself now, after years of doubt and wonder and uncertainty about my worth in this world. there is a place, and to get there i had to take the road of unease. would i have wanted it any other way? don't think so... it was my road, and it took me to some very interesting places, both inside myself and in the world. i wish i had listened to my inner voice more often, and had less fear, but it was what it was... and it will be what it will - wherever i'm going next...

i will take the nicest looking road... 

monday morning

from where they sat, they had a good view of the trees outside, the darkened sky, clouds that were filled to bursting with rain, and their mood was a similar grey one. they had been hopeful, and opened the door to the outside, letting the wind inside. for the first time this spring, the wind was not cold, but a pleasant and mild breeze, making it enough to only wear a shirt, and not the cardigan that had been necessary up until only yesterday. 

spring had been such a long time coming, and they were more than ready to explore the world around them again, going for long rides on their bike, bringing a picnic, seeing the way nature jollied up the world once again. they preferred winter for some reasons - it fitted their nature more to be indoors, to be by themself, reading their book, writing their stories, drinking their coffee. the Great Indoors had its merits, but even someone like them (an introspective homebird) had a liking for the soft beginnings of summer. spring was different. spring reminded them of the way their life changed so intensely, so many years ago, in that other country. spring was a reminder of life's versatility, and how Dreams can come True.

birds sang their songs or chirped simply, leaves rustled in the wind, the dark sky had made room for lighter clouds. the sun even looked like it might pop through. they took another sip from their coffee and watched in peaceful joy. nothing was needed this Monday morning. only this.

idealisms

whenever i write stories, they tend to revolve around relationships of sorts. notions on spirituality come into it, and plays on conventional assumptions, things and concepts i wrestle with within myself, but almost always in settings of relationships between two people. romantic relationships at that. i'm a sucker for romance - always have been... 

yet, i'm not in a relationship {unless you count the parental ones with my kids, or the working ones with my colleagues, or the few friends i have} and i can't see myself being in one any time soon either. i had three stabs at Romantic Relationships, one very short, the second mostly long-distance but quite intense, and the third lasting for almost twenty years. i dream about Something Special with certain people, fearing that what i search for is unattainable, knowing weirder things have happened, holding out for the Universe to deliver - who knows...

as i was growing up, it dawned on me that Finding Someone To Spend Your Life With was considered one of the more important things in life, more important even than Finding A Job That You Loved, or Living In A Nice Environment. it was the eighties in Holland, and  not many people i knew Traveled {like all my kids seem to find normal now} or Lived On Their Own, or aspired to find a Spiritual side to their nature. i lived in a village, had parents who were content with Normal Lives, and wanted that for their kids as well. {saying that: my dad didn't, not always... he wanted to see more of Europe, to not be a dad, do things that weren't expected of him, but back when he was young, this was only possible for the higher classes, not the well-to-do working class family he came from...} my friends all seemed to want to Settle Down... any notions i had of wanting to see more of the world, fancying both men and women, not wishing to be a mum any time soon, living on my own, were met with worry, and overruled by the fear my mum had of me being Left On The Self... genuine concerns she had, unable to see me carving out a life for myself, on my terms, settled into my subconcience, and it had taken me many years to have them disappear... 

true, hormones and a need within myself to be loved & wanted did most of the work, so i found The Relationship, had The Kids {genuinely the best thing that has happened to me}, Settled Down and was Happy. for a while. 

i thought i had the ideal relationship. for a while i was convinced that the man i shared my life with understood me, and i got him, the way nobody else seemed to get us. we had quirks that the other thought was interesting, or just fine, we seemed each other's soul mates. ultimately we wanted different things from life, and the quirks we once liked in each other were used as a stick to beat each other with... maybe that's how it works in life - in order to make sense of something that you thought you understood for many years, you have to destruct it and look at it from a cold distance. or it's a way to stop it having a hold of your heart any longer. whatever the reason, we are no longer soulmates, and are now barely friends - for the kids mainly... 

the Ideal Relationship probably doesn't exist, or maybe just for chunks of ones life, whatever the other or we ourselves need 'help' with, and when the Lesson is learnt, we let that person go, or they let us go, and life puts other people on our paths. the characters in my stories have that happen, and they accept the possibility of Working With What Is. there is no Ideal. there is just Now... 

hunting for chateaus

in the past year, tv has fast become a no-go area for me {apart from the few programs that are still bearable, despite the daft rules}, but i still like to watch stuff that doesn't require much in the way of mental exertion, so what better than to ogle some of the many, many Doing Up Our House channels on youtube... there's tonnes to chose from, and here's a few of my personal favourites:

* How To Renovate A Chateau {Without Killing Your Partner} [<-- click on link] - a cute, young-ish duo consisting of a slightly pushy British woman {fashion & textile designer/mum/project manager} and her French filmmaker hubby/dad/DIY dude. together they bought a run-down chateau in Normandy, France, where they live with their two small daughters, and take us along their journey as they improve and repair, struggle and tackle, all in a gentle, silly and very stylish way. i'm falling madly for the lovely husband, Philip, who's revealing a daft, dry and joyful sense of humour, and has me in giggles often, as he takes the mickey out of his wife Anna's English-ness, and is winning me over with his cute French accent {yes, me, who never liked that very much at all.... what is happening?!!}, and even his French speaking, which he does with his carpenter buddy Benoit. apparently one can rent a room in this chateau, as it's run as a B&B. wonder how much it costs.... {their website [<-- click] = tres charmant, but i need to save up a little longer, i guess}

* The second Empire Strikes Back [<-- link] - a guy in St. Louis, US, is busy painstakingly restoring the Victorian house that once belonged to a man who owned a company that produced woodworking machinery there, but was sadly left to become quite run down. he's putting in the hours that he and his girlfriend can, and wishes to be as period-honest as he can be, with today's tools and finishings. interesting to watch, as he puzzles things together, finds rusty or chipped cabinets to be honed back down to it's former glory, strips years of paint off door frames, and finds beautiful fire surrounds or carvings... it will be so incredibly satisfying to watch it once it's done, but that might be years from now...

* Kaylah Stroup [<-- link], renovating Stroup Mansion {as she's called it}. a young woman and her husband bought an older {apparently going cheap} mansion with some land in someplace in Ohio, US, and they're doing it up in a fairly modern style, to her liking rather than restoring it to it's older self. interesting, pretty and has a healthy disregard for some of the historical features, which get painted over or ripped out if in the way. bit annoying to have to wade through the product placements, but a girl's gotta eat, i suppose... 

* Doing It Ourselves - a very cute young English chap shows us the things that his brother and sister-in-law are doing to the chateau in France {as well!??}, with Patreon funds and other avenues. tres pretty, as is the host, but i've not watched many episodes yet, as i've only just plumbed or this channel this afternoon... it is making France look very inviting, though... 

{edit: some more...}

* The Chateau Diaries - what i once thought was a bit of a snooty madam, who the guy from the vlog above was always raving on about, turned out to be a lovely, heartful, generous, funny, sweet and multi-talented madam, once i started watching her vlog. set in a beautiful single room wide castle in a beautiful area north east of Limoges, where she has a coming and going of work-aways, family and friends, and life seems so nice out there!!

* Ravenbrook Farmstead - set somewhere in Maine, US, this couple get stuck into the old farmhouse that they bought and are doing up, while they get to grips with micro-agriculture and chickens. 

* Ariel Bisset - basically a channel for her book-loving, aspiring writings, and occasional doing-up of her 1850's house in a part of Canada {forgot to remember it's location...}. she's a very bubbly character, with a catching vibe, which can sometimes get a bit annoying, but on the whole she's okay

i'll probably find another few soon, as youtube is chucking every available chateau-renovation/Victorian house-in-Ohio restoring/doing-up-our-derelict-mansion-in-Wales program under the sun my way, obviously... 

neighbourhood watching

from their balcony they can see into the gardens of about 8 houses. it's quite a diverse area, here, though mostly the houses are private and well kempt, and it's quiet here too, with the motorway 1 kilometer away and audible, as a constant low hum in the background. their view overall is trees, huge ones, making it almost look like they live in the country...

just now they hung out a load of washing on the over-the-door rack and the standing one, as it's a lovely, sunny day, and glanced at the gardens in their view. the nearest is right underneath, at the back of the building, stretching along the ground floor apartment, and it's huge. the people living there have a boy with autism and he loves using his trampoline, and the waterway toy that's similar to the one their kids once also had... the mum is less-abled and loves to potter around, tinkering with the many potted plants she grows there, which in the summer looked beautiful... 

next up there's a garden which they have so far never seen anybody sit in, although it's very pretty and well maintained. there's a gazebo which had the roof replaced last summer by a very attractive carpenter {yay for that view...} and there's some mature trees that attract birds and butterflies, and shrubs that give lovely colour and flowers. the next garden is much better used - the people there enjoy entertaining, and have done this throughout last summer. this garden is more sparse, mostly filled with garden furniture rather than plants, and it's funny to hear them chat away {an older couple who look like they might be actively involved in the village - my assumption this} about stuff {they can't actually hear what is said, there might be bickering going on about each other or their kids, who knows?!}.

then there's the Young Couple With 2 Kids, who look like they're professional, and they have a lovely ginger retriever that bundles about in the small space they have left after creating an extension. she likes to sit on the functional bench that doubles as a storage area, looking at her phone while the toddler plays and jabbers away at her mum. husband is rarely there, and when he is, he chats on his phone, pacing and gesticulating... their neighbours are about to move, and the people next to them have last week added an Outdoor Entertaining Shed, which looks very new and very flashy. they expect there will be many a bbq held this summer... 

the other gardens are less visible, only the trees that poke out give them a glimpse into the lives lived. right across from the older couple is an extended Moroccan family, with grandparents, a younger couple and a few kids. there's also, on the paved space, about 58 potted plants, with peppers and other vegetables, bearing colourful fruits as the summer wears on. for now they've been stacked into a corner, awaiting warmer temperatures. they're also eagerly awaiting the return of the tropical paddling pool that was there, tempting in the sweltering heat of last year. the little kids playing sounds delightful...

so, on this lovely warm spring day, as they fuss about the right way for the clothes to catch the sun best, and the plants try their best to come back to life, life is pretty nice here...

illusions

one thing my friend Mo has a huge advantage on, is the time she puts into figuring out stuff and applying the things she finds along the way into her reality. {well, i probably have that time as well, i just chose to spend it differently...} and one of the things she has figured out ages ago, is something that has taken up until last week for me to click. finally. 

"One of the most important principles we teach in this work is how to create from the field instead of from matter. Think of the quantum field as an invisible field of frequency/energy that connects everything physical and material. It is this field of pure energy, which exists beyond our senses, that gives form to this 3D reality."

for years she's been trying to 'convince' me that the reality we live in isn't real. it's an illusion. it is whatever we believe it is... now, part of me understands this - i feel that i live in a different reality than my next door neighbour, who's a Jesus-obsessed, fearful woman, or my colleague T, who feels the work we do in the shop is pointless, since other supermarkets sell stuff much cheaper, and is now moving one to pastures new.

"We all possess a physical body in a physical universe that is made up of people, objects, and things. Because all of these things appear to occupy a particular space at a particular time, our senses fool us into the illusion of separation."

i can see that the notion that we all believe what we need to believe to live our lives the way we think we should in order to be happy - through centuries of conditioning - is true. i've seen it happen in front of me, that someone stops believing something and their lives literally change... it happens to me on a daily basis, that i catch myself thinking something, and it makes me feel bad, and then i let that thought go, and i feel okay and at peace again... did something in my Outer World change? no... my thoughts changed, where i focussed my energies.

"Since where we place our attention is where we place our energy, then in order for us to create from the field instead of from matter, we have to abandon—and thus remove—all of our attention from everything known that we associate with, in this physical world of matter, in space and time."

we all want to be happy. above all else. we want to have an easy life. we all have different ways to achieve this happiness. for some it's having a nice house, for others it's having tonnes of friends and fun experiences, for others still it's knowing that there's a holiday in the planning, or even that there is noting coming up in the break they have from work. or that their pensions are safe. or that their kids are okay. or that science has their backs. all of these things are outside of our control... 

"If you're no longer paying attention to anything in this 3D reality, it makes sense then that it no longer exists for you. This is exactly what is required to pass through the door to enter the quantum field—and that requires us to become no body, no one, no thing, no where, in no time."

the quote in between my text is from Dr. Joe Dispenza, a teacher/helper/researcher of the new spiritual development world, who tends to base his shared knowledge on scientific research, and it illustrates perfectly what my friend Mo has been trying to get across to me for years. we are nothing but Energy. you are, i am, my cats are, my kids are, my car is, my house is, money is, the trees in the woods where i feel happy are... 

this requires some serious letting go of notions. as Dispenza describes, it takes letting go of the attachment to Reality as we're told to believe it to be. an attachment to Reality as we're constantly reinforced to Believe Is Real, and anyone who thinks about this differently is {at the very least} a bit weird... and because we don't want to be excluded from Society, we need to shun anybody who thinks like that. we need to shun, ridicule, ostracize, distance ourselves from anyone who questions the way we see Reality. 

or not...

one of the fun things about Law of Attraction is that as soon as you let go of one way of believing, you will attract other people into your life - people who also have no truck with 'Reality' as we're forced to believe it to be... as one set of people falls away {cos they don't fit your life anymore, or you theirs} another set appears... and for a while it can feel quite nice to travel alone, not get distracted by the voices of those who doubt you, who doubt otherness. there's enough turmoil going on inside without the added distraction of outsiders doubt... {and the outside world is just a projection of your inner self, but that's another post all together...}

balcony bliss

this year is the first time i see the plants in the pots on my balcony awaken into spring. 

last year there weren't any, as i hadn't really gotten the place ready yet, and only after the boys made it cat-safe in April had i put thought into what could grow here, what would look pretty, and what could be eaten. i had sown seeds for tomatoes {hopeful...} and Zinnia, and a few pumpkins went into a pot, just to see what would happen and get some green going. i also found a Japanese maple that could work in a pot, and some Hydrangeas {hortensias in Dutch} and a ridiculously expensive small bamboo plant, and loads of different Fuchsias, as well as Geraniums passed on by my mum. 

by mid-summer it was looking glorious!! even the heatwave did it's worst without much in the way of casualties. well, one Fuchsia wasn't too happy and almost died, but that was really it. i was delighted... slightly disappointed by the yield of my tomato plant {three...}, and in giggles over the produce of the pumpkin - one whole tiny weenie one, the size of a cherry... i also tried my hand at Rucola {was okay} and Coriander {meh}, so i guess i'm having to rethink my edibles. 

but the first inklings of a whole new life-cycle is already making itself known. my Hydrangeas are sprouting leaves, the maple is awakening, as is the small beech tree, and the bamboo is having tonnes of new shoots!! some plants that i hadn't cleared up yet {i'm a very lazy gardener} are showing signs of life {yay!!} and my hands are getting quite itchy. 

i'll be looking into herbs to grow, soon, and some things i can eat, so ideas are very welcome!! 

meanwhile, this is last year's heaven:

on dreams and ponder

since i want to move away from labels - and both 'Bohemian' and 'Buddhist' are that - about my identity, i decided to change the name, and url, of this blog. i dream and i ponder, on life and all it's weird, amazing facets. 

i'm neither a Buddhist, nor am i very Bohemian. i try to be the latter, and i feel i achieve this by being Me as much as i can. for me that entails having my own style, my own values, my own belief system {based in a spiritual, love-steeped, Universe-inspired way of thinking} that seems to clash wildly with how society wants people to be. and that's fine. i just don't really want to be part of it, any more than i have to... 

this past year has shown me how far removed i feel from 'Society' and how i wish to be part of a community of people who live in love and abundance and joy, and leave my fear-based thinking behind, however hard that is at times... 

so i dream of the life i want, and i ponder on the obstacles on my path, then let them go... life's too short for labels

shopping list

wishlist  shopping list for the Universe:

i am happy and grateful, now that i

own a red campervan
♥    

have unlimited funds

(as money flows to me easily and effortlessly)
♥
know a few lovely friends
♥

have plentiful visits to Sweden, Norway, 

Germany, Finland...
♥
speak German fluently
and Spanish well enough
♥
can play the ukelele
♥
live nearer the woods
♥
have a dog
♥
know how to do woodwork
♥
am healthy and so are my kids
♥

fanfared

as always, i'm pretty late to the party, when it comes to certain music, especially Balkan brass band folk... well, mostly i'm not even at the party, i liked Beirut a lot in the mid-2000's and that was the extent of my knowledge with regards to eastern European/Balkan folk music. and boy did i miss out on a lot!

thanks to the French radio station that i can receive with my tv/internet/phone subscription {FiP, in case you're interested, they can be found on internet as a plug-in thingy as well} which plays just about anything from Radiohead and Led Zeppelin to Classical music and light jazz, via hiphop and R&B, with detours to one-hit wonders, big-band and folk, with no real indication of what will follow, and that usually suits me nicely, i'm introduced to all kinds of brilliant. one of them was this song, by the Fanfare Ciocãrlia, which had me grab my phone to Shazam it immediately. the result took me to their page on Spotify, and there i learnt that they are a 12-piece band, based in Romania and have been around since my second son was born - 1996... well, actually they've been around for many more years, but they were 'discovered' by a German sound engineer then, who was very impressed by their energy and unique take on the music they grew up around, got them to apply for passports and booked a tour though Europe, and the rest was history.

apparently they were loved by the dance/rave scene in the early 2000's, something that i'm finding hard to get, on one hand, but on the other, their high energy, happy music would appeal to a crowd that's into dance and are typically interested in exploring different, new sounds. their music was also used in one of the Borat films {...}

when The Great Pottery Throw Down {a 'lose one contestant every week' style program based around pottery} was still shown on the BBC, i loved the music used, which was a mixture of 60's brit-rock {The Who, Small Faces, the Kinks} and some brass band, and to me it added to the delight that this program was {it's still on, just on a channel that i sadly can't watch}. as opposed to any other contestant show, it will regularly make me feel exuberant with joy and completely inspired to take up pottery again.... there's obviously a huge difference between brass bands from the Balkan and Yorkshire, but the feeling it evokes is oddly similar. the film Brassed Off {underrated, with a glaring cast, like Ewan McGregor and that bloke that went on to play a butler in Downton Abbey}, from 1996, shows how evocative the music can be - either raising spirits or emphasizing depth. 

so, another treasure to unwrap for me... and see if i can find that film somewhere...