cheerio

the last sunset of this year
🌟
a year that had me tear my hair out
with rage and disbelief,
with excitement and hope

a year that had me lose 'friends', people i thought 

i had a connection with, 

a bond over mutual interests

turns out our mutual interests were merely 

a superficial connection

something that our egos recognised

this year had me scratch my head so many times

whenever i heard someone else

{people i assumed were intuitive, awakened, spiritual}

had succumbed to the pressure to conform 

to a frightening New Normal

this year that became even more disturbing

than the one before

and that's saying something.....

a year in which the shells finally fell from my eyes

in which the truth about the world around me

turned out to be even more disconcerting

 than i could've imagined

in which the people i trusted proved to be puppets

and i had to go very deep within to let it all go

a year i'm delighted to see the back of

i sincerely hope

that you'll have a wonderful New Year

and a wonderful New Beginning

🌟

imagined

some days are better than others....

some days i'll feel so energised, so alive and bubbling with excitement, happy, no: overjoyed!! nothing can throw me off this feeling and everything seems to go so easily... people appear in my life who are helpful, seem the missing piece of the puzzle at that moment, and things fall into place. i can't imagine life ever being a challenge...

and then the next day it all feels so far away. the joy, the thrill, the ease - a heaviness has taken over, and the world seems dark. nothing i do can make it go away. meditation doesn't help, a long walk in the woods doesn't make a difference, listening to nice music doesn't change a thing... all the stuff i've learnt seems to be rubbish, cos i may know that i am not the fear, that i am not the darkness in my soul, i may know that this too shall pass, as it it nesting itself in me, it feels bloody real... 

yesterday was one of those dark days... it started off okay, with the daughter getting ready for her trip to her boyfriend, and me pottering about, getting the washing up done, checking some stuff online, ordering a few bits and bobs, talking through some things with a colleague at work... this doomy feeling set in, very slowly... i went for a long walk along the river, where a beautiful bit of nature has been created over the years, with a path that meanders along with the flow of the river, and if felt okay, even though half of the city seemed to want to go for a walk, and there were way more people there than i had hoped to encounter, but it was okay. geese flew over loudly honking, ducks swam and flapped a bit, the wind was blowing through the reeds in the water. i enjoyed what i encountered. 

then, in the evening after i had made myself some dinner, the feeling really took hold. fear, mixed with frustration and anger, about the way things didn't seem to be changing... i meditated on it, but nothing changed. i wrote about it in my journal, but nothing shifted. so i sent my friend M a text, asking if it was okay with her if i waffled on a bit about this, maybe she recognised it... and she did... we chatted for ages, pinpointing the things we were feeling, the insecurities we noticed and how everything seems to be such a struggle... why, when we know we can create a beautiful world that we prefer to the way we live now, do we seem to keep getting stuck in Fear? is it the remnants of the crap we have dealt with already? the things that we know are from our ancestors, that we drag along with us still? is this the stuff our egos don't want to let go of, cos who knows what it will be replaced with? better to hang on to what we know than the risk of something unknown-but-even-more-wonderful...? 

if we create our world with the thoughts we think, it's important that we think Happy, Beautiful, Joyful, Expansive, Abundant thoughts, and not let Fear and Frustration and Anger take hold... see them, accept them, breathe towards them, but ultimately, let them go... even if it takes chatting with a friend who is many miles away.... 

shedding skin

or: how the Law of Attraction has always been with us

in the past 2 years, it's become very clear to me that - despite my natural reservations - i've been stuck in the programming that has been imposed on us humans for centuries... i too have been sucked into the beliefs that certain people were trustworthy, that certain companies had our best interests at heart and that certain people were the Good Ones... i used to vote, believing that my vote would make a difference, that i was doing my duty as a citizen in a world where everybody did their bit to create a better world. i used to vote left-wing, believing that parties on that side of the political spectrum were more like i saw the world. 

i listened to bands that seemed to represent my values, i watched films that were made by actors and directors who appeared to be good folks, creating a world that i enjoyed seeing represented. 

almost ALL of my core values and views as a citizen of the world have been shattered, betrayed and become beacons of how very WRONG i have been... even i, who didn't believe in heroes, who didn't {wish to} worship and was aware of the intrinsic value in Authenticity of the Self.... of being True to Your Self... 

it feels like i've gone through a mourning process, ever since the 'pandemic' was declared, in March last year, and every single person i used to have some kind of respect for seemed to pander to the Fear, submit to the new normal... without question... all the ones that were once punk/rock/anti-establishment, they all {wishing to be seen as good citizens, as examples to their fans and peers of Modern Virtue} became spokespeople for their health authorities, seemingly spreading the sensible word, appearing to be careful for each other's sake, never once questioning the point of any of the measures they promoted. only questioning those who questioned it.... ridiculing them, demonising them... the modern rebels, that they once were, made into outcasts... 

the process of returning to myself, my own values, my own matrix of truth and authenticity, has been weird, scary sometimes, cos how does one 'replace' a familiar matrix of lies and deception? how does one build a new world based on truth and love, on kindness and inner strength? what template do i have? where do i find like minded people? 

the funny thing is, we have been using the Law of Attraction all of our lives, only, we have been attracting the things that were right for our belief systems. we were taught to believe certain things, and our vibrations called out for all that to be confirmed, so the Universe sent us all the things and people that fitted this narrative. so we got duality and contrast, cos we believed that this was what was Normal. we got the shadows in ourselves represented by other people, cos that's what we believed was truth. other people were evil, not us... other people we devious, not us... other people were wrong/bad/selfish/virtuous {fill in the blanks}, not us... 

many of us around the world have been awake {aware}, but still part of the matrix. raised by people who were stuck in it themselves, our vision blurred by conditioning & traumas, by fear of exclusion, or whatever other things obscured our Inner Knowing. but these last 2 years have raised the veil... these last 2 years have shown us that we were 'different' for a reason... we never really fitted into the Society that was created, we never really fitted into the matrix of fear and submission, of singing to the tune of controlled governments... 

but in order to move away from this, we need to accept these parts of ourselves first - we are all of those things that we see around us. it's no use railing against the wrongs we see around us and not see them within ourselves... then we'd still be living inside the Us v Them matrix of the old world... 

make a note of all the things around you that annoy you, that bug you, and ask yourself: how do i do this myself? where am i all of those things? it can be scary to do this, confronting yourself with things you don't wish to see, certainly not in yourself, but it's crucial in order to move on... to move into a new World all together...

soul purpose

in these three videos, it is explained where we are as human beings, what our journey here on earth means and how we can move forward in these times of transition and ascension. best watched in order of posting...

💜

stronger than you think...

one of the things we need to do as a species, in the coming months/years, is to move out of the victim/perpetrator mentality, which has held humanity hostage for far too long. 

whenever i opted for someone to own up to the life they've manifested for themself, one of the strongest reactions was - so it's my own fault that i'm in this mess? it's my own fault that i'm sick? it's my own fault that.... {fill in the blanks} 

fault - blame - guilt - pressure - shaming - ridicule - fear - punishment - disapproval

all things that have been used for centuries to stop us from listening to our own inner voice, our own wisdom. the church has used it for ages, and the results of this are still palpable in most societies, western or otherwise. however far removed we think we might be from the grip of vicars and bishops, of authority posed by religious groups. remnants of god-fearing indoctrination are happily used now by the state, by health care professionals, by certain industries and our educational systems, having us believe that we are actually free to do as we please.... 

from childhood we've been trained to believe that we aren't able to heal ourselves, to make up our own minds about what feels best for us, should doubt inner voices that steer us away from jobs that aren't good for our souls, or people that we don't need in our lives. we manifest a life that's filled with sadness and pain and illness and boredom and cheap entertainment and bad food and fake fulfilment, cos that's exactly what we've been encouraged to by our parents, our teachers, our peers, our media, our heroes... and when we get ill, it's just tough luck. and that's what doctors are for, with their pills and treatments and therapies and things that don't really have you rely on your own abilities to heal, cos god forbid that you're no longer sick... then you wouldn't be the cash cow that you have become!!

we have been trained to be victims. of fate, of bad genes, of bad luck, of bad families... 

all this is about to change. we are moving into a time when we learn to take charge of our own lives, of our own realities, to manifest whatever life you believe you are 'worthy' of. depending on your convictions about yourself, about life in general. the reality that you see before you, that you believe in, is the reality you'll attract. 

what's yours going to be?

karma is a b... {beautiful mirror}

for the last 8 days, i've been turning more and more inward. not cos i have a winterdip coming up, or because life is dragging me down, but because i have to... something is making me go very deep, and a lot of stuff is being unearthed, stuff i never thought i'd deal with, or that it was still being stored... the energies of late, and the higher vibration which the world is experiencing now, is making this happen, whether we like it or not.... 

a few:

* a deep fear of what was happening in the world around me, the draconic measures that governments are taking worldwide to keep people suppressed, to keep us 'under their spell', had made me very upset. especially last thursday, when it was 11/11 and i had meant to be on a higher frequency, Deliriously Happy, i was just getting all kinds of crap on my path... a colleague who was challenging everything i did, customers who were asking me what i thought about Possible New Measures, or - again - challenging me, and i was feeling quite rough already. a headache and feeling drained kept me from the state of Delirious Happiness, and i was angry - why wasn't i able to do this?? surely is wasn't that hard to be Happy??? hadn't i learnt anything from my hours of talking to Mo??? as soon as i got home, i collapsed, and took the next few days off work, cos i felt like death warmed up. thankfully i had this week off anyway, so i was able to emerge myself in Inner Work, in Getting To The Bloody Bottom Of This... 

* a meditation gave me the key. an experience i had while giving birth to my eldest son seemed to be at the centre of this death fear i had for yonks. the birth itself ignited a fear so deep, so strong, that it stayed with me all this time {i'm still amazed that i had three more babies...}. i was at death's door, literally, but i was told to go back, i hadn't finished yet, i had a child to raise, and learn more.... i was re-born, in an English hospital {hence, i guess, my deep longing to be there} and i've spent 28 years growing myself... {this meditation was the night before Eldest was having his 28th birthday....}

* for the longest time i thought i had a kind of inferiority complex. my childhood was spent trying to hide from bullies, people in my village school who thought i was weird, who disliked me for no other reason than that i was different to them, since i was a toddler.... as soon as i went to school, i was confronted with my inability to fit in. i was classed 'shy', considered a bit too dreamy, and not really that interesting by my teachers... i wasn't gifted, like some in my class, i enjoyed learning but about things that i took an interest in, not necessarily the things that i was supposed to, to excel academically. so for ages i thought i was dim. not clever enough. now i know i was trying desperately to fit into a world that i wasn't ever going to fit into, and not given the tools to get to that place. 

* last week, one of the confrontations i had with a colleague was when she made it clear to me that i was being superior to her, snooty and dismissive, and that it wasn't on.... who, me?? superior?? wot...?? but she was right... my new 'role' as under-supervisor {?? is that even a thing??} made me feel superior to her. i was FINALLY acknowledged as having some kind of talent, not seen as a slightly useless weirdo, and i was going to  bloody well use that... and that came back to bite me in the bum, thanks to the 5D reality the world is changing into... crap flies back into your face no sooner has it happened.... 

* to add to it: i'm feeling slightly superior to the people that are still stuck in the 3D reality, who are still buying the bollocks that the media feeds them, and i'm loving it... ha!! you bastards that made my life hell when i was 8 - see how you like this.... not pretty, i know, but apparently i need to feel this right now, for a bit. acknowledge that i actually feel this... that i actually enjoy that the world is shifting to a place where i can actually feel at home, for once.... after 52 bloody years..... 

so... ascension... take a look at the things that are still keeping you from fully being Happy - be it Delirious or otherwise... 

11/11

let there be light

let there be love

let there be kindness

let there be unity

let there be joy

let there be truth

let there be inner peace 

surrealisms

since our outside worlds reflect our inner worlds, there must be a heck of a lot of tension and restricting going on inside of me... 

as from this weekend i won't be allowed into museums or the swimming pool, {most} restaurants were already out of bounds and traveling to England has long been struck off my list of Places I Could Travel To, since i'm not taking an experimental jab or wish to be tested and therefor can't produce an entrance code. fine, i'll make my own entertainment... Normal Society has slowly dwindled to a very narrow band in the last 20 months of places where i'm welcome anyway, or at least places where i feel welcome. and my resolve will be carried on being tested in the next few months. in the Normal World reality at least... 

your world is as restricted or as welcoming as you allow it to be. for this to be true, you'll have to let go of the notion that Reality is only the one presented to you by other people, and take ownership of your Inner World, the thoughts you have, the Reality you wish to create... to get there it is important to realise that you can... you can take ownership, you can change your outer world, you can choose Joy and Beauty above Chaos and Fear.... the reality that you see on tv and in shops and on social media is also real, as real as you want it to be, and if you prefer that one, then by all means  carry on living in that Reality. just know that it doesn't have to be if it doesn't make you feel happy... you're not stuck with a life or a world that fills you with fear or dread or restrictions... 

it has taken me way too long to integrate this Knowing into my world... for too long i was convinced that it couldn't be true, it couldn't be this easy... surely it was all pie in the sky to think that i didn't have to abide by the things i saw on tv or on social media... that this was a Reality, not the only Reality. it takes a certain way of thinking, one that seemed daft to me for a long time. rational as i was brought up to be. as most of us have been... 

so, what 'unrealistic' reality are you going to manifest?

here, there and everywhere

from a very young age i was sure that i wasn't going to live in the village where i grew up. 

no idea where this conviction came from, and even less so from where the notion that i wanted to live in England arose, but it was there. maybe cos Being Elsewhere was always a thing in my house; my dad's oldest sister lived in Switzerland, and an uncle of my dad came from the southernmost part of Limburg, where Holland meets Belgium and Germany, and used to descend on us, with his wife, at ungodly hours, announcing that they'd be staying for a few days, prompting my mum to make a double bed in my brothers bedroom, having him sleep somewhere else {can't actually recall where...}. he seemed enigmatic, had lots of stories about his travels to far flung places in Europe {this was early 80's, Europe was still a lot bigger than it seems now} my dad loved him {he was a younger brother of my granddad}, my mum despised both him and the over-chatty auntie who spoke in a deep Limburg accent and was often incomprehensible to me. she seemed a hoot though, despite the fact that she smoked a lot. in the house. as was then perfectly normal. 

my childhood was alright. i can remember being outside a lot, in our huge garden, that stretched all the way to the other side of the road, to where the football grounds were, and nothing was built yet. we had loads of space to make dens, to discover the world, to hang around. there was no fence at the end of what was my parent's garden, it just went on, and the village kind of ended by the football grounds anyway. at one point houses were getting built, and a fence was put up, but i was a bit older then. also, i didn't really enjoy playing with other kids. i was introverted, quiet, sensitive, happy to make booklets about flowers i found in the garden, or write little plays about things i'd read about in books. my now best friend M. was incomprehensible to me, a lot of the time. she was frenetic, had 4 older siblings that seemed alien to me, loud and unsophisticated, and they frightened me. 

it seems weird now, but life outside of my little bubble frightened me rigid... everyone seemed so confident, so obviously aware of what was asked of them, how to fit in. i had no idea, and felt out of place. the alienation most people feel when they go through teenage, i felt when i was 8. 

looking back at who i was then, it seems a huge leap to make the move to another country, a country i'd visited once, with my brother, for just over a week, and instinctively knew was my Happy Place... we visited Canterbury, where we stayed in a lovely B&B, then travelled to Salisbury {which i didn't even know how to pronounce, asking for a train ticket to Sellis-bury, much to the hilarity of the guy in the booth selling me the ticket...}, which was this amazing place full of hippies and artists and artisan & spiritual types who made it seem like heaven on earth to me. i'd never seen anything like it! history and arts and crafts and nature and the spiritual and architecture and introverted people that i'd not come across in Holland, or Germany, in such vast supplies here... i wanted this all the time....

there's still an intuitive pull towards there, although i wouldn't have a clue about how to make the changes that were so much easier when i was 21... probably should've never left England in the first place. but back then it made sense, and truly wonderful things have happened here. as well....

how do we know when we've made the right choices....? how do we know where we belong...? sometimes i tell people that i feel homesick for England... and felt like my heart was ripped out for the first year after moving here. England wasn't even my home?!! 

or was it...?

terms & conditions

when attracting Things and People and Situations into one's life, how much of this is from conscious intention and how much is from unwanted conditioning...?

this question has been on my mind, since i read the bit of info from my to go to book, which connects physical ailments a person can have to emotional blocks and mental wrong-goings that cause them. and as i kept coming back to the same 'reasons' that cause my current 'ailment' {wonky hip} and i kept getting the same message, i spent a few days thinking about this... i get what is meant - i do need to be more true to my nature, i would love to be able to live my life according to what my intuition and higher self guide me to do, but there's so much crap in the way that's stopping me from actually doing this... if i even know what my true nature is?!!

what is our true nature?
if it is the one that was with us before we were conditioned by our families and society, how do we get back to that? is it possible to let that go, to live our lives unencumbered by conditioning? some conditioning is useful - how irritating are kids that are never socially corrected, and are allowed to run amoc cos their parents have no idea how to raise them {also a conditioned notion by me} - but apart from the stuff we learn to not be annoying & spoilt toddlers, what is actually Fear instilled by our parents, relations and teachers? when is it our Intuition warning us for danger?

a few years ago my aunt {mum's sister} talked about my dad's mum, who was a ferocious woman, and apparently she was angry with me a lot. my behaviour - as a 2 y/o - annoyed her and she reacted to me with rejection and anger. did i learn to modify who i was already? did her reactions, and those of my parents, impact me to the extent that i was scared to be Me, to be relaxed with myself, my inherent Daan-ness...? if this was my template for life, for dealing with the world around me, how do i replace that with a more loving, kinder version? is that even possible? i expect women to be annoyed by me, to reject me as soon as i display behaviour that feels right for me... as keeps happening to me at work, where i only work with women who {seemingly} reject me. i attract them into my life, to carry on the expectation that older women reject me {my nan, my other nan, my mum}. younger women are a reflection of who i feel i am, and are no threat. men, mostly, want my pity, or my adoration, and i'll happily give that to them, cos that will get me their affection {my dad}. 

who the fuck am I?!
what the heck do I want?!!
what fills MY heart with Joy???

time to find this out, to get back to the version i was before my nan and my mum and my other nan and social conditioning got their hands on me... 

. 🌟 .

had a long and beautiful chat 

with my friend Mo this afternoon, 

about how we need to finally 

trust ourselves, 

to Trust our Selves, 

the voices deep within that Know, 

the images we see that show us 

the way forward...

. 🌟 .

we Know it, 

yet we let ourselves be led 

by doubt, by fear... 

we've been raised to follow the crowd, 

but we have always felt 

that this was not for us.

. 🌟 .

our time has come, 

we feel it deeply... 

we need to ask ourselves 

what it really is we are scared of 

- to lose the people around us, 

or the unlimited power 

that we all really have?

. 🌟 .

the right people will find us. 

we'll move into the light now...

. 🌟 .

times

I, I'm a one way motorway

I'm the one that drives away

Then follows you back home

I, I'm a street light shining

I'm a wild light blinding bright

Burning off and on

Ah-ah-ahh

It's times like these you learn to live again

It's times like these you give and give again

It's times like these you learn to love again

It's times like these time and time again

I, I'm a new day rising

I'm a brand new sky

To hang the stars upon tonight

I am a little divided

Do I stay or run away

And leave it all behind?

Ah-ah-ahh

It's times like these you learn to live again

It's times like these you give and give again

It's times like these you learn to love again

It's times like these time and time again

{Times Likes These, by Foo Fighters, 2003}

the lyrics to the song stayed in my mind, since hearing them sung recently first by Glen Campbell {as dropped in a playlist on Spotify recently} and the version that Florence Welsh did a few years ago, when she headlined Glastonbury instead of the Foo Fighters, and in a fitting and amazingly beautiful tribute, sang this song by them. it has been a fave by the Foo's for years, i've long liked the vibe of it, but nowadays it seems to fit the mood that i feel i've been in for a while. it's time like these you learn to live again, you give and give again, you learn to love again, time and time again... 

looking for clues

despite knowing deep down that i shouldn't have been, i have spent my whole life finding answers outside of myself. 

with this thought i went to sleep last night, in a search to find out where the root of my anxiety lies. i'm worried about what's going on the the world, although i'm also aware of the need for it, and the unstoppableness of the changes ahead. i'm scared of the uncertainty that goes with change. i like things to be predictable, of sorts, as it gives me stability, and the less things change, the more comfortable i feel. 

during my weeks off, i cycled to where i went to college, one time by chance, another time cos a shop i needed to get something from was nearby, and both times it struck me how little had changed... okay, the school itself was gone, and in its place it now an old people's home {how apt...}, but the streets where i walked with my classmate and best buddy at the time {no idea what happened to her/them} were still there, i could recall the route we wandered between classes, and the little park with the gorgeous house, and the small shopping area where there was still the same supermarket and flower shop, only now i connected it to where i now live in the city, and a sense of Yes, It Finally Came True overcame me. 

back then i had long and weird chats with my friend, the classmate who introduced me to the notion i could be whatever i wanted to be, and that i didn't have to be stuck in the life my parents would be comfortable with, and that The Police made great music... i kind of adored her {them?} and wanted some of her confidence, the freedom in thought that she had grown up with, the freedom that she had about exploring her attractions, her mind, her Whole Being... i loved how she made me feel when i was with her. 

but like with her, i found others to make me feel complete. i have always been looking at others to give me stability, to give me a sense of confidence. my parents were lovely and good people, but they were never able to instill a sense of confidence in me.  {how could they, if they never learnt it in the first place...?} they introduced me to the idea that i had to look at others for everything. for my basic needs, for approval, for love, for idols & heroes, for company, for money, for how Not To Be {the Boo Hiss Baddies of the world that we can dislike and hate}... the notion that i could find all of those things, and more, in myself never crossed my mind!!

but it's essential that i let go of any need to find Anything in others... it's essential that i Trust my Self, that i fully and completely Trust and Embrace that i am my own entity, and although connected on a spiritual and energetic level {how else would i be able to Manifest the life i desire?}, i am living MY life, i am on MY journey... i am living MY dream... 

the clues are always there. others CAN be and ARE helpful, others ARE necessary to survive, but not in the way that my parents implanted in my psyche. not because i'd be doomed if i don't play along, but because we're all in this together. not because i'm not good enough on my own, but because we're all connected in one way or another. and even when everything changes around me, the right people will find me, and i will connect to the ones that i need. there is no need for despair, or fear, or anxiety - they just get in the way. so i can let go of all that - i won't need them where i'm going...

clarity and clearance

one of my birthday presents was a little book i received from my ex. it was probably meant as a little silly thing, something that seemed appropriate to him, and a giggle to me when i opened it. the book was called How To Live Like Your Cat, by Stephane Garnier, and translated from French. it somehow was the exact thing that i needed...

in it, he describes how cats are unencumbered by thoughts about how they ought to behave, what others think about them, are convinced they're amazing and should be treated like royalty, rest when they feel like it and other things that we, as humans, could learn something from. the more i read the book, the more i appreciate my 2 cats, and i already appreciated them enormously... 

somehow this ties in with what i'm reading in another book, The Greatest Secret, by Rhonda Byrne {she of The Secret}, as she's trying to get across the notion that we are Awareness, and that unencumbered by Ego and Thoughts, our lives would be amazing and easy. 

like so many others, i was bowled over by The Secret, when i first came across it many years ago. there was a simple solution to all my problems... all i had to do was think Positively, be Grateful, and Everything would fall into place. and it kind of did... the magic that i had noticed when i was younger seemed to be back, what i thought about wanting to happen happened, but just as easily as certain things manifesting, so hard and difficult were other parts of my life. the patterns of thought and convictions i had developed in my childhood kept getting in the way, rearing their ugly heads... and they just were not shifting. for every one i let go, another one appeared. however hard i tried, however much therapy i did {and i did so many!! i've done art therapy, acupuncture, hypnotherapy, reiki, Sedona Method, Ho'oponopono, tapping, asking my spirit guides to help me, read books by an enormous amount of people on this}, the Doubt and Anxiety seemed to not want to shift permanently... 

most of us have grown up with the belief that it matters what we are. we spend vast amounts of our years honing down our identities. it matters what we look like, how we dress, who we listen to, what films we enjoy seeing, where we go on holiday, who our friends are, how we express ourselves, what work we do, who we vote for... it matters, cos it helps to create Who We Are... even if we reckon it doesn't... if i enjoy listening to Pearl Jam, and watch Wes Anderson films, and go on holiday in England, and drive a 19 year old car, and am interested in witchcraft, and have left leaning political ideologies, it must mean X... it makes me Who I Am... it matters, cos i'm easy to understand. to myself, and to others. my anxiety and fears are also part of my identity. i'm someone who worries about this, and is convinced about that, and feels strongly about something else - cos that's who i am... 

but what if it doesn't? what if i stop believing that? what if i stop being convinced that X is true, or that Y is important to me? what if i let go of the notion that i'm left-leaning in my political beliefs? what if i let go of the belief that there even IS a Left and Right? that the Left is what i agree with? or that Wes Anderson films are great`? or that i'm someone who owns a 19 year old car? or that i'm anything other than Awareness, and not my thoughts... nothing is real... yet everything is true... 

Saartje just caught a fly, with total focus and concentration, and ate it. now she's on the sofa asleep, happy and completely at peace.

ignorance is bliss

the last 18 months have made it clear to me that we're in a strange phase in this world's development. while hero after hero turned out to be a frightened follower of a new, weird, fearful dogma, other folks i never expected to be, appeared a lot more awake and questioning - something my friend Mo and i were talking about the other day. and while most people around me are allowing themselves to be joyfully and gratefully {??} injected with a substance nobody really knows the long-term effects of, in the name of supposed freedom and health, so am i letting myself be poisoned by anxiety about the future... anxiety about the lives of my loved ones, anxiety about the way the world is becoming. anxiety about the things i thought were certain that are changing, or disappearing... 

but still all my teachers keep reiterating how important it is to be happy. only happy lives are lived through happy thoughts... so i stopped watching tv, i stopped using certain social media, i stopped contact with certain people, and i only followed people i was almost certain were NOT going to mention the situation, were going to stick to happy, joyful, positive messages i could get behind, that would help me to find a new place in this weird world full of scared and uncritical masses... but news of the world kept coming through anyway, so every  now and then my anxiety flares up, creates tension in my guts, makes fear an unwanted part of my life. 

almost all of my {one time} 'heroes' {don't really like the word} are socially aware, liberal minded, kind people. they seemed to be the ones who were going to change the world, or at least be on the right side of history. they claimed to be for freedom of thought, freedom of expression, freedom in health choices. apparently this was only so when the world was not in the grips of a 'pandemic'... now the tables are turned - they seem quite fine with censorship and forcing a medical dictatorship, ridiculing anyone who questions what is going on now... 

knowing this has added to my sense of confusion and anxiety. what is even Right and Wrong anymore?? who is still to be believed? who can i still trust in all this?

myself... 

only i, my inner voice, my Higher Self, can be believed and trusted... i know this notion puts me right up with the weirdos and the mentally unstable, but i believe this is true. only I can know what is good for me. not a government that has been proven time and time again to be crooked, malleable by those with money, not a science that has been proven to be equally malleable by those with money, not doctors who are sponsored by the pharmaceutical industry... ultimately it is down to me... 

so i chose to be ignorant about the situation, about how the world is changing, and let the people who are also ignorant and blissful find me, as they will. as i will find them... 

cos, Once I Decide That I Want A Good Life, The Universe Will Start Moving Things For Me To Have It. The People I Need Will Happen, Doors I Need Open Will Be Unblocked... Once I Truly, Sincerely Decide, Miracles Will Happen... 

a post about post

despite the cost of postage stamps, writing letters is still one of my favourite pastimes. thanks to the Post Crossing website, i am now the happy keeper of heaps of addresses that belong to penfriends who live all over the world. though most of them seem to be from Germany... 

with some i write about my days at the moment, with others i write about my dreams of the future. some are obsessed with the Situation, others are blissfully living in their own happy world. some have children, others don't... some have cats, others don't like pets of any kind... what we all have in common is the enjoyment of the process - finding the right paper, either decorated already, or decorated by ourselves. what washi tape? what stickers? just keeping it plain? to add something to the envelope? and what envelope? 

finding a letter {or 3, somedays} in my letterbox is so very enjoyable... to receive that piece of paper, written on by someone who lives quite a lot of miles away, in Finland, or Bavaria, or Portugal, or Japan, or Bremen, or Yorkshire, or Ohio, or Groningen - i love reading about their lives, their days, things that trigger them, make them happy, whatever they feel the need to share with me - a stranger that they got to know on the forum of the website, whose interests they thought were interesting enough to give it a go. 

some people i've been writing with for many years now, and they've become a lot like friends. people i feel i can write anything to, and they to me. a few i had a deeper connection with, one that went beyond just the regular writing about our day to day things and wishes and desires. someone specific i felt a bond with that i hardly ever have with people. sadly, this connection splattered onto the rocks, as the other person somehow suddenly felt triggered by what we wrote about and stopped writing. this too happens... 

writing letters can be eye-opening, heart-warming, thoroughly enjoyable and quite annoying. it's faintly artisan {cos done by hand, and not by some digital means}, probably good for the soul and us letter-writers belong in a long line of famous folks who are known well for theirs... 

long live letters!!

sharing Sunday #3 {Lammas}

since today is Lammas, or Lughnasadh {pronounced Lu-na-sah}, a little sharing with regards to this.

in Wiccan and Celtic cultures, this is the celebration of the first grain harvest, a time for gathering in and giving thanks for abundance. a time to acknowledge the earth's rich produce, as well as our own skills and abilities. lots can be read and learnt here, on this site, which goes deeper into the notions behind it, and ways we can celebrate nowadays. another way to celebrate is shown here. 

as well as rejoicing and celebrating, it is a time to realise that the strength of the sun is now slowly fading, and we will be preparing for autumn, and winter after that. 

although this summer in particular has been more like autumn already, it is still nice to celebrate the fruits and seeds the earth has given us... 

give thanks and celebrate!!

💜

sacred space

more than novels, i enjoy reading about the people who wrote them...

sometimes their lives were even more interesting than the books they wrote, or the pictures they created. to learn about the lives they lived, and where, can leave me feeling inspired, or just thrilled and dreaming. accounts from people who knew them, or historians who puzzled together the day to day, the mundane that can give lovely insights in who the people were before, while or after making the creations we know them from. 

almost 2 years ago, when i was in England on my week in East Sussex, i visited a few of the houses where the Bloomsbury set - and related folks - resided. modest places, a farmhouse, a cottage, and a medieval looking place that oozed history, lived in by Vanessa Bell, Duncan Grant, Clive Bell and others {in Charleston Farmhouse}, Virginia Woolf and her husband Leonard {in Monk's House}, and Vita Sackville-West and her husband Harold Nicolson {at Sissinghurst Castle}. numerous books have been written about these people, about their unusual, unconventional set-ups, assumptions made, reasons guessed at, facts cited.

feeling slightly like a hindsight groupie, it felt strange to be inside the homes of these people, as if i was intruding on their sacred space, places they held dearly and felt safe in, either hiding from the world {Woolf} or being surrounded by endless natural beauty and inspiration {Bell and Grant}. it was easy to understand why these houses were the places where they created their novels or paintings, where they pondered on life, or enjoyed the family life that was as much a part of them as their artistic exploits. the kitchens where they would make their cups of tea or butter a thickly sliced piece of bread, the bathrooms where they would wash and read and ponder, the fire places where warmth would be on cold days... it felt strangely intimate... 

a peep through at Sissinghurst Gardens

looking out the window
at Monk's House

Woolf's writing desk in the garden house

Sackville-West's writing space in the tower
of the castle at Sissinghurst

the arch under the writing tower at Sissinghurst

the sitting room in Charleston Farmhouse

spirits in a material world

yesterday, while having a little catch-up/birthday chat with a friend in England, we got talking very briefly about - among many other things - the fact that she's missing her mother {who passed away about 2 and a half years ago} a lot. we then also got chatting about the notion that another {dutch} friend had sold her house last week, for way more than the asking price, in a matter of days. 

both of those things got me to mention spirit guides. my friend who sold the house asked her spirit guides {a few specific ones} to help her with this, and i mentioned this to my friend in England. also that i talk to my dad sometimes, ask him for help in specific situations, and that this appears to 'work' - things shift, situations occur, coincidences happen. my friend in England was bemused by this. she's very sensible and rational, and can't be doing with this kind of stuff. she has a friend that i know as well who's also into spiritual and intuitive living, and i know how mad she thinks this friend is sometimes for even suggesting that there's Help available from the spirit realm, or that her long term illness could be to do with stored childhood trauma, or whatever. so my notion that i trust spirit guides, or my angels, or whatever i call them, i tend to keep for myself.

maybe it is just a comforting thought, that my dad is available as an angel, or a guide, and nothing more than that. maybe it is just a coincidence that situations change in my favour whenever i've asked him for help... my rational side does question this too. my rational side is highly dubious of my sensitive, dreamy, trusting side... but if it makes me feel happy, and calm, and relaxed, surely that's a good thing?

my friend in England won't be talking to her mum, i'm fairly sure. she'll probably file me under 'Going Slightly Bonkers' and we'll carry on our occasional, fun chats about Life and Cakes and our kids. i wonder what they make of us, the spirits who watch over us humans...?

sharing sunday #2

since it's my birthday today, and the age i'll be becomes a nice no. 7, i'll be sharing 7 things

1. there was a time when i went to the cinema almost every week. thanks to The Situation i haven't been for over a year {it just never got back into my system...} but i do love watching them. i have a few favourites {one for every mood i might be in...}, and choosing has never been my strongest point, so, a few that will always make me happy: Pride {"Dai, your gays have arrived!!"}, Maurice {"Now we shall never be parted... That's finished..."}, Into the Wild {"The core of man's spirit comes from new experiences."}

2. reading is something i either enjoy, or i don't... i can't be doing with books that annoy me, or i don't get a good vibe from. so a lot of the so called classics or top 10 best sellers don't get a look in... silly romance, on the other hand.... Maurice, by E.M. Forster {written in 1914, published in 1971, on which the film was based} is a favourite since 1989, when i first discovered it, and loved everything about it - the love invoked, the language used, the heartache felt. will reread this every now and then. far from silly romance, but romantic it certainly is, in its own way
    the original book version of Into The Wild, by Jon Krakauer, is also a recommendation. it goes deeper into why Chris McCandless possibly did what he did, the history of young adolescent guys choosing to seek this kind of adventure, and other matters related to the discovery of McCandless lifeless body, back in 1992.
    no. 3 is the book that i found was the inspiration for the BBC series of a few years ago, called Living In Squares, Loving In Triangles, by Amy License, from 2016. not so much a novel, as it is a collection of facts and thoughts about the Bloomsbury Group's main members {if that's the right word}, namely Vanessa Bell, Virginia Woolf, Duncan Grant, Clive Bell, Leonard Woolf, Lytton Strachey, John Maynard Keynes and others, people who have captured my imagination for many years... 

3. with Polly in the car on the way back from our holiday in Gelderland we discussed whether or not one can call oneself a fan of someone if we only like one of their albums... or a few of the trillions they made... or only three songs... we concluded that it doesn't matter, and so here are a few songs that i recently discovered or loved for years...
    # What is love - George Harrison {only recently did i figure that this song of pure joy is by George!?? what the hell... somehow i thought it was by someone else, and 'just liked' it...} # Queen Bitch - David Bowie {love this Velvet Underground tribute song from Hunky Dory so much, and have to sing it along in the camp voice that Dave used - bliss!!} # Crayfish Hora - Fanfare Ciocarlia {thank you Shazam...} # Somewhere In My Heart - Aztec Camera {Roddy Frame was one of the guys i adored in 1987, at the same time as wanting to BE him... he was so beautiful...} # Istanbul {not Constantinople} - They Might Be Giants {had a cd of theirs but can only remember this song and the Birdhouse one}, but this is one of my faves}

4. some restaurants that i enjoy going to here in Breda: 
- De Jongens Van Zand En Klei {not just guys there...}
- Inspire Coffee Company {yummy toasties and other goodies...}
- In Kannen En Kruiken {gorgeous garden and other things...}
- Sunshine {as if you're somewhere far away...}

5. dreams:
to find a lovely roomy chalet in some woodland settings to live in, a campervan to travel with, a soulbuddy to share my life with, truckloads of money, more than enough time to write and read and dream and create and chat with friends and go for long walks and... 

6. having discovered that the phenomenon that kept happening to me {All The Things I Wished For, Happened In My Life Somehow} had a name, and was called Law Of Attraction, i spent years trying to get the magic back... it had disappeared after i got together with ultra-realistic ex, and while other things developed {self-confidence, liberation from my home life belief system, children}, that somehow stopped working in the relaxed way it once did. thanks to the books and teachings of people like Esther Hicks, Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay and Sonia Choquette {and my friend Mo}, i'm now kind back to where i was in 1991... check some of these folks out for yourself

7. life motto:

the sky is not the limit. 

your belief system is

bring on the crazy dancing

when we moved to Holland in 1999, one of the many things on our to do list was finding a school for the boys. Oldest had been going to the one that we could walk to in St. Leonards, a sweet, very British primary school with kind teachers and classrooms that were filled to the brim with learning equipment. no way was this school going to produce illiterate children who would have trouble reading books {UK had a bit of a reputation for not delivering enough academics to secondary schools, and was trailing in the European statistics...} and Oldest was lapping up the stuff he was offered to learn about. which at 5-and-a-bit was fairly promising, if you've been raised to be impressed by academia. which we were... 

the list of schools that we obtained from the council of the town we were aiming to move to had a lot of similar seeming schools - normal schools where the kids were going to learn normal stuff and probably become normal teens who would be having normal lives. so far, so normal... until my eyes saw a few anomalies - a Montessori school, and a Waldorf Steiner school... the first one i was familiar with {had read a lot about Maria Montessori's ideals about education, which seemed to me very impressive, and if Oldest had not been in the little friend group that he had been since babyhood - comprising of a bunch kids with aspiring middle class parents who had become my friends over the years - i would have seriously considered the Montessori playgroup that was a short drive away... but all his little buddies were going to the school down the road, and no way was i going to deny him his social life... 

but since we were moving to another country, and he was going to start afresh anyway, his education, and that of his little brother, was a blank slate. one of the reasons why we moved to Holland was the fact that education was so much better organised, and due to other factors, kids were going to have such a better chance at becoming happy, balanced people than they would be in England. only, the dutch system was never known for its love for the creative, nature-based, spiritual or intuitive... 

in the months before moving, i had gotten to know someone who was a teacher at a Waldorf Steiner school in the south of England. the way he talked about the things he was teaching sparked something in me. someone else in our friends group had been to a similar type [boarding] school, and the more i was reading about this - finding the odd book in the library, applying for info at the schools themselves - the more i was convinced that i wanted this for my kids... 

ever since leaving school, i vowed to not let my kids [if i ever had any] become disheartened by their peers, to feel like they were weird, or wrong, for being who they were. and the Waldorf Steiner Schools [Vrije School in dutch] seemed to offer all the things i felt were lacking in the school i went to, and the regular schools that were on the list. so we went over to have a chat with someone, had a look around, let Oldest have a look around, and put his name down for when we moved. 

Oldest was less than impressed when he got over the initial shock of being plonked into a classroom full of people whose language he wasn't fluid in, playing with blocks and wooden things, he had been used to learning to read and write, to have homework, to hold a pen, and to be challenged - here he was back in playgroup?! he'd done all that - where was the meaty stuff he could get his teeth stuck into?? it took him a while to let go of this notion, and he settled into his new routine, made new friends, learnt to speak dutch within weeks, found his place in the school and did well. his little brother did too, although he was a totally different temperament, and [unlike his older brother] rubbed teachers up the wrong way, but had heaps of friends, flourished in his own way and found his own voice and feet in his own time. 

the school has been as much a place of education for me as the kids... 
i learnt so much there - things about myself that i never knew existed... i learnt physical skills {felting, painting techniques}, reacquainted myself with ones i had learnt ages ago, learnt about the Edda, drawing certain shapes [vormtekenen] and the reasons behind them, i learnt about nature and minerals, i learnt about the connections between so much more, i learnt to find my inner Self, about what makes me Me, the Astral body as well as the Ether body, the importance of natural materials and my Soul Purpose, about Organic food and Biodynamic farming, about the phases of the moon, about Eurythmy, and the fact i can Sing... to name but a few... 

my daughter has just finished her 12 years of Waldorf Steiner education, although she also did 3 years of the infants school, and 1 year as a toddler, which makes it 16 years of being steeped in it. and she probably got a bit of it when she was dragged along to school with her three brothers as well, as a baby, so basically all her life has been that weird school, as her oma once called it. she did her End Of School Presentation, leaving me feeling so incredibly proud of the accomplished, mature young woman that she has become over the years. the boys never went to the secondary school, for reasons that made sense to them, but i had wanted them to have had this as well, the connectedness to the others in their year, to the others in the school, to nature, to Life, to their Soul Purpose... 

i'm glad i found the school on the list, back in 1999, twenty two years ago now, cos it changed our lives, and it helped us to find a ground under our feet, and a long list of beautiful people who became guides, and helpers, and friends... 

more can be read here:
[in dutch]
* de vrije juf
* vrije school breda
* antroposofie.nl

[in english]
* wiki about anthroposophy

trigger happy

part for the course of being introspective {or Self Obsessed, as some people call it} is wondering why visits to my mum are such a wrench. especially {but not only} when the kids accompany me, it can feel like i've signed up for a bout of flogging... all my triggers are being pulled, and i find myself halfway feeling like sh*t. like a sh*tty person who's horrible to their dearly beloved mum, who's always been there for them and shall probably always be...

when i was growing up, my family of 4 {me, my brother and mum and dad} was 'divided' into two camps - my mum's {consisting of her and my brother} and my dad's {him and i}. camp 1 was practical, loyal, simple-minded {as in not deluded} and provincial; camp 2 had their head in a cloud, were dreamers, had aspirations that didn't fit their milieu and wanted to see the world. or Europe at least... until i got together with my ex, both camps kind of worked okay together. although there were tensions, many of them, and i was feeling increasingly hemmed in by the way my parents wanted me to be {in order for them to be able to deal with me}, it kind of worked... 

until it stopped working. due to the insights i gained from being with my ex, it dawned on me that i wanted so much more, and once the kids came along, i {and he} became the parent we had hoped to have had ourselves. probably lacking in other areas, we gave the kids freedom to be themselves, boundaries where needed, structure where needed as well, but mostly the space to fail and learn, and gain confidence in their abilities {such as making their minds up about things & coming to conclusions that might not always make us feel comfortable}. and that appears to have worked, cos i see before me 4 awesome people who all weigh up pros and cons and conclude, and it has made me wince quite a few times, but i hope i never made them feel that i thought they were wrong, or deluded. they live their lives, and i watch them become who they are. and i admire them. 

until i go to my mum's with them, or alone, and i'm right back to being the little kid i was once, looked at by her and judged, feeling a need to fit her description of who i ought to be {so that she can feel at ease}, but can't, and in failing to do so, within seconde my hackles go up and i'm fighting an urge to yell at her, to tell her to love me, to like me for who i am, for who i always was.... 

when my dad passed away, almost 5 years ago now, i lost my only lifelong ally. we always had each other's backs, he was proud of me and i of him. he got me when my mum didn't. camp 1 had each other, my brother likes to be cared for by his mum, and will run to her for every small thing that goes wrong in his life. for me it is the last thing i want to do, and i will always look for admiration for sorting my own stuff out. my ex used to think it was normal to do this and being with him has kind of taught me to not expect praise for it, but deep down, i want someone to tell me i'm doing well... that i'm admirable for being me... for not asking for help, for working stuff out by myself... but the one person i want this from can't... 

so i'll have to do it for myself. and learn to accept that this is what it is... 

sharing sunday #1

inspiring videos/channels

* Happen Films - an Australian/New Zealand crew of folks who seek to find answers with regard to sustainable living and alternatives to the way we 'use' nature. this documentary that was made a few years ago drew me in to begin with - beautiful!

to b+ or not to b+

having done the work i get paid for since 2010 {selling + advising about organic food}, i've seen my share of fad diets, and people who suddenly have a food 'intolerance' that they were never aware of before. some of course are totally genuine and it has been completely life-saving to have found what it was that was making them feel sick, or dreadful, some i'm not so sure about... but hey, who am i to question people's gut reaction...

i've come across {and done} Food Combining {no carbs with protein!!!}, seen all the gluten-free, lactose free, no nuts, only nuts, Paleo, Keto, superfoods, Pioppi etc. fads that have come on the market since then, can almost tell you the day that Quinoa and Goji berries were unattainable from the wholesalers cos the demand was suddenly so high, and then their price went through the roof as a result. veganism became hip and happening before my eyes and 'whole wheat bread' and 'full fat milk' became curse words. and then they became superfoods... 

so when this thing called Blood Group Diet came across my radar, i was wary. not another one!! i can't recall where i read about it, but it caught my eye, and i read some more about it. and some more again. and it kind of made sense {but then, so does the Paleo diet...} but what was my blood group? i'd had a blood transfusion after i had given birth to my eldest son, so it was in my notes from the midwife - B+, it said in amongst some other things that mattered about my first pregnancy and subsequent birth. back to the literature. B+ is fairly rare in the west, it said, and B's are descendants from nomadic tribes from the Himalayas... right... 

thing is, i am too heavy. i can't wear nice clothes {or at least, ones that i like, that don't immediately make me look like a middle-aged person who's given up on life...} and i HATE my reflection in the mirror... i used to weigh 56 kg. i can't recall the last time i weighed myself, cos i dread to see what the scales tell me. my trouser size in C&A says enough... i don't eat very healthy... despite working in a shop that sells EVERYTHING to keep me on the straight and narrow... i prefer the licorice and the chocolate, and the pastries and cakes... at least they're organic, i tell myself as a way to stop me from feeling even more crap... what's making it so hard for me to stop eating the treats, rather than the vegetables?!

the list of things i was 'allowed' to eat was encouraging - salmon, pineapple, bananas, spinach, yoghurt, goat's cheese, walnuts, broccoli, ginger, mackerel, oatmeal, licorice root and spelt were already things i liked, so not a wrench... the 'neutral' list was okay as well {yay! cheddar, brie, para nuts, pecans, asparagus, courgette, mango, chocolate, dates....} and would be allowed. now, the 'avoid' list was less fun... no more chicken, sunflower oil, cashews, pistache, pumpkin, sunflower seeds, chickpeas, lentils, soy in any form, corn, whole wheat, avocado, tomatoes, coconut, cinnamon or aloe vera..... what?!! but i tried for a while, to see what would happen. and i felt better. 

what happens, apparently, is that the 'avoid' foods do things to your blood that make you feel ill. or lethargic, as they are slowly killing you. if you can skip them from your daily diet, you'll feel better, cos your body isn't trying to deal with these 'assassins', and in eating better you'll probably lose weight in the process. 

i wasn't losing the weight... cos - damn it - my list of 'neutrals' had bread in it. white bread. and i love white bread... and i slowly slipped back into old eating habits, and forgot all about the diet... and was accepting that i felt awful {life, menopause, psychological disadvantage, upbringing...} cos it is easier than doing something about it. 

and then i saw the booklet i got with all the lists of foods i am allowed, and gave it another go. if i wasn't losing the weight, at least i would feel better, physically. that was worth something?! and this time around something seems to have clicked - i'm no that bothered about the white bread anymore. the veggies seem more appealing... who knows....

[more can be read here]

let it go

was thinking more about the post from a few days ago, where i claimed that my life seems to be a road of unease. on the one hand that's how it does feel - always feeling the odd one out, the one who's different, and having figured that being a hsp + introvert puts you in that position often anyway, especially when you've not been given the tools or the confidence to negotiate life. if your parents or guardians couldn't teach it to you, you'll have to search for others who can. that's what creates the road of unease.

in the last 10 years i feel that the tools and the confidence have been found, within myself. i have felt more than once that Things Land On Your Lap when you need them, People Appear In Your Life when you ask for them, Help Is Available if you ask... some people call this Faith, and say they believe in god, or that Jesus helps them, others call it their Angels, the Universe, a Spirit Guide, Allah, Yahweh, whatever - it all boils down to the same thing...

we let go of the ego when we ask for help, or pray. we let go of the loud inner voice, and make space for a quieter voice, which gives us a sign, or makes us look a certain way, or go a certain direction. that's what is the Faith that bible bashers keep going on about - the Faith that there is Help, that Something has your back in ife, that you're not alone {and not mad when you think this...} but have the backing of the whole Universe...