illusions

one thing my friend Mo has a huge advantage on, is the time she puts into figuring out stuff and applying the things she finds along the way into her reality. {well, i probably have that time as well, i just chose to spend it differently...} and one of the things she has figured out ages ago, is something that has taken up until last week for me to click. finally. 

"One of the most important principles we teach in this work is how to create from the field instead of from matter. Think of the quantum field as an invisible field of frequency/energy that connects everything physical and material. It is this field of pure energy, which exists beyond our senses, that gives form to this 3D reality."

for years she's been trying to 'convince' me that the reality we live in isn't real. it's an illusion. it is whatever we believe it is... now, part of me understands this - i feel that i live in a different reality than my next door neighbour, who's a Jesus-obsessed, fearful woman, or my colleague T, who feels the work we do in the shop is pointless, since other supermarkets sell stuff much cheaper, and is now moving one to pastures new.

"We all possess a physical body in a physical universe that is made up of people, objects, and things. Because all of these things appear to occupy a particular space at a particular time, our senses fool us into the illusion of separation."

i can see that the notion that we all believe what we need to believe to live our lives the way we think we should in order to be happy - through centuries of conditioning - is true. i've seen it happen in front of me, that someone stops believing something and their lives literally change... it happens to me on a daily basis, that i catch myself thinking something, and it makes me feel bad, and then i let that thought go, and i feel okay and at peace again... did something in my Outer World change? no... my thoughts changed, where i focussed my energies.

"Since where we place our attention is where we place our energy, then in order for us to create from the field instead of from matter, we have to abandon—and thus remove—all of our attention from everything known that we associate with, in this physical world of matter, in space and time."

we all want to be happy. above all else. we want to have an easy life. we all have different ways to achieve this happiness. for some it's having a nice house, for others it's having tonnes of friends and fun experiences, for others still it's knowing that there's a holiday in the planning, or even that there is noting coming up in the break they have from work. or that their pensions are safe. or that their kids are okay. or that science has their backs. all of these things are outside of our control... 

"If you're no longer paying attention to anything in this 3D reality, it makes sense then that it no longer exists for you. This is exactly what is required to pass through the door to enter the quantum field—and that requires us to become no body, no one, no thing, no where, in no time."

the quote in between my text is from Dr. Joe Dispenza, a teacher/helper/researcher of the new spiritual development world, who tends to base his shared knowledge on scientific research, and it illustrates perfectly what my friend Mo has been trying to get across to me for years. we are nothing but Energy. you are, i am, my cats are, my kids are, my car is, my house is, money is, the trees in the woods where i feel happy are... 

this requires some serious letting go of notions. as Dispenza describes, it takes letting go of the attachment to Reality as we're told to believe it to be. an attachment to Reality as we're constantly reinforced to Believe Is Real, and anyone who thinks about this differently is {at the very least} a bit weird... and because we don't want to be excluded from Society, we need to shun anybody who thinks like that. we need to shun, ridicule, ostracize, distance ourselves from anyone who questions the way we see Reality. 

or not...

one of the fun things about Law of Attraction is that as soon as you let go of one way of believing, you will attract other people into your life - people who also have no truck with 'Reality' as we're forced to believe it to be... as one set of people falls away {cos they don't fit your life anymore, or you theirs} another set appears... and for a while it can feel quite nice to travel alone, not get distracted by the voices of those who doubt you, who doubt otherness. there's enough turmoil going on inside without the added distraction of outsiders doubt... {and the outside world is just a projection of your inner self, but that's another post all together...}





balcony bliss

this year is the first time i see the plants in the pots on my balcony awaken into spring. 

last year there weren't any, as i hadn't really gotten the place ready yet, and only after the boys made it cat-safe in April had i put thought into what could grow here, what would look pretty, and what could be eaten. i had sown seeds for tomatoes {hopeful...} and Zinnia, and a few pumpkins went into a pot, just to see what would happen and get some green going. i also found a Japanese maple that could work in a pot, and some Hydrangeas {hortensias in Dutch} and a ridiculously expensive small bamboo plant, and loads of different Fuchsias, as well as Geraniums passed on by my mum. 

by mid-summer it was looking glorious!! even the heatwave did it's worst without much in the way of casualties. well, one Fuchsia wasn't too happy and almost died, but that was really it. i was delighted... slightly disappointed by the yield of my tomato plant {three...}, and in giggles over the produce of the pumpkin - one whole tiny weenie one, the size of a cherry... i also tried my hand at Rucola {was okay} and Coriander {meh}, so i guess i'm having to rethink my edibles. 

but the first inklings of a whole new life-cycle is already making itself known. my Hydrangeas are sprouting leaves, the maple is awakening, as is the small beech tree, and the bamboo is having tonnes of new shoots!! some plants that i hadn't cleared up yet {i'm a very lazy gardener} are showing signs of life {yay!!} and my hands are getting quite itchy. 

i'll be looking into herbs to grow, soon, and some things i can eat, so ideas are very welcome!! 

meanwhile, this is last year's heaven:






on dreams and ponder

since i want to move away from labels - and both 'Bohemian' and 'Buddhist' are that - about my identity, i decided to change the name, and url, of this blog. i dream and i ponder, on life and all it's weird, amazing facets. 

i'm neither a Buddhist, nor am i very Bohemian. i try to be the latter, and i feel i achieve this by being Me as much as i can. for me that entails having my own style, my own values, my own belief system {based in a spiritual, love-steeped, Universe-inspired way of thinking} that seems to clash wildly with how society wants people to be. and that's fine. i just don't really want to be part of it, any more than i have to... 

this past year has shown me how far removed i feel from 'Society' and how i wish to be part of a community of people who live in love and abundance and joy, and leave my fear-based thinking behind, however hard that is at times... 

so i dream of the life i want, and i ponder on the obstacles on my path, then let them go... life's too short for labels




shopping list

wishlist  shopping list for the Universe:

i am happy and grateful, now that i

own a red campervan
♥    
have unlimited funds
(as money flows to me easily and effortlessly)

know a few lovely friends
have plentiful visits to Sweden, Norway, 
Germany, Finland...

speak German fluently
and Spanish well enough

can play the ukelele

live nearer the woods

have a dog

know how to do woodwork

am healthy and so are my kids



fanfared

as always, i'm pretty late to the party, when it comes to certain music, especially Balkan brass band folk... well, mostly i'm not even at the party, i liked Beirut a lot in the mid-2000's and that was the extent of my knowledge with regards to eastern European/Balkan folk music. and boy did i miss out on a lot!

thanks to the French radio station that i can receive with my tv/internet/phone subscription {FiP, in case you're interested, they can be found on internet as a plug-in thingy as well} which plays just about anything from Radiohead and Led Zeppelin to Classical music and light jazz, via hiphop and R&B, with detours to one-hit wonders, big-band and folk, with no real indication of what will follow, and that usually suits me nicely, i'm introduced to all kinds of brilliant. one of them was this song, by the Fanfare Ciocãrlia, which had me grab my phone to Shazam it immediately. the result took me to their page on Spotify, and there i learnt that they are a 12-piece band, based in Romania and have been around since my second son was born - 1996... well, actually they've been around for many more years, but they were 'discovered' by a German sound engineer then, who was very impressed by their energy and unique take on the music they grew up around, got them to apply for passports and booked a tour though Europe, and the rest was history.

apparently they were loved by the dance/rave scene in the early 2000's, something that i'm finding hard to get, on one hand, but on the other, their high energy, happy music would appeal to a crowd that's into dance and are typically interested in exploring different, new sounds. their music was also used in one of the Borat films {...}

when The Great Pottery Throw Down {a 'lose one contestant every week' style program based around pottery} was still shown on the BBC, i loved the music used, which was a mixture of 60's brit-rock {The Who, Small Faces, the Kinks} and some brass band, and to me it added to the delight that this program was {it's still on, just on a channel that i sadly can't watch}. as opposed to any other contestant show, it will regularly make me feel exuberant with joy and completely inspired to take up pottery again.... there's obviously a huge difference between brass bands from the Balkan and Yorkshire, but the feeling it evokes is oddly similar. the film Brassed Off {underrated, with a glaring cast, like Ewan McGregor and that bloke that went on to play a butler in Downton Abbey}, from 1996, shows how evocative the music can be - either raising spirits or emphasizing depth. 

so, another treasure to unwrap for me... and see if i can find that film somewhere... 

only the lonely

yesterday i had a long, lovely afternoon with my oldest friend Mo. we go back as long as i live {she's 2 months my senior} as our mothers were friends {even though there's about 20 years difference between them} and we kind of had no choice but to grow up together. this happened until we hit teenage - she hit teenage very hard, i kind of slinked into the background for a good few years - and we found each other again when i lived in England and she'd became a mum and 'settled down' in the village. we weren't close though. we were on different plains in life, and not until i came back to NL did we find common ground in the path to spiritual and intuitive development we had both started walking.

we couldn't be more different. she's colourful, extravert, loud, spontaneous, easy-going, inviting, warm, comes from a big family, is the youngest of 5... i'm reserved, careful, quiet, introvert, a closed book until i feel i can trust you, my family is small, and i'm the oldest of 2... her approach to the spiritual & intuitive is different to mine, but still, we complement each other quite well. she's the Yin to my Yang {or the other way around...}

the other day i mentioned that i'm delving deeper into the things i once learnt about Celtic paganism and Witchcraft. something that has been in my life at least since i moved to England, but also before that, there were always people who knew about herbs, and Celtic arts and crafts, and Tarot cards, using a pendulum, and that There Was More Between Heaven And Earth {one of my aunts springs to mind, who was probably more knowledgable about witchcraft than i realised back then} and it always spoke to me on a level i couldn't explain. but because i didn't have the Gift {a 'natural' ability to See things, to Know things that i couldn't technically Know} i decided it wasn't for me. Mo has it - she Sees and Knows and Communicates - and she reckons we all do, but have buried it underneath the crap we have learnt since we were born. i just forgot about this side of my intuitive development. but i mentioned to her that i'm reading about it, and figuring out how i can use it more in my life, be more in tune with my nature, and Nature itself. and - she texted me back straightaway - so is she... 

so yesterday, when we finally managed to find a day where we could get together, we talked about this, and the situation in the world, and how far removed we feel - further and further - from the society around us. how difficult it feels to feel a connection between people around us {apart from our kids}, while knowing it doesn't matter. we might feel 'lonely' at times, but we're not alone... if nobody else, we have each other... 

sprung

last week on Saturday {13/2}, i had to wear a scarf and a hat and gloves, when i set off for work... 

yesterday {20/2} i sat outside on the balcony, having my lunch before i set off for work...

last week, customers talked about the skating they had done, on {sometimes} busy ponds, in or near woodlands just outside of the city, the first time in many years, often, their faces adorned with a smile... 

yesterday, they told of lovely sunny walks they had in busy woodlands, just outside of the city, and they had smiles on their faces that gleamed...

last week, the radiators were filled with towels and cloths, drying and filling the living room with the scent of detergent...

yesterday, washing dried on the rack that i placed outside, smelling of Outdoors...

new moons

I'm not saying it has anything to do with the New Moon in Aquarius today, combined with a Mercury retrograde, or anything, but today felt a bit weird... 

Holland has been covered in snow, pretty much completely, since Sunday. we don't get snow like this very often, and combined with the well below zero temperatures, it's bound to stay for a while longer than the usual 5 hours. on Sunday i walked in to work, and enjoyed the beautiful scenes, watched dads pulls kids on sledges, saw people clear snow off the pavement, heard cars drive past very slowly, listened to the crunching of the snow under my feet.

since i cycled to work on the other days, i hadn't needed the car for over a week, and left it till today to see if i was able to slither along the uncleared road we live along, out towards somewhere pretty for a long walk and post some letters while i was out, but as i clicked the 'open' button on the key, it was clear that no driving was going to be done - the battery hadn't coped with the cold very well. dead as a dodo... so i contacted roadside assistance, and had to wait the full 90 minutes, to be greeted by a very lovely chap {...} who concluded {after attaching a machine to the battery} that it was going to be very likely that i would be calling out one of his colleagues again sooner rather than later - something i kind of expected, since this was the second time in a few months that the battery ran out... i followed the lovely chap to the Roadside Assistance workshop that turned out to be very close to where i regularly go for a walk, near the woods, and 20 minutes and a heap of money later, my little Yaris was purring happily again. 

i decided to take it for a bit of a drive, warm it up and find that Somewhere Pretty, taking the Tilburg turning, and regretted that quickly, as there was a jam, and i found myself wedged between lorries and vans, going incredibly slow, inching my way towards the turning off for the nearest village, but that was apparently closed off, and i had to drive to the next turning, and that took me to the other side of the city. from there i knew how to get to the woods, but all the parking places were either full up, or looked too slippery for my liking,  so i just carried on driving. my views were amazing, though... wearing my sunglasses to stop the snow blinding me, i was treated to landscapes that wouldn't look out of place in Germany or Sweden... 

i drove back home, parked the car and walked along the streets near my apartment, posting the letters i meant to post earlier. it was very slippery, and very cold, and very pretty. but i still felt weird. it was my day off, but my mind was nowhere near Breda. i have no idea where it was, but i was glad i was back inside, looking forward to my coffee and bit of chocolate, mulling over the odd coincidence with my friend over Telegram {a path neither of us had talked about before, but are both exploring now}, and a peculiar interaction with a penfriend, and the feeling of a clamp on my head for most of the day - quiet contemplation was called for...

a new moon starts today. time for some strong intentions



Paris

this photo is taken in Paris,
they are the steps down Mont Martre, i think.
it's one of the photo's i keep 
on my Pinterest boards,
which is dedicated to photographs 
{black & white mostly}
that i really like.

i'm not a fan of Paris.
it fills me with ambivalence.
according to my ex, this is because
i fear the confidence 
and sensuality {??}
that the city presents.
he was probably right.
Paris represents a confidence 
that i don't feel i ever had.

i also envy Paris this.

i can handle London 
- London is a mix of historical
and modern 
that i feel at home with -
i love being there...

i love Berlin
- it represents a more recent history
and celebrates alternative ways 
of Being Human,
and holds a German confidence
{or is it arrogance?}
that i like,
and i tend to ignore 
the Kitkat Club elements that 
the city is also famed for -
i loved being there...

i loved Barcelona
the warm, kind, life-loving vibe i got there
{or maybe this was just cos 
my son was our tour guide...}
the mixture of modern life
and centuries of history,
the daring architecture,
the way it was so Spanish
but also so much Catalan
i really want to go back there...

but Paris...
i don't know...
maybe i just need to go there again,
one day,
take the Thalys and book a hotel room
right in the centre
and soak it all in...

it worked with Berlin...



killing in the name of...

when i first moved into the apartment that i now live in, i was impressed with the may trees that surrounded the small block that my space is part of. there were loads, and in the October that i looked at the apartment, to see if it was to my liking, the trees outside the living room window were a gorgeous yellow, and i fell in love with this view. in the year since i moved in, or almost 18 months now, i've seen the seasons change, the trees lose their yellow leaves, be a refuge for the many little birds, looking for food in winter, and a place to rest, and as spring came, the gradual change from only branches to a lush, green, beautiful plant filled me with joy. okay, the endless bird poop on the car was a bit of a nuisance, and the cats lost their rag rather often, staring at the sparrows, and blue tits, and undefined green-ish birds that they couldn't ever reach, but really, small beer compared to the pleasure that we gained from having them outside our window, and outside the building, and in the area - the air that they cleaned, the birds that they harboured, the help to nature, something Breda council appeared to attach so much importance to... 

imagine my shock, when i received a letter from this council last Friday, stating that because of the work that will be done in this area on the sewage system, the trees along our building, and a load more in the streets further on, will have to be destroyed... and since it needs to be done before breeding season, it shall be done this week... oh, and can you please move your car for that day too. thanks. 

i cried, after i read this... i cried, and i was so f^%$ing angry, and disgusted and upset and dumbstruck... my beautiful tree, the one that gave me so many hours of joy, that fed the birds and gave them shelter and gave us shade and oxygen, was a commodity that stood in the way, and had to be removed... cos it was going to be in the way... 

the cutting was done just now, and it felt like i was being punched in the stomach several times over... the guys doing to looked like they didn't give a fig - young chaps mostly, more interested in their phone and another fag - and chainsawed the branches off the trunks, dug the roots out like they were evil that needed destroying, and i cried again... it felt so awful, so pointless. 

the work to the sewage will be done in the summer, so - yay - there won't be any new trees for quite some time. thankfully the huge tree in the middle, which i also stare at, is allowed to stay, and some others at the front that are not seen as commodities, so the birds won't be completely bereft of somewhere to hang out in, take shelter, find food, tease the cats. but still... i've ordered the spirits to find me a nice, comfortable, clean, easy to maintain house in the woodlands that i love to wander in. i'm done with urban life... 





wonder things

as i mentioned before, as a new{ish} user of Spotify, i'm finding it a treasure trove. songs i hadn't heard for donkey's years, bands i remembered from also donkey's years ago with their whole back catalogue on it, and i was finding myself scooting from Ramones and Smithereens to Scritti Politti and Warren Zevon, and my heart skipped a beat so many times, that it was getting dangerous... 

it reminded me a bit of my teens, when i knew a few people, mostly the dads of families i was babysitting for, who had an eclectic taste in music {from the 70's usually} and were delighted to share this with this weird person who occasionally looked after their kids. that, and the then mad radio-broadcasting system that had the days of the week divided into the 9 different religious/ideological broadcasting companies that Holland has {nowadays combined somewhat, but then each company had a day per week}, which had me mostly listening on Tuesdays only, when the music was chosen by people who had the same taste as i did  {until Studio Brussel happened, and i hardly listened to dutch radio at all anymore...}. back then it was mostly hoping that songs that i liked would pop up on the radio, while spotify gives the freedom to skip and chose. 

a band that i rediscovered recently:

* the Wonder Stuff *

an odd band, based around singer Miles Hunt, from the West-Midlands in UK {which is a collection of cities like Birmingham and Wolverhampton, with mostly coal mining and related industries at it's - former - centre} who made catchy folky pop, which i liked a lot around the time i was au-pair in East Sussex. it strongly reminds me of the time i went out a bit in Hastings {to a pub in the Old Town called Ye Olde Pump House, that we just knew as The Old Pump House, mainly...} with some fellow language students {some of whom i'm still in contact with} and i consider to be my version of Student Life... this lot was daft, weren't tied to one genre, and had mad lyrics which made little sense, and were incredibly British. their album Hup i owned on cassette, and i listened to it endlessly, so hearing it again on Spotify it was weird to be able to sing along to songs i hadn't heard since before my eldest was born, now 27+ years ago...

their albums had interesting titles, such as The Eight Legged Groove Machine, Hup, Never Loved Elvis and {brilliant this} Construction For The Modern Idiot, reflecting their daft take on things. they struck lucky when they decided to record the song Dizzy with British comedian Vic Reeves {who with his then companion Bob Mortimer stood for a surreal, absurd kind of comedy that regularly got quite out of hand...}, which hit the big time {just now found the original clip and was reminded of the madcap stuff Reeves & Mortimer got up to in the early nineties - oh, those were the days...}

they lasted until about 1994, when i guess the fun was gone from being in a band, which had rehashed into different set-ups, and they reformed kind of in 2000, again resulting in may different members over time, but still with Hunt as the front man. 

the novelty wore off soon, i must say, listening to them now, as the music and singing can get a bit incessant, and there's more stuff to get through these days... as opposed to 1990, when i was so delighted to have found a band that seemed to be daft, irreverent and absurd, and who's music cheered me up so much. the reminder was nice, though!